Craptastic: Crafty Wonderland is for indie-minded Marthas.

Wednesday, Dec. 6

The Man behind the Cube

Bob Cox wants your life to be ergonomically correct. The office-planning guru—from furniture-maker Herman Miller—is in town for OFFICE's (officepdx.com) "Design Conference + Mixer." He'll wax poetic on the link between workplace and work quality. If buzzing fluorescent lights, stifling cubicles and neutral colors siphon off your will to work, this should be worth hearing. Slurp free cocktails and finger OFFICE's sleek—if overpriced—desk sets and laptop bags while Cox brings you up to date on "branding the built environment, designs and trends." Even if it's all gibberish, you can still get sauced and try to swipe office supplies—which, after all, is the best use of a workday there is. RSVP to event@officepdx.com. Only the first 75 get in. OFFICE, 2204 NE Alberta St., 282-7200. 6-8 pm. Free. 21+

Thursday, Dec. 7

But Can You Do It on a Bike's Back Seat?

Face it: Biking in Portland is much more than a mode of transportation. It's a scene. It's a way to be cool. So BikeCraft II (bikeportland.org/bikecraft) is no surprise. This "bike lovers' bazaar" has tons of bike-themed crap you don't really need, but will look really cool next to your vintage turntable: DVDs, sculpture, those goofy hats with tiny bills, and of course plenty of T-shirts—because every art-school dropout in town has a silk screen. And if you spent your dough on powdercoating your fixie or powercoating your sinuses (bikers ride hard and play hard), you can still rock your spokes off to the Trash Mountain Boys, and watch local bike flicks. Plus indoor parking for your steed and the ever-practical bike-powered sewing machine. Don your best man-capris and messenger bag and make the scene. Portland City Hall Atrium, 1221 SW 4th Ave., 706-8804. 4-8 pm. Free. All ages.

Saturday, Dec. 9

No Hummer Parking

Environmentalists. When they're not trying to save the last shreds of wilderness and recycling, they're fighting terrorism prosecution and refusing to cooperate with grand juries. It's getting old. And now local tree-huggers—or bush-fuckers?—are trying to raise money and mount a defense! The benefit "Liberating Dissent: Refusing to be Silenced" will raise money for the fragile owl-lovers who got snapped up in the over-hyped "Green Scare." The "vegan bake-sale" is sure to rake it in. So yes, the FBI wants to treat SUV-torchers like the Taliban. And yes, the resource industry is piling on. But chill out, dudes. You guys are supposed to be mellow. Throw on some String Cheese, enjoy our unseasonable weather, and stop harshing my buzz. Liberty Hall, 311 N Ivy St., 971-244-3643. 6-11 pm. $7-$100 sliding scale. All ages.

Portland's Getting Horny

Portland's music scene has a gaping hole. We've got plenty of indie rock. Punk? Folk? Check and check. And paleness aside, hip-hop is growing healthily. But Portland needs more—say it with me now—tubas. The gassy, obese uncle of the brass family is finally getting his due at Pioneer Courthouse Square's "Tuba Christmas." Marvel as almost 200 tubas bellow and honk nobly through holiday tunes. No longer will the tuba be reserved for the nerdiest kid at band camp. No longer will it be a mark of shame. Don't hide your tuba; buff it to a high gloss and, at the stroke of midnight, puff twice on your inhaler and send a mighty blast to the heavens. Pioneer Courthouse Square, Southwest 6th Avenue and Morrison Street, 223-1613. 1:30-3 pm. Free. All ages.

Sunday, Dec. 10

Crafting Your Doom!

A message from the United Coalition of Homemakers and Kindergarten Teachers: Crafty Wonderland is some haters! Their "Double Trouble Holiday Extravaganza" (craftywonderland.com) is a "Sweater-Free Zone." No holiday sweaters. These spoiled neo-crafters are snubbing our festive cardigans. They've got DIY shadow puppets, a charity raffle and 40-plus hipsters selling kitschy handmade crap. Wow! We invented arts and crafts. Knitting, scrapbooking, felt, yarn, glitter—that's our shit! Oooh, let's all wear black and pierce our junk—that says Christmas! Snobby punks. We bring joy to children. We bake cookies. We decorate the world with taffeta and glitter until it's shiny and happy. So sit around in your ironic T-shirts, sipping chai and spouting bumper-sticker slogans, and take potshots at us. But be careful. Stay out of the suburbs. Minivans can crush Vespas. We carry knitting needles, and we're organized. Watch your pasty, tattooed backs. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 545-7713. 11 am-4 pm. Free. All ages.