YO YO YO: The Smothers Brothers hit the jackpot in Lincoln City.

Friday, Jan 12

Before CSI...

The Smothers Brothers are more than washed-up has-beens messing with yo-yos and banjos. Today, Tommy and Dick Smothers are closing in on 70, but rather than retire to rockers these rockin' comics are playing Indian casinos, showcasing their subversive brand of satire. In the '60s, The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour was a thorn in the side of censors and television executives. The duo collaborated with Rob Reiner and Steve Martin and lampooned the Vietnam War and American racism. Joan Baez and Pete Seeger graced their stage, and Jimi Hendrix famously dedicated a set to them. Behind the Smothers Brothers' goofy, folksy front lies a pair of incisively funny minds that have left their mark on American culture. Plus, one is named Dick, which is hilarious. Chinook Winds Casino, 1777 NW 44th St., Lincoln City, 1-800-244-6665. 8 pm. $15-$40. 16+.

Saturday, Jan. 13

Happy Anime Day!

Did you know the Japanese celebrate different holidays than Americans? No Fourth of July, no Presidents Day, not even Victory Over Japan Day. They do celebrate New Year's, however, but not until Jan. 13. And to them, it's sort of like Christmas—family gatherings, parties and Toshigami, "god of the new year," who visits everyone's house. He's like Santa but probably bows a lot and knows karate. Get the details at the Japanese Garden New Year's Celebration: rice cakes, sake, ornaments, music and games. Dance Dance Revolution, perhaps? Japanese Garden of Portland, 611 SW Kingston Drive, 223-1321. 1-3 pm. Free with garden admission: $8 adults, $6.25 seniors and college students, $5.25 kids 6-17, free kids 5 and under. All ages.

Way Better Than Civil Unions

Sure, most wedding guests care more about the open bar than the happy union. Sure, an overpriced, exploitative industry has grown up around modern weddings. Sure, tossing rice is pigeon genocide. And sure, statistically most weddings end in bitter divorce. But marriage is still a sacred institution. Just ask God. Or Pat Robertson. All our social problems—homelessness, drugs, avian influenza, AIDS, fatal stingray attacks, rabies, liberalism—could be solved if more young people would cave to religious pressure and sexual frustration and tie the knot. Plus, getting married proves you're not gay. So make Jesus proud and head for the 2007 Portland Bridal Show (portlandbridalshow.com). Flowers, cake, sleazy DJs and even flexible rubber "marital aids"...it's magical. Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 235-7575. 10:30 am Saturday and Sunday. $8.50. Advance tickets available at ticketswest.com. All ages.

It's Almost a Sport!

Figure skaters are many things to many people: targets to high-school bullies, attackers to Olympic opponents, jokes to real athletes, disappointments to fathers and, of course, homosexuals to us all. They must change hats (and matching tights) as the situation dictates. So "Double Exposure"—the title of this year's Smucker's Stars on Ice—doesn't reference the leotard malfunction that proved that, voice aside, Scott Hamilton does have testicles (well, actually, after that bout with testicular cancer It List isn't so sure about that). The title refers to "The Many Lives of Figure Skaters." The event's skaters will share their complicated lives, replete with medals, intrigue, danger and stories of curiosity and experimentation in the Olympic Village. Watch them twirl and leap, and remember: jazz hands! Rose Garden, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., 235-8771. 7:30 pm. $25-$70. All ages.

Redheaded Stepchild

Do you hate humor? Does some dark guilt drive you to suffer? Kathy Griffin can help. Her inane, punchlineless ramblings on Larry King Live and her herky-jerky delivery both scream meth-addled valley girl. You may not laugh, but you'll definitely suffer. A cameo on Seinfeld was her brightest moment—only because the episode asks, "What's the deal with Kathy Griffin's success?" My guess is she banged her way to the lower rung (a.k.a. the dreaded "D-List," which is also the name of her current cable show)...but have you seen her? Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1001 SW Broadway, 248-4335. 8 pm. $35. All ages.

Monday, Jan. 15

Hoop Dreams

Coaches have long motivated their players by invoking heroes of the past. But at the King Classic Basketball Tournament—which honors the late Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.—local high-school coaches can take this tactic to another level: "If you cherish Dr. King's memory so much, why'd you miss those free throws?" Or, "Brother Martin believed in zone defense. So should you." And the classic: "This game decides who really has a dream." What, that's not in the spirit of the event? Rose Garden, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., 235-8771. 10 am. $10. All ages.