Wednesday, Feb. 21

Remodeling Your Doom

It List is no slave to the almighty dollar...and has awful credit. Thus, I live in a Styrofoam lean-to papered with '80s pornography, and my yard/master bath is just a patch of dirt where I bury my prized possessions. But all you establishment squares, with your four fancy walls and evergreen shrubbery, will find plenty of decorative ways to buy in at the Portland Home and Garden Show. Strut your store-bought haircuts through 25 display gardens, or over to seminars like "Trends in Bathrooms." My latest trend is to be more careful where I'm burying my treasures. If you drones already have the latest gold-plated plumbing, dare to ask, "What's exciting in countertops and floors?" A scintillating seminar topic. So enjoy your corrupt luxuries, you filthy capitalists. Portland Expo Center, 2060 N Marine Drive, 736-5200. 11 am-9 pm Wednesday-Thursday; 10 am-9 pm Friday-Saturday; 10 am-6 pm Sunday. Feb. 21-25. $10 adults, $5 children 6-12, free 5 and under.

Saturday, Feb. 24

Kick it up a notch!

BAM! A horde of aspiring Emerils—minus the accent and caterpillarlike eyebrows—is descending on our fair city. It's the 2007 ProStart State High School Culinary Championships. Apparently today's teens eat more than Hot Pockets and Big Gulps. Teams from 35 Oregon high schools will fight through three challenges—all for the state title and a ticket to sunny Charlotte, N.C., where nationals will be held in April. First, the Culinary Cup: Kitchen kids battle over a pair of butane burners and create two identical three-course meals—from scratch, in only one hour. Next, the Knife Skills Competition: Little sadists toss Bowie knives at a scantily clad woman lashed to a spinning wheel. Just a guess, but what else could it be? And finally, the Management Knowledge Bowl: by far the most boring-sounding contest. It's like Jeopardy!, except the nerds really like to eat. When it's all over, there'll be winners, losers, great clouds of greasy smoke, several severed fingers and maybe even some food. Bon appetit! Oregon Convention Center, Hall B, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 235-7575. 9 am-5 pm. Free. All ages.

Do It Pho Fun

No one remembered your birthday. Not Mom, not that ex-girlfriend you've stayed friends with. Nobody. And it's sending you into a downward spiral of booze, which will no doubt end in a cloud of self-pity and deadly exhaust fumes. That would never have happened if you were born in Vietnam. If you were, you'd have a weeklong, 12,000-person party with music, food, dance and art—and no one would forget about your special day. That's because the Vietnamese ignore biological birthdays, which really just commemorate terrible pain for moms and big clean-ups for poor hospital orderlies. Instead, in Vietnam, everyone celebrates on the same day, which is also New Year's. It's called the Tet Festival (ovcausa.org), and it's happening right now. Listen to Vietnamese music while you feast on traditional food and marvel as a train of costumed performers cuts through the crowd for the Lion Dance. But there are a couple downsides. First, the traditional Tet gift is li xi, or "lucky money"—but the luckiest amount is $6. I'll take an unlucky grand, thanks. Second, firecrackers—long used to scare off bad spirits and welcome the new year—have been banned by the state since 1995. Probably part of the covert "Laming of the West" project, which also forces kids to wear bike helmets, no matter how uncool they look, and bans competitive drinking in public buildings. Still, a lot better than lonely suicide. Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 235-7575. 9:30 am-5 pm Saturday; 10 am-4 pm Sunday. Feb. 24-25. $3 for one day; $5 for both days; free for seniors and children under 10. All ages.

Body Language

It List speaks two languages: American and Public Relations. By sorting through an endless flood of press releases, I've picked up this perky, über-positive tongue of self-promotion. So maybe I can save you $325 by translating this offering from BJuicy Studios: "How to savor your partner: A workshop for couples." Here goes. BJuicy: "Discover the lesser known erogenous zones of the body.'' Translation: Try the butt. BJuicy: "Deepen your connection with your partner through breath and posture." Translation: Brush your teeth and let her be on top. BJuicy: "Increase the sexual charge in your relationship." Translation: Watch porn. BJuicy: "Move beyond shame and create greater safety in your lovemaking." Translation: Stop crying or unzip the leather mask—you'll drown! BJuicy: "Learn techniques to make you feel like a sexual superstar." Translation: Pop Ecstasy and Viagra before sex. BJuicy: "Celebrate the beauty and complexity of your partner's body and your own." Translation: Turn the lights on. Hope that clears things up. BJuicy Studios, 1417 NE 72nd Ave., 334-8578. 11 am-6 pm Saturday-Sunday. Feb 24-25. $325 per couple. 18+.