OH BABY, I LIKE IT MCGRAW! Tim & Faith, Wednesday at the Rose Garden.

Wednesday, June 13

Is My Cowboy Hat Metro Enough?

Country music has come a long way. A few decades back, country was lost in the backwoods. It was all twangy and melancholy, and not one of the so-called stars was even vaguely marketable. Think about it: Patsy Cline? Not that hot—and a brunette! Hank Williams? I bet that spindly punk couldn't bench more than 190 pounds—205 tops. He wasn't even tan. And Johnny Cash? Come on, a country star who doesn't support war (ahem, Dixie Chicks)? And he had no fashion sense. No hat, all-black clothes. Was he country or goth? Real manly, American country stars flare their jeans, dangle their jewelry and frost their tips. Today, most country-record contracts even mandate that shirts not be buttoned more than halfway. Thank sweet baby Jesus that real talent—supported by professional marketers and stylists and personal trainers—has pulled the backward country genre into the modern music world. Talent like "country music's reigning first couple" Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Their Soul2Soul Tour 2007 will roll into town Wednesday and show you what country music really means: inoffensive crossover pop hits. You gotta love that steel-guitar-synthesizer sound! Rose Garden Arena, One Center Court, 235-8771. 7:30 pm. $65.75-$89.75. All ages.

Thursday, June 14

Plus-Size Models

Do you need a XXL zebra-striped unitard? Or maybe just a wig to match your beard? The "Out of the Closet" Fashion Show and Clothing Swap (portlandonline.com/diversity) is your best shot. Emceed by drag icon Darcelle, this secondhand-outfit trade is geared toward the LGBTXP47$ crowd. Not sure what all those letters mean, but it seems to be all about bending your gender to fit your needs. According to the event's website, "Out of the Closet" has a "diverse sexual orientation theme, so almost anything goes." And since Portland is always gunning for the "Most Progressive City" title, the event will be held, of course, at City Hall. Thank you, Sam Adams. Bring your leather chaps and see if you can't find a fair trade for, say, a feather boa and crotchless panties—as long as they match. You wouldn't want to look ridiculous. City Hall Atrium, 1221 SW 4th Ave., 823-4000. 5-6:30 pm. Free. All ages.

Saturday, June 16

Tolerance Can Be Nasty

Gay sex is gross. Except when girls do it, of course. I am not homophobic. I'm fine with gay guys getting married, being soldiers, adopting kids—hell, I even think they should be able to vote. But two guys doing it? To me personally, that's hella nasty. I think the same thing about girl farts, but I don't think they should be illegal. I'm not making a moral judgment, just a gut-level ewww. Here's another gay thing: the 2007 Grabby (read: gay porn) Award for "Best Bottom." I'm not sure which sense of the word they mean, but that's what Matt Cole won, along with "Best Newcomer." Cole will be grossing it up at Steam Portland—a gay bathhouse—for Pride Week. For the event, Steam will turn out the lights, presumably to loosen inhibitions, but with the bonus of making that activity harder to see. So, gay men, be proud. I stand by your God-given right to be as gross as you so choose with other consenting adults. Steam Portland, 2885 NE Sandy Blvd., 10 pm. $10-$29 plus membership, $8-$25 membership. 18+.

No More Mr. Nicebeard

Portlanders are too nice. We're polite, we're friendly, we're welcoming—we're a bunch of pussies. Who wants to be fucking nice? Nice doesn't bang hotties or wear sweet leather jackets or get sick at rollerblading. And don't get me started on terrorists. We're begging for them. The Blazers have done what they can to sully our squeaky-clean rep, but Portland hasn't kicked its laid-back image. That's where the 2007 Plunderathon (plunderathon.org) comes in. It's Portland's own drunken pirate revival—and the city's best chance to become badass. Anyone who wants to celebrate his or her inner buccaneer can meet at Skidmore Fountain and stay for the ensuing bar crawl/cannon fight. Last year's Plunderathon drew 120 aspiring pirates, who terrorized downtown dives and beat on a piñata full of condoms. Not very nice, right? The whole spectacle is the work of Drunken Rampage, the guerrilla-event coordinators behind Santacon and the public pillow fight at Pioneer Courthouse Square. Plunderathon is just what our passive little city needs, because pirates, by their very definition, are not nice (except Cap'n Nicebeard), and they can teach Portland about skulls and murder and pet monkeys and awesome junk like that. And then Portland can teach the world. Skidmore Fountain, Southwest 1st Avenue and Ankeny Street. 3 pm. Free. 21+.