How much for the leetle girl? [b]Portland Pirate Festival,

Oaks-toberfest

Hold on a minute, here. Oktoberfest? In September? Are zee Germans just trying to mess with drunk people by screwing with the space-time continuum? Aw, who cares? It's Oktoberfest! Taking a cue from the good beer- and party-loving folks of Munich, Oaks Park is hosting a three-day festival of schnitzel-chomping, stein-guzzling, St. Pauli Girl-fetishizing awesomeness complete with enough beer, food and dancing to make your gut burst—in a good way. In a particularly strange revelation (and we're not making this up), it's been revealed that consuming sauerkraut is actually an effective way to combat avian flu. (Remember that disease? The one that was to decimate all mankind?) Apparently, a group of South Korean scientists fed chickens the delicious fermented cabbage treat and found that the infected birds began to recover more quickly. You owe it to yourself, your children and your country to attend Oktoberfest. It beats the hell out of a vaccination, and is the perfect excuse to bust out the lederhosen for a night of polka and gluttony. Oaks Park, 7100 Oaks Park Way, 233-5777. 3 pm-midnight Friday, 11 am-midnight Saturday, 11 am-7 pm Sunday, Sept. 21-23. $2-$5. All ages.

Gentlemen, Start Your Laptops

The realm of competition has featured some of the harshest blood sports in the history of man. On Friday, Portland will host the most barbaric bone-and-sinew competition since Rome ran red with the blood of the gladiators. For the Cut & Paste Digital Design Tournament, graphic digital designers are set to go head-to-head at Wonder Ballroom for a no-holds-barred, live design competition. Eight contestants will take the stage for 15-minute bouts, judged on originality, technique and "overall dopeness." Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. 7 pm. $10-$15. 18+.

SATURDAY, SEPT. 22

Will Strip for Cheetos

Sometimes you want to meet a chick just like your mom. And if your mom is the type of lady who considers a double-wide a mansion, raids medicine cabinets for Sudafed or leaves strange gray streaks on couches (we're talking to you, Kid Rock), then the Miss White Trash 2008 competition is like hottie heaven. That's right, Tonya Harding, you have another chance to rise to the top, and probably wear your old outfits. Contestants will be competing in categories like makeup, hair and overall trashiness. The crowned queen will receive—along with a place in history—a 1973 GMC pickup with a camper shell (for when the truck gets a-rockin'), a free tattoo and meat (literal meat products, plus the pick of the man-meat in the crowd). Music is provided by Jesus Presley and Smoochknob & the Smooch Girls. Chicks wearing tube tops get in free. Oh, and that guy in the dark van outside? He's from Hustler and he probably has a great offer for you. Do what he says, and drink whatever he hands you. Mount Tabor Legacy, 4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-0450, 7 pm, $10-$12. 21+.

Batten Down the Hatches

Portland's pirate obsession is showing no signs of walking the plank. This city has endured festivals, Plunderathons, pirate ships docking on the Willamette, and bands like Sunken Chest and Captain Bogg & Salty. But in embracing the pirate life, Portlanders have been spoon-fed several misconceptions about seafaring looters. The first and most glaring is that pirates are vegans, as evidenced by Pirates Tavern, a restaurant chock-full of soy products. In fact, pirates could well be considered vegans, if only because they keep a few vegans on the ship for meat (you are what you eat, after all). The second misconception is that pirates like children, as evidenced by the second annual Portland Pirate Festival, taking place at Cathedral Park. There are two ways to look at pirates' relationships with kids. No. 1, it's likely that scalawags enjoy using children as shark bait, anchors or impromptu cannonballs. But in the case of the Pirate Fest, there might be something much more sinister in the pirates' invitation for children to attend their festival. These barbarians are luring families in with live parrots, tons of food, jet-boat rides and, most suspiciously, the Monkey Island Play Area, where many children will be shanghaied and sold into slavery on the open seas. That's right, It List suspects that this happy day of historical re-enactments and song and dance is really a recruitment ground for future pirates. Regardless of the fate of the kiddies, the festival does promise a lot of lighthearted pillaging fun, cool old ships, and an excuse to poke out your own eye. Proceeds go to the Make-A-Wish foundation, and toward wenches for visiting pirates. Cathedral Park, North Edison Street and Pittsburg Avenue. 10 am-10 pm Saturday, 10 am-6 pm Sunday, portlandpiratefestival.com. $8-$20. All ages.