Beethoven. All of Beethoven. Eldred Marshall, this weekend.

Casting Call

Want to shake your jailbait booty to "My Junk"? The producers of Spring Awakening, the Tony-sweeping musical about horny schoolboys, are holding an open audition for male singers ages 17-21 and female singers ages 16-21 for Broadway replacements and an upcoming national tour. Bring your headshot and a folk or alt.-rock song (with sheet music) to Artists Repertory Theatre (515 SW Morrison St.) at 11 am Friday, Sept. 21. For more information, call 212-719-9393, ext. 360.

STAGE

Balls! Three One-Act Plays by Alan Ball

[CLOSES SATURDAY] Armed with Academy Award-winning screenwriter Alan Ball's acerbic words, director Jennie Lee cuts her Portland directorial debut with three hilarious one-act stabs at life's nasty superficiality. "Your Mother's Butt" starts the session by lashing out at pathological consumerism. Next comes the beautifully poisonous chemistry between actors Joanna Burgess and Kendall Wells as they struggle for ideal images in "Made for a Woman." Ball then wrenches open the Pandora's box of sexuality and manipulation in the chaotic finale of "Power Lunch." This zany collection of plays levels a concise indictment of the modern malaise, but without straying too far from genuine knee-slappers. WILLIAM CRAWFORD. The 3~Moment Players at the CoHo Theatre, 2257 NW Raleigh St. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes Sept. 22. $15.

Chocolate Confessions

Five years later, the popular one-woman musical comedy about the therapeutic powers of sugar, created and performed by Lake Oswego's Joan Freed, returns. Word Trade Center Theater, 25 SW Salmon St., 784-6220. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Nov. 18. $29-$31.

A Doll's House

[CLOSES SATURDAY] Another audience member described this updated staging as "people standing around, beating each other with the verbal equivalent of Wiffle bats." That about sums it up. Director Mary McDonald-Lewis had the best of intentions in moving Ibsen's humanist classic from 1870s Norway to 1950s America, but the idea backfires: Nora, the play's naive protagonist, comes off more stupid and self-centered than trapped and misused. What, with a maid and a nanny taking care of the household, does this woman do all day? Stiff performances make the almost-three-hour show tough to sit through, leaving plenty of time to eyeball the "midcentury modern" set, most of which happens to be for sale. Shop away! BEN WATERHOUSE. Theatre Vertigo at Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 306-0870. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes Sept. 22. $15.

House & Garden

Although these interlocking comedies by Alan Ayckbourn—performed simultaneously on Artists Rep's two stages by the same cast—can be enjoyed individually, it's as impossible to perform one without the other as it would be to stage them. Both involve one day in the lives of several couples at an English estate. House, a well-constructed "traditional" drama, is set in the sitting room; Garden, a more wild and sporadic show, obviously takes place in the garden. House, full of politicking and negotiation, finds people up to the usual upper-class marital shenanigans, while Garden lets loose the random absurdity of the natural world, with confused people dashing in and out of bushes, dancing in the rain and generally behaving foolishly. The thematic split between the civilized (if vicious) house and the Arcadian garden strongly echoes Shakespeare's As You Like It, even though the experience feels more like Altman's Gosford Park. Very much like Altman's, the action flows by in crashes and spurts—appropriate for a show with a central metaphor involving a clogged fountain and broken china. Both plays are well directed by Jon Kretzu and Allen Nause and joyfully performed by an enormous ensemble of many of the city's finest actors, and both will make for a satisfying evening. If you see just one, though, see House, which makes more sense on its own. Overall, it's an ambitious project, and one that could have gone terribly wrong. It hasn't, and Artists Rep can add another feather to its cap. BEN WATERHOUSE. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1516 SW Alder St., 241-1278. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 and 7:30 pm Sundays, 11 am Sept. 26 and Oct. 3. Closes Oct. 14. $25-$47, $20 students.

The Lesser Magoo

After four seasons, defunkt theatre has finally made it to the last installment of the Crowtet (Mac Wellman's loosely connected quartet chronicling the bizarre adventures of Susanna Curran), a feat only one other company in the country has ever pulled off. This time we see Curran (fresh from a journey to bury the moon with the prophetical Mr. William Hard in last year's Second-Hand Smoke) conducting a brutal job interview in a mysterious office and attending a dinner party that devolves into magical shenanigans in the woods. As usual, defunkt has furnished this difficult beast of a play with excellent set, sound and costume design, continuing to play with the ribbon theme established in Second-Hand Smoke. James Moore, Frances Binder, Danika Stochosky and company handle the absurd language gamely, and belt out the musical interludes with abandon. It takes an almost lunatic courage to pull off a project as obscure and financially untenable as the Crowtet, but there are few companies more courageous than defunkt. Bless 'em, by Great Toothy. BEN WATERHOUSE. The Back Door Theater, 4319 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 481-2960. 8 pm Thursdays-Sundays. Closes Oct. 13. $10-$15, Thursdays and Sundays are "pay what you will."

Mariela in the Desert

[OPENS FRIDAY] Olga Sanchez stars as Mariela, half of the couple who founded a rural artists' colony frequented by the likes of Diego Rivera, who ends up struggling with a runaway daughter and creative starvation. Miracle Mainstage at the Milagro Theatre, 525 SE Stark St., 236-7253. 7:30 pm Thursdays, 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Opens Sept. 21. $18-$20.

A Midsummer Night's Dream

Puck, Bottom and the rest frolic in the Athenian woods. Northwest Classical Theatre Company at the Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th Ave., 971-244-3740. 7 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Sept. 30. $12-$18.

Peace

This adaptation of Aristophanes' pacifist play asks what would happen if we quit warfare for good, thanks to a farmer riding a dung beetle. Good question! Classic Greek Theatre of Oregon at Reed College's Cerf Theatre, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd. 4 pm Saturdays-Sundays, noon Sept. 20-21, 26-28. Closes Sept. 30. $10-$20.

Thoroughly Modern Millie

Is this new old musical a pastoral girl-gets-boy love story, or is it a period pastiche? Are its characters cartoon vibrant or human flesh and blood? In Lakewood Theatre Company's ramshackle production, directed and choreographed by Milli Hoelscher, this is never clear. Young Millie Dillmount's coming-of-age story in modern Manhattan may be tricked out with all the necessary musical comedy baubles—bob cuts and flapper dresses, happy tappers, and Jeanine Tesori's pleasant jazz-tinged score—but the characters in Rich Morris and Dick Scanlan's wisp of a book, which is both less entertaining and burdened with more race-baiting than the 1967 movie on which the musical is based, rarely register as more than smiley cardboard cut-outs. In the title role, Kelly Stewart hits her marks and taps with enthusiasm; she gets competent assistance from Sarah Dresser (as Mrs. Meers), Amanda Valley (Muzzy Van Hossmere) and Sammuel Hawkins (Trevor Graydon). STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. Lakewood Theatre Company at Lakewood Center for the Arts, 368 S State St., Lake Oswego, 635-3901. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 7 pm Sundays; 2 pm Oct. 7, 14 and 21. Closes Oct. 21. $26-$28.

We Play Dead in the Hundred Acre Woods

[OPENS FRIDAY] An absurdist riff on the more adult themes of the works of A.A. Milne. We Play Dead at Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th Ave., 284-1030, and Rotture, 315 SE 3rd Ave., 234-5683. 9 pm Friday, Sept. 21, at Someday Lounge; 9 pm Wednesday, Sept. 26, and Saturday, Sept. 29, at Rotture. $3-$5.

Who Stole My Dead Husband?

[EXTENDED RUN] Lou Pallotta's Italo-sploitation family dinner theater, starring Jim Caputo, continues through December. Madison's East Wing, 1125 SE Madison St., 800-966-8865. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays. Closes December 22. $60-$69, dinner included.

Comedy

John Bizarre, standup

A highly animated (you might say "manic") and remarkably unfunny comedian who garners plenty of national TV appearances despite his mediocre delivery of overtold anecdotes and childish gags. Harvey's Comedy Club, 436 NW 6th Ave., 241-0338. 8 pm Thursday, 8:30 and 10:30 pm Friday, 5, 7:30 and 10 pm Saturday, 7 pm Sunday, Sept. 20-23. $15.

Super Project Lab, improv

[OPENS THURSDAY] "Meet your ____!" returns, this time with a beauty queen, a roboticist, a judge, a janitor, David Bragdon and Steve Novick. The Gerding Theater, 128 NW 11th Ave., 230-9061. 8 pm Thursdays-Fridays and Saturday, Sept. 29. Opens Sept. 21. $10.

classical

The Way Home

Developed from conversations with members of Portland's Asian-American community, Portland Taiko debuts a new music-theater-dance work about overcoming prejudice and building life and community anew, with Taiko performers and Oregon poet-laureate Lawson Fusao Inada. PCPA Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 790-2787. 8 pm Friday-Saturday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, Sept. 21-23. $28.75

Guitarist Jason Vieaux in Recital

Classical musicians are becoming increasingly interested in appropriating rock, pop and jazz for their instrument (or voice). Christopher O'Riley got a great deal of press for his Radiohead transcriptions for piano a few years back. Anne Sofie von Otter did a CD of Elvis Costello tunes that wasn't so bad. Cleveland-based floppy-haired blond classical guitarist Jason Vieaux is jumping on the bandwagon, too, and his current musical love affair is with Pat Metheny, that Missouri-born jazz guitar legend. In his Portland Classic Guitar series recital, Vieaux offers one Metheny tune, "The Bat," and a smattering of more traditional works: a J.S. Bach Prelude, Fugue and Allego, BWV 998, the Fernando Sor Variations on a Theme of Mozart, two Albeniz tunes. Portland Classic Guitar, 11923 SE McLoughlin Blvd., 652-1418. 8 pm Wednesday, Sept. 19. $30-$35.

Carmen

Jossie Pérez tackles (and we mean tackles) the title role the Boston Globe said would "make her rich and famous," in Portland Opera's season-opening production. Tenor Richard Troxell faces an uphill battle as her Don José, and sweet-voiced Maureen O'Flynn—last seen as a withering Marguerite in last year's Faust—plays the virginal Micaela. See page 33 for more on Pérez. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., 241-1802. 7:30 pm Friday, Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, Sept. 21, 25, 27 and 29; 2 pm Sunday, Sept. 23. $41.75-$147.75.

Shall We Dance?

The Ringering/Wheeler Piano Duo breeze through duo piano music by Samuel Barber, John Corigliano, Piazzolla, Gershwin and others. Taylor-Meade Performing Arts Center at Pacific University, 2014 Cedar St., Forest Grove, 357-6151. 7:30 pm Friday, Sept. 21. Free.

Van Cliburn Plays Tchaikovsky

Yeah, so, the advance reports are that this thing is just about sold out, so you'll have to work that corner outside the Schnitz to hustle up a ticket or two. Van Cliburn began beating the musical world into submission with his grand pianism half a century ago. Portland audiences will hear him in a signature work, the Tchaikovsky Piano Concerto No. 1, alongside other Tchaikovsky novelty numbers. Carlos Kalmar conducts this pre-season-opener for the Oregon Symphony. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 228-1353. 7:30 pm Saturday, Sept. 22. $45-$142.

Beethoven Sonata Cycle, Part 1

There has been a serious dearth of great concert pianists of color emerging in the past several decades, so it's always encouraging to note a new presence on the musical landscape. Twenty-six-year-old Eldred Marshall brings a unique set of experiences to his burgeoning career—he majored in political science at Yale and spent a year overseas studying piano repertoire in Spain—and has set an especially (overly, perhaps?) ambitious agenda for himself this fall and winter in Portland: He plans to perform a series of Beethoven sonatas—like, all of them—over eight concerts (September to December) at the Community Music Center. That takes balls, son. He's doing it for peanuts (read: free-will donations), so you've got nothing to lose by heading out to hear him sink or swim. Marshall opens with Beethoven's first piano sonata, the Appassionata, and continues Sunday with the Waldstein and others. Community Music Center, 3350 SE Francis St., 823-3177. 8 pm Saturday, 4 pm Sunday, Sept. 22-23. Free.

dance

Urban Sprawled

Whether it's the amber glow of happy hour or the blue glare of a computer screen, skinner/kirk Dance Ensemble's Urban Sprawled casts a light on how city folks live. It furthers the line of inquiry that Skinner, whose day job is dancing for BodyVox, started with Streaming and Untitled Brief, two previous treatments of love and work in the modern age. Set to a soundscape populated by Brian Eno, Yo-Yo Ma, Tortoise and Elliott Smith, Urban Sprawled considers romance and solitude, beauty and apathy in an urban environment. This seven-member company, performing together for the first time and featuring Skinner's partner and fellow BodyVoxer Daniel Kirk, breaks it down for us in eight sections. Look for Skinner's solo from Portland contemporary dance guru Gregg Bielemeier as well. BodyVox Studio, 1300 NW Northrup St. 236-7495. 7:31 pm Thursday, 7:31 pm and 9:01 pm Saturday. Tickets by reservation only at skinnerkirkdance@hotmail.com. $10-$20.

Sun-Clothed Woman

A Pentecostal upbringing and Revelation 12:1 ("And there appeared a great wonder in Heaven; a woman clothed with the sun, and the moon under her feet and upon her head a crown of twelve stars") begat Carla Damaris Grant's performance piece about the end of the world. Drawing from her churchy childhood, Grant uses sound and storytelling to examine our collective interest in our collective demise, and offers a personal inventory of concerns to address before it happens. Hipbone Studio, 1847 E Burnside St., #104, 679-0724. 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 6 pm Sundays. Closes Oct. 7. $15.