CHARLIE BROWN'S GREEN WITH ENVY: Pioneer Courthouse Square, Friday. IMAGE: Courtesy of Pioneer Courthouse Square & Duane Morris Photography

Friday Nov. 23

The Fourth Horseman of the Holiday Apocalypse

We've put them off. We've pretended they're not upon us. But regardless of how long we hold out, Thanksgiving marks the official beginning of the holiday season—the season of packed malls, intensive holiday travel, drunken relatives, creepy elves and screaming children. So, why not ring them in with style? The Macy's Holiday Parade is the official kickoff to the 2007 holiday season, and it's a spectacle to behold on a morning when bellies are still bloated from turkey. Beginning at Lincoln High School, the parade will wrap through downtown Portland, with psychedelic floats, bands, cool cars, cops and various holiday figures marching through the streets, passing throngs of gawkers. It's a perfect way to practice elbowing people out of the way at the malls this season, as people have a tendency to push and shove for a prime curbside vantage point. The parade will wind north on Southwest 14th Avenue, swing east down Alder Street, turn south on 2nd Avenue and march west up Taylor Street before ending somewhere near its starting point. Better stake out a good spot as soon as possible—people get pretty crazy duct-taping spots in advance. Parade begins at Lincoln High School, 1600 SW Salmon St., 8:30 am. All ages. Free.

Blinded by the Light

Sure, the holidays are all about giving, love, family and friends, joy to the world and good tidings of comfort and joy. But there's also a lot of crazy stuff going on—people are bludgeoning each other over toys. Kids are looking over their shoulders, fearing that an omniscient fat man at the North Pole is watching their every move, even when they're sleeping. Incoming relatives are bad-mouthed constantly. People down drinks heavily. Yeah, it's all about cheer, but there's still a lot of debauchery floating around in the holiday season. That's why, throughout modern history, the holidays have been marked with startling displays of lights. Bright, luminous lights, the glow from which seems intended to spread luminescent warmth into the hearts and minds of people around the world. But I have a sneaking suspicion that these lights serve a different purpose. We're using the gazillion-watt displays to be festive, to be sure. But I suspect that we're also putting up a bright smokescreen. The more light we emit, the more we make it difficult for the deity of our choice to see exactly what we're up to down here on Earth. Maybe if we send up enough light, God won't see us paying too much attention to a stripper in a Mrs. Claus outfit, or stealing a hard-to-find toy out of another shopper's cart. Regardless of how you view the purpose of the lights, Portland celebrates the lighting of its holiday tree Friday night, a tradition for the whole family (naughty or nice). The 75-foot Douglas fir has been prepped with lights for two weeks, and in this celebration to kick off the season, Mayor Tom Potter will officially flip the switch and start the season with the electric glow of holiday glory. Potter will be joined by sweatshop manager Santa Claus and a performance by the Portland Jazz Orchestra. This is a bigtime event for many families, so be sure to arrive early to get a good spot. Pioneer Courthouse Square, Southwest 6th Avenue and Morrison Street, 223-1613, pioneercourthousesquare.org. 5:30 pm. Free.

Saturday Nov. 24

The Hunted II: The Scavenged

The last time there was a large-scale hunt through Portland, Tommy Lee Jones chased Benicio Del Toro up the Hawthorne Bridge, threw a bunch of knives and crashed into people on the Waterfront. The folks at Faultless Fun Inc. would do well to dismiss any of the hunting tips contained in the Portland-filmed The Hunted—not only because the movie was a total crock of shit, but because it flubbed Portland's geography at every opportunity. While it might be tempting to use the flawed film as a guide to The Urban Scavenger Hunt, the teams involved will probably have a better go of navigating PDX than Del Toro's character did—hell, a 6-year-old probably would. Teams seek answers to riddles with a list of clues that describe places, people, objects and landmarks in the city, then use digital cameras (or camera phones) to prove they solved the riddles. Along the way, games will be played (the details of which are kept under wraps to avoid cheating) and garner extra "scavenger points" when completed. The hunt, suitable for families and friends of all ages (but geared more toward adults), is contained entirely in Fareless Square. People are encouraged to use TriMet, and use of personal vehicles and cabs constitutes cheating (remember, MAX only runs on the Hawthorne Bridge in the movies). The hunt is estimated to take anywhere from two to four hours. McMenamins Market Street Pub, 1526 SW 10th Ave. Hunt starts at noon, registration at 11 am. $60 per team (includes T-shirts). Registration required. To register, email faultlessfun@yahoo.com or call (360) 493-0100.