It’s All About... Are You Freakin’ Kidding Me?

[April 1st, 2009]

We love a good practical joke, but our nation’s current situation is getting out of control. It’s like the country is collectively living that damn Groundhog Day movie, only instead of the holiday about a woodchuck checking the shadow of his own balls, we’re living April Fool’s Day—and no one’s going to squeal “Gotcha!” So in honor of the upcoming holiday and our all-American state of nonsense, this Consumer Whore is all about whether or not the below products are fucking kidding us, because we simply weren’t born with enough middle fingers.

AXE Dark Temptation

Besides having the most racially insensitive marketing campaign known to mankind, Axe Dark Temptation deodorant body spray ($5.49) reeks of chocolate…and desperation. Imagine a dude walking down the hallway at work stinking like a hot fudge sundae. That’s not sexy, it’s sad; the only thing he’ll attract are bees and crazy ladies with PMS.

Kindle 2, Amazon’s Wireless Reading Device

The ultimate in ADD-chic, the Kindle 2 Wireless Reading Device (around $360) is all kinds of wrong. Books are lovely things. They smell fabulous. The act of flipping a page makes one feel a sense of achievement. Please, Jebus, Amazon.com has put enough bookstores out of business. Don’t take the books away, too. One final note: Whoever named it a “wireless reading device” is genius, because those paperback AC adaptors were super-inconvenient.

Greg Oden O-Fon by Cricket

Ohhhhh, Oden. We realize you probably didn’t know about your injury before getting all literal with your signature on your “signature” phone ($199), but...you do not deserve a signature “Fon.” Yet.

MBT Shoes

Women do idiotic things in the name of beauty all the time, but this one takes the cake. MBT “anti-shoes” ($235-$260) activate neglected muscles and turn the average woman into Frankenstein. Our Pilates instructor claims MBTs kept her core solid throughout her pregnancy, but she’s also under 5 feet tall. We’re dubious.

Pink Himalayan Salt Blocks

Pretty, pink salt is fabulous. Any salt is fabulous, but…an entire block ($17-$98)? Aren’t those for horses? We must admit, it’s an interesting cooking concept: Use the brick as a plate and the food will just seep up the salt, fire it up and fry an egg on it, or simply shave some onto your meal. Some foodies will do anything in the name of gastronomy. Actually, you can get these at super-sweet Portland salt shop the Meadow. We take it back; these are pretty cool.