Stuff That Stocking!

[December 17th, 2003] Queers and Christmas go together like eggnog and assholes. That is, these pairs ignore each other unless there's alcohol involved. And during this present-buying season, you might think that the heightened style sense of our times should make it easy to buy holiday gifts for homos, right?

Wrong, Crisco Kringle. Queers are notoriously unimpressed when it comes to receiving gifts. We're conspicuous consumers, after all. Besides, most queers have enough martini sets to last a lifetime. So instead of stuffing your gay Uncle Howie's stocking with one more bottle of Stoli this year, why not give him a present he'd really like?

For Queer Window's Fourth Annual Yuletide Gift Guide, I've selected some of the queerest gifts the season, designed for gay guys and gals and those folks who have chosen to live life somewhere in between.

For the Ladies: How do you trim her tree? With athletics ornaments of course! Dyke-looking danglers at the Christmas Corner ($6.99, Pioneer Place, 700 SW 5th Ave., 796-5891) include all sorts of sporty gals--and a butch-looking coach. Femme types might like the ice skaters (you can see the panties).

Madonna Remixed & Revisited is a rockin' remix of Madge's American Life. Better yet, it includes her lesbo-licious MTV performance with Xtina, Missy Elliott and that slutty Britney Spears ($9.95, Balloons on Broadway, 617 SW Washington St., 241-3336).

Ty Pennington, the home-repair stud on TLC's Trading Spaces, sells gifts on his website www.tythehandyguy.com. A nice fit for the dyke who is good with her hands is Ty's own Eager Beaver T-shirt ($24.99), which implies: "I'm naughty and I'm not afraid of any friggin' power tool."

For the Gents: What gay guy hasn't played a solo game while watching Jeff Stryker? Well, it's time to let Jeff in on the action. That's because this gay porn star with the super-sized schlong has come out with his own action figure ($59.95, www.jeff-stryker.info or by special order at Gai-Pied, 2544 NE Broadway, 331-1125).

One of the illustrators behind the oh-so-naughty, just-pulled-off-the-racks Abercrombie catalog has now penned the ultimate "children's" book for queer dudes. Each letter of the alphabet in Maurice Vellekoop's ABC Book: A Homoerotic Primer ($12.95, Green Candy Press, CounterMedia, 927 SW Oak St., 226-8141) features sweaty man-on-man sex. I promise you will never look at the letter M the same way again.

Martha Cornog's The Big Book of Masturbation ($22, Down There Press, Counter-Media) doesn't beat around the bush in its discussion of spanking your spunk. Nor does Mack Friedman's Strapped for Cash: A History of American Hustler Culture ($19.95, Alyson Publications, CounterMedia). For a quickie, try Glen Hanson and Allan Neuwirth's Chelsea Boys ($13.95, Alyson), a kicky comic book that follows the lives of three gay roommates living and loving in NYC.

For Gender Benders: Several times a year, a California-based company called Cookie Jar Antiques comes to town to sell its wares at one of the big Expo Center antique shows--including a slew of cookie jars that look like drag queens. No joke, these things look freaky. You can't buy these $75-and-up jars in town, but you can email owners Keith and Judy Lytle at lytcja@aol.com and they'll ship it to you.

Light up that glam gal in your life with a phone just like Grandma's. Crosley 1950s Princess Phones ($49.99, Meier & Frank, 621 SW 5th Ave., 223-0512, and other locations) come in a variety of colors, including pink and a seafoamy green. Ring-a-ding-ding, Miss Thing!