The Sorry Season

[June 2nd, 2004] The Nose understands the value of the apology. Sorry to the wife for the Nasal "lost weekend" that scuttled our Memorial Day plans. Mea culpa, to the fine folks at Noble Rot for the pathetic $15 tip in February. Really sorry, to the coworker whose Milanos "disappeared" off her desk.

The past days have seen a number of people falling all over themselves to say sorry these days, for transgressions that make the Schnozzle look like a low-bagger in the sin department.

There was ex-Guv Goldschmidt, taking responsibility, sorta, for re-enacting Lolita. County Chair Diane Linn apologized for her many screw-ups, then apologized for apologizing. The New York Times is ever-so-sorry it didn't see through the Bushies' three-card WMD monte game on Iraq. The FBI is quite contrite about the Brandon Mayfield thing--and promises Inspector Clouseau will never work in this town again.

As atonement fever sweeps the nation, the Nose has a few other apologies he'd like to see.

He'd like the 15 Democrats in the Oregon Senate to say they're sorry for asking for a special June session on taxes, then wussing out.

He'd like lumber baron Peter Stott to apologize for his bad, bad form. The 60-year-old plumbed new depths in class deficiency by throwing himself a lavish, 280-person birthday party on Portland State's campus as his company, Crown Pacific, crumples in bankruptcy. Yo, Peter--did any laid-off millworkers get invites?

He'd like the Portland Trail Blazers to apologize. This could fill an an entire column, but the Proboscis would be content if the Blazers simply confessed that ridding themselves of Jermaine O'Neal...well, the Nose has to stop before he stuffs up.

The Nose would like an apology from Multnomah County library director Molly Raphael. Two years ago, the Schnozz voted for the $146 million library levy, figuring he'd just bought limitless browsing hours. Last month, Raphael announced that the system's five biggest branches will all cut their hours anyway. Molly, can we get a little love over here?

This town deserves an apology from former eco-tage poster boy Craig Rosebraugh for the flaccid fare at his new cafe, Calendula. Local knife-kings Leatherman should be ashamed of using foreign-made parts while billing their multitools as USA-made. Krispy Kreme owes Portland big-time for its role in the impending demolition of the classic diner Waddle's. And--this one's personal--the Nose wants Dunkin' Donuts' corporate head for its low-carb donuts.

The Nose's plutocratic bosses at Willamette Week have some apologizing to do, too. Exhibit A: "Beware of groupthink" isn't exactly a helpful horoscope. Exhibit B: All those Betka Schpitz ads. Exhibit C: That Derry Jackson endorsement.

The glass walls at the office are a nice touch, though.