The Week: Not as exciting as Zell Miller and Chris Matthews --but very, very close.

[September 8th, 2004] WINNERS

Oregon Democrats winced as Republicans served John Kerry a Texas pistol-whipping, Kerry slumped in polls and a pall of apocalyptic gloom settled over the nation. But, hey--at least they stomped Ralph Nader! Secretary of State Bill Bradbury snuffed the independent prez candidate's Oregon ballot bid on a petition technicality. Naderites (and the GOP) gnashed teeth, while Dems hailed the seeming stake through the left-leaning vampire's heart. Stay tuned: A legal fight's likely.

Workers comp insurance provider Liberty Northwest won another PR victory last week with news that Kathy Keene, the former CEO of Liberty's archrival SAIF, ordered minutes of confidential board meetings destroyed despite a judge's order compelling SAIF not to destroy documents. The two insurers' quest to utterly destroy each other will come to the ballot in November.

The Northwest timber industry chilled the rosé and oiled up its Stihls after federal biologists rewrote a report about marbled murrelets. The seabirds' scarcity contributed to a steep decline in logging on federal lands. The report, revised at the behest of the Bush administration, says the local boids are essentially the same as their far more numerous Canadian cousins, and thus no longer need protection. Say goodnight, Tweety!

LOSERS

Multnomah County Chair Diane Linn once again proved her own political nemesis, as MultCo critics blasted the hiring of a consulting firm employing ex-chair Bev Stein. Just why Stein's firm is the only one around that can execute the $200,000 contract (to help the county save money, no less) was less than immediately apparent.

The popular prime-time show Nip/Tuck is now verboten to prisoners at Eastern Oregon Correctional Institution. The inmates had a little too much fun watching the plastic-surgery comedy's graphic slicing and dicing, rampant drug use and unusual sexual proclivities. Don't want to give them any new ideas...or dredge up any old ones.

Labor Day weekend proved hellish for Oregon kickers of all sorts: First, OSU bootboy Alexis Serna modeled goat horns (and a memorable rictus of facial anguish) after botching three extra points in the gridiron Beavs' heartbreaking near-upset of Louisiana State; then, soccer's Portland Timbers squandered a one-goal lead and their best season ever, tumbling to a playoff sudden death against the hated Seattle Sounders.