Instant wisdom on the week's events (now with mulling spices!).

[December 15th, 2004] WINNERS

Forget Vegas--think Stumptown! First the guv proposes state-run slot machines. Then comes news that a deal is imminent for the Warm Springs tribe to move their casino to Cascade Locks. The Locks is practically in East Portland already--and when the casino and the attendant crime, pawn shops and sleaze arrive, it will feel even more like home.

After eight years of secret campaigning (and Gawd knows what unspeakable favors for boring-yet-powerful Dems like Max Baucus and Harry Reid), Ron Wyden scooped a coveted U.S. Senate merit badge this week. The Oregon Democrat won a spot alongside Republican homeboy Gordon Smith on the Senate's powerful Finance Committee, beating out The Hillary and other hopefuls.

Not content to rest after landmark actions on gay marriage and librarian compensation, the Multnomah County Commissioners continued to grapple with tough national issues. By a 4-1 vote, the commission condemned the evil U.S.A. Patriot Act, urging local lawmakers to fight its reauthorization. Patriot Act supporters may sue the county for discrimination and harassment. (Kidding!)

LOSERS

Multnomah Greyhound Park achieved the seemingly impossible--it made its sport look even grimier! Seems that in order to prop up plummeting wagering totals, the geniuses at the dog track asked an employee to bet his brains out under an assumed name. The State Racing Commission socked all involved with measly fines. Not exactly Ocean's 12, but it's the best we can do this week.

Northeast Portlanders have just over a month to trim holiday love handles and bubble butts at their local Y. The neighborhood's 80-year-old YMCA looks bound for history's scrap heap--it needs a $7 million face lift the nonprofit says it can't afford. The ax won't fall until January, but Y Prez Bob Hall isn't holding out much hope.

Health care for the poor? Who needs it? Gov. Ted Kulongoski tearfully stuck a knife into the heart of Oregon Health & Science University, cutting nearly 40 percent of the Pill Hill teaching hospital's state funding. The roughly $33 million drop in the OHSU's piggy bank will have consequences, like (much) higher student tuition and a weaker rural health program.