Those Marring The Holidays With Boil-Brained Accusations About Christmas Thieves

[December 21st, 2005] This week, the Rogue desk is on the hunt for the thief or thieves who are stealing the X-mas spirit.

On the good authority of everyone from the Rev. Jerry Falwell to Bill O'Reilly and John Gibson, both of Fox News—not to mention our own Lars Larson—we know that craven bandits are touring this great country, choking the oxygen out of Christmas.

Armed with the Smith & Wesson given to the Rogue Desk last X-mas, Rogue elves went out touring Gotham, looking for the miscreants.

Yet everywhere the Rogue-hunter and his correspondents went, we found the contrary (other than the guy arrested a couple weeks back in Portland on charges of selling stolen Christmas trees).

Unless we missed something, church services went on as scheduled on Sunday, and will again this weekend.

The decorated Douglas fir still stands tall in Pioneer Courthouse Square, with no Grinch in sight. No Scrooge has taken down the lights from trees on downtown streets. And businesses have painted their windows with red bows and green holly.

At the main Post Office (we left our gun outside), nobody was going postal on Monday. "I'd say people here are happy, it's a good Christmas," said Jake Hartel, who works inside at the Java Post concession stand.

Outside of the Pioneer Courthouse, the bronze critters sported red ribbons around their necks. Across the street, at Meier & Frank's Santaland, the kids waiting in line to sit on Santa's lap and ride the monorail were all smiles.

Sure looked and sounded like Christmas to us.

So the Rogue Desk comes before you asking for a little forgiveness—in the spirit of Kwanzaa, Christmas, Hanukkah, winter solstice or simply "I'm drunk and alone, but in a damn good mood anyway"—that no Christmas thieves were found.

Maybe the Rogue should have done a piece about those marring the holidays with boil-brained accusations about Christmas thieves.