Where's The Beef?

[January 11th, 2006] A look at one of '06's hottest calendar themes, firemen—tacked up in cubicles all across America—leads me to one conclusion: We've reduced our working-class heroes to gay-looking hotties.

The hyper-masculine world of firefighters, like cops, has always been the stuff of dreams. Some of the eroticism swirling around these hard-on-inducers has to do with sheer panic; the fear that once our guys leave the house we may never seem them again. But, as leather queens figured out eons ago, more sexualized fantasies regarding these he-men come from the "look"—specifically, a well-equipped uniform. Or, in the case of firemen, what's under the uniform.

That's right. In the name of fundraising we've turned our hose-men into hos. Which I see nothing wrong with. It's high time we stripped these dudes down to their hard-bodied bare essentials.

From coast (New York) to coast (Seattle) you'll find plenty of shirtless boy wonders peering out of four-color calendars, oblivious to the fact they're nearly naked as raging wildfires tickle their plump, juicy behinds. Truth is, these athletically inclined firefighters look like they'd be more comfortable out of their clothes than in them. Hell, I wouldn't be surprised if these dudes don't head out to some secret male strip club so they can spin on another pole and put out a few more fires of their own. But enough of my Brokeback Mountain fantasies, already.

After years of watching other cities roll in the dough from these red-hot sellers, last November our own firefighting community dove into the calendar biz.

Portland's first annual Firefighters Calendar supports local services and the Firefighters Charitable Funds. It's full of fire-safety reminders and important dates like National Firefighters' Day (Sept. 11). But it's lacking in the one element that would make it super-hot: slicked-up pictures of men stripped down to nothing but a pair of well-placed, pectoral-stretchin' suspenders.

It sure beats other fundraising efforts where naked grannies let it all hang out behind a picket fence and a row of pansies—but not by much. In fact, the Jell-O served at a retirement home has more flavor than most of the PDX firefighters' stiff-looking, black-and-white panels.

And it's not like we don't have the right guys for the job. "Mr. January," Station 8's Jason Kelly, looks like he has a super-hot bod—but you'd never know it by the way this gent is straddling his fire engine. And don't even get me started with "Mr. June," Station 89's Robert Bigelow, and his gushing fire hose. How hard would it have been for Big Bob to take off his shirt and still keep his life jacket on? I emailed calendar photographer Michelle Baker to get the skinny on this G-rated crew, but no response.

I know, this is supposed to be about raising awareness and funds. But let's face it, the reason we pick these things up in the first place is to raise our temperatures—and a few other things, too.