Drink Listings D-L

[May 24th, 2006] Dino's Inn 1008 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-9516. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Cheap beer and kindly bartenders.

JEERS: Quality of dancers is definitely more miss than hit.

The only poles you will find at Dino's Inn are the wooden ones that are used to support the stripclub's microwaveable corn dogs ($1), which share menu space with microwaveable pizza ($2) and single-serving bags of chips ($1.50). There is sadly no pole on the club's sole stage, leaving its dancers to writhe and squirm against the wall and floor. Rather than sex goddesses, this makes them look more like drunks rolling about the insides of a doublewide, which some of the clientele might prefer. But on a recent visit, that factor, combined with the fact that the club did not possess enough PBR ($2.25 per pint) to render any of the fleshy ladies attractive, meant there was also absolutely no pole in my pants. STRIPPERS, LIVE MUSIC, VIDEO POKER, SMOKING. (MB)

Dirty Duck Tavern 439 NW 3rd Ave., 224-8446. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Ah, bears.

JEERS: Ahhh! OMIGOD! Bears!

Bears lurk in the smoky, wood-paneled confines of the Dirty Duck, nursing their drinks (apparently, bears drink only beer and wine, as that's all the Duck serves). Bears eye two hanging televisions that play Popeye cartoons in a loop. If you are not a bear—if you are, say, a clean-shaven, young, Asian, straight man—some bears might look at you askance as you walk in, making you feel a bit like a girly Goldilocks. If you're a leather-friendly gay bear (or a man who loves them), you will feel right at home. If you are wondering what bears are doing in a bar, you should probably skip the Dirty Duck Tavern. LIVE MUSIC, QUEER, TV, GAMES, POOL, JUKEBOX, WI-FI. (AC)

- Dixie Tavern 34 NW 3rd Ave., 234-9431. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: The stuffed, bra-wearing beaver is actually pretty funny.

JEERS: Yikes! It's a fake rock-'n'-roll bar!

The recently opened Dixie Tavern—once home to the Cobalt Lounge, an ACTUAL rock club—does have a mechanical bull, but how can a place with such wall ornaments as a Rolling Rock guitar, a West Coast Choppers Coors beer sign, and a mounted, bra-clad set of antlers be anything more than a bad Hooters-cum-Coyote Ugly ripoff? The servers are slutty but nice (they mimic real strippers by hanging from ropes above the bar), and the wall of rock posters could be cool...if this were a REAL rock club! Jeez. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, TV, SMOKING. (AM)

Dots Cafe 2521 SE Clinton St., 235-0203. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Neighborhood vibe and friendly staff.

JEERS: Cavelike atmo makes you feel like a gnome.

Kick back under the stony gaze of Mr. Spock and a black-velvet Elvis whose eyes follow your every move. They're luring you, daring you to try the Kitsch Cooler (Jack Daniel's, lemonade and blackberry Torani syrup, $5)—resist. Go for the local brews on tap ($3.25 per pint). Gnome likes beer. A vegan burrito ($6.50) is a nice addition: Fresh, gently spicy and ample, you'll hardly know it's tofu. FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, POOL, ATM, SMOKE-FREE AND UNDER 21 OK IN THE CAFE UNTIL 10 PM, MEGASMOKING IN BAR. (KMB)

Doug Fir 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: One should have to pay a carnival-funhouse entry fee just to enter the gold-veined, floor-to-ceiling-mirrored majesty of Doug Fir's upstairs bathrooms.

JEERS: I don't care how much money the management spent to convert this old motel's underground parking garage into a state-of-the-art live-music venue. I think the sound still sucks.

Think of this sprawling, glammed-out log cabin as Portland's version of Disneyland's "It's a Small World" ride. As one-half of the Jupiter Hotel's East Burnside pleasure complex, this bar, live-music club and restaurant holds a little inebriated allure for everyone—from drunk, cackling packs of barely legal girls and aging, popped-collar jackholes to local indie-music royalty, artsy stars and skulking haters who constantly say how much they loathe the damn place. Grab a glass of Maker's on the rocks or perhaps a slice of pie (note: The spendy eats are best at breakfast), head out to the fab patio (an immense courtyard of plank tables and smoke clouds the size of Delaware) and just watch the show roll by. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, DJs, FIREPLACE. (KC)

Dublin Pub 6821 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 297-2889. Daily-nightly Monday-Saturday.

CHEERS: Table seating for over 150 people.

JEERS: Headed to the Dublin for live music? You might have to brawl for a spot near the stage.

Local microbrews rule at this traditional Irish pub, with Ashland Amber and Bend Brewing Co. just some of the available ambrosias. The decor keeps the beer-lust theme, with vintage tap pulls lining the walls above the bar. Check out the Pub Sampler: five beers for $4.50. LIVE MUSIC, VIDEO POKER, POOL (FREE MONDAYS). (MC)

Duff's Garage 1635 SE 7th Ave., 234-2337. Nightly.

CHEERS: Rockabilly, surf rock and country that doesn't suck.

JEERS: The seemingly larger-than-life outside can throw you for a loop.

Despite its high ceilings, Duff's is small. On the positive side, the drinks are cheap and burly. The inside space looks like a collage made of things found in Brian Setzer's storage space. Nice. Duff's serves the classic bar menu, something fried or on a bun. The food is OK, but everyone is here for the tunes. HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, GAMES, VIDEO POKER, TV. (EG)

Duke's Country Bar & Grill 14601 SE Division St., 760-1400. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Grandma schooling the cowgirls-in-training on the dance floor.

JEERS: They've got both kinds of music here—country and western—so if you're looking to get your Strokes on, you'd better take that half-gallon faux trucker's hat elsewhere, bub.

Coming to you from the meat-market specialists behind Barracuda and the Gypsy, Duke's focuses on bringing the hookup to the Urban Cowboy set with a big dance floor in back and plenty of events. There's also plenty of pool, fooz and other gaming action to keep you busy if you're strategically avoiding eye contact, and there are dance lessons on Thursdays and Fridays to ease you into the line. The scene don't do much for my achy-breaky heart, but I just don't think I understand. pool, foosball, video lottery, games, dancin', poker night, karaoke night, smoking. (IG)

Dunes 1905 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 493-8637. Nightly.

CHEERS: Grinding with a stranger in the dark.

JEERS: Claustrophobes, beware.

Plan on adding a new set of threads to the evening's tab if it involves this Northeast hipster cave. The odds are about a hundred-to-one you're coming out feeling like you just rolled around in an ashtray on a hundred-degree day. That's nothing new, but over the past year, Dunes has lost some pretense, added an occasional cover charge (usually 2 bucks), added liquor (nothing less than $5, but they're all doubles) and a non-Rainier beer (varies), and now has a music calendar so scattershot that it makes sense (in a totally different way) that there's no sign out front. LIVE MUSIC, DJ, VIDEO POKER. (MPB)

East Chinatown Lounge 322 NW Everett St., 226-1569. Nightly Tuesday-Sunday.

CHEERS: Swanky mod decor.

JEERS: The food is better in concept than in taste.

What induces a hangover most? Massive boozage is only half to blame for the wave of nausea and regret in the morning—the other half is probably the grease-soaked food at most drinking holes. East thoughtfully provides an entirely nonfried menu, including sweet bean hum bao ($3 for two) and sliced barbecue pork ($5). A slick '60s-era James Bond interior (think Octopussy) drenched in moody red and black, plus unusual drinks like the Mount Fuji ($7), a potion of sake and crème de cacao, add up to one classy joint. HAPPY HOUR, DJ, SMOKE-FREE. (SC)

Egyptian Club 3701 SE Division St., 236-8689. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Crazy murals of pyramids and chesty pharaoh-ettes.

JEERS: Try not to get lost; with three cavernous rooms, it can be tough to mingle.

Portland's true-blue lesbian nightclub offers three bars and a mean hummus and pita plate ($4.75.) With a karaoke room, a dance floor the size of a small city, and the occasional wet-T-shirt contest, the E-Room is paradise for drunk dykes. HAPPY HOUR, DRINK SPECIALS, DJs, LESBIAN/QUEER, DRAG, GAMES, TV, KARAOKE, VIDEO POKER, POOL. (MC)

Embers 110 NW Broadway, 222-3082. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: A historical collection of drag-ball trophies and a notorious goth night.

JEERS: Front bar is a live aquarium, but the fish keep dying off, which makes for sad drinking.

It's not hard to find an assorted gaggle of gay clubs to fit your needs on downtown's always bustling Stark Street, but just a few blocks away on Broadway, the Embers is unique. Three bars, a photo booth, free popcorn, pool, a vending machine with nudie-boy lighters, and one of the longest happy hours in town (11 am-8 pm) help the boys (and all the straighties that invade this place on the weekend) get down. HAPPY HOUR, DRINK SPECIALS, DJs, QUEER, DRAG, LATINO NIGHT, PHOTO BOOTH, KARAOKE, VIDEO POKER, TV. (MC)

The Empire Room 4260 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 231-9225. Daily-nightly Tuesday-Saturday.

CHEERS: You can take your parents here and they'll love it.

JEERS: The three sisters who run the place are nice but somewhat less than attentive.

This storefront wine bar decorated like a European train station that for some reason has grape Christmas lights, hosts live jazz and folk on weekends and is an ideal date spot for baby boomers. Merlot-tempranillo blends and riesling ($5 per glass) appeal to the casual winer, with a couple of hotshots like Ribera del Duero (Spain, $8 per glass) to sate those who desire the exotic. Careful ordering the foreign wines here, Cathy (of the sisters) may not be able to make out your accent. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, SMOKE-FREE. (JS)

Fox and Hounds 217 NW 2nd Ave., 243-5530. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Inexpensive food and strong drinks.

JEERS: Smoky interior and limited outdoor seating.

When you hear "Fox and Hounds," do you picture a bunch of snooty old gay coots with cigarette holders and ascots? You'd be wrong. Fox and Hounds is nothing but a sweet little blue-collar queer haven with dirt-cheap drinks and pretty decent food. The homemade clam chowder is magically delicious and the perfect companion to bartender Eric's classic cosmopolitans. The portions are hearty and served by a genuinely friendly and often entertaining staff. HAPPY HOUR, DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, TV & MOVIES, GAMES, VIDEO POKER. (EG)

Galaxy Restaurant and Lounge 909 E Burnside St., 234-5003. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Karaoke + cheap drinks = endless entertainment.

JEERS: All that smoke ain't good for the singin' pipes.

Despite its name, the karaoke-fueled Galaxy is strictly old-school and gritty. Between the video poker, gray and ashen carpet, surly barmaids, and cheap, stiff drinks, you'll swear you're in the lounge of a bowling alley, not one of the most venerable K-bars in the city. It won't impress scenesters, but for anyone looking for variety after attending a show at Doug Fir (which is right across the street), it's pure heaven—with cheese fries. HAPPY HOUR, DRINK SPECIALS, KARAOKE, GAMES, VIDEO POKER. (KS)

Goodfoot Lounge 2845 SE Stark St., 239-9292. Nightly.

CHEERS: Free pool from 5 to 9 pm, kick-ass art shows.

JEERS: Limited liquor selection.

Upstairs you've got high ceilings, pool, pinball and bitchin' graphic art; downstairs is cavernous, crowded (on weekends) and loud, bumping anything from hip-hop to hippie-friendly folk. If you're OK with simple drinks, Goodfoot hosts quite the party on both levels, though upstairs caters mostly to pool-shark hipsters. HAPPY HOUR, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, POOL, PINBALL, OPEN MIC. (JD)

The Grand Cafe 832 SE Grand Ave., 230-1166. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: The ladies' room is a shrine to Marilyn Monroe.

JEERS: The hundreds of framed photos lining the entrance seem exciting until you fail to spot anyone remotely famous in them.

What could be better than a bar that charges you just $3 at the door on ladies' night? What this sprawling, ancient two-story club lacks in crowds, it makes up for in location (just east of the Morrison Bridge), bartenders who could double as Britney's backup dancers, and general weirdness (Dead Marilyn ladies' room, anyone?). But the Grand is better known for the salsa club downstairs ("Andrea's Cha Cha Club"), with lessons at $10 a pop on Wednesdays and Fridays, and DJs spinning good Latin music, a rare treat in PDX. LIVE MUSIC, KARAOKE, SALSA, DANCE LESSONS, FREE BIRTHDAY PACKAGES. (MC)

The Green Room 2280 NW Thurman St., 228-6178. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Live music.

JEERS: Location is a bit out-of-the-way.

During the daylight hours, the Green Room may seem like a tavern on the verge of boarding up its windows. But once the sun drops, the nightly lineup of events, ranging from a songwriters showcase to reggae night, make this an ideal bar for late-night crawlers. A bit off the beaten path, the Green Room is your typical dark and brooding pub; uncomplicated, no frills or fronts—just down-and-dirty barbecue fare and frosty brewskis. Savor Deschutes Brewery's seasonal-for-spring Buzz Saw Brown ($3.50), a mix of toasted-grain, toffee and nutty aromas, or try trusty Mirror Pond Pale Ale, a perfect blend of citrus hops and malt sweetness. Then sink your chompers into the pulled-pork plate ($9.50), dripping in Texas whiskey barbecue sauce (the perfect accompaniment to a nice cold one). HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, OPEN MIC, KARAOKE. (EB)

- H2O 204 SW Yamhill St., 241-8132. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: MAX stops right outside the door.

JEERS: A VIP room will cost $200 to $300 on a busy night.

Compared with froufrou martini bars in the Pearl or Northwest, H-0's nitty-gritty Yamhill location and "theme nights" attract a welcomed, less-than-perfect crowd. Think "Bright Lights, Big Titties." This chic watering hole is a good spot for happy hour, but you may not get your money's worth ($5-$10 cover) on weekends. That is, unless you meet the blonde at the end of the bar. In line with its name, H-0 has a 500-gallon tropical fish tank, but sadly Animal Control recently sharked the resident gator from the premises. HAPPY HOUR, LIVE MUSIC, DJs, TV, MOVIES, SMOKE-FREE. (SG)

- Hawthorne Hideaway 2221 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 445-4600. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: While the pop-culture prattle is a bit random, it does make for good conversation.

JEERS: Sure it's only been open for a couple months, but the waitstaff is absurdly slow.

At first glance, there is nothing hidden about the Hideaway. It's right on Hawthorne, it's got a big, bright sign, and it's built a consistent clientele in just a few months. The bar is also incredibly inviting, with deep red walls and a comforting menu centered on burgers and a spicy house-specialty chili ($2.25 a cup. $3.95 a bowl). (There are plans to beef up the spare menu for the vegetarian set soon.) The Hideaway part is actually in the back, where the bar opens up into the equivalent of a giant clubhouse for twentysomethings, with pool and tons of nonsensical pop-culture paraphernelia covering the walls. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, POOL, JUKEBOX, SMOKING. (MB)

Henry's 12th Street Tavern 10 NW 12th Ave., 227-5320.

Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: A billion kinds of beer await in this former brewery.

JEERS: TVs make the sleek atmosphere look a bit like a Pearl District version of Applebee's.

Ladies, if you can tolerate guys in sports jerseys whose pick-up lines consist of John Mayer lyrics, come in and have 'em buy you one of 30 specialty martinis ($7.25-$8.25) or sip a brew at the built-in frozen-drink rail. Check out the surprisingly good and varied happy-hour food deals (from sushi platters to hearty sandwiches), then make your way to the upstairs billiards room as you catch "the game" on a big-screen television. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING/PATIO, GAMES, POOL, TV, MOVIES, SMOKE-FREE. (KS)

Hobo's 120 NW 3rd Ave. 224-3285, Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Shanghai Tunnels and show tunes.

JEERS: The food isn't as good as it used to be.

Hobo's is not only the queerest piano bar in town, it's also the only place where you're likely to see a slew of visitors, everybody from foodie Rachael Ray to a bunch of wide-eyed foreigners, taking in the sights at this dimly lit cocktail joint as they head on their way to tour Old Town's infamous Shanghai Tunnels. It's hard to say why the once-awesome food—prime rib, burgers and other beefy choices—has been just so-so lately, but it's still a charming enough place to take in a show tune near the piano (Thomas Lauderdale used to tickle its ivories) while quaffing a shot of a top-shelf liquor and cackling with some queens. FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, PIANO BAR, QUEER, FIREPLACE. (BB)

Holman's Bar and Grill 15 SE 28th Ave., 231-1093. Daily-Nightly, 24 hours Friday-Saturday.

CHEERS: Impeccable and attentive table service with cheap eats and drinks.

JEERS: Ceiling fans don't quite cut it in the summer heat.

Classic Portland, Holman's is a decorative museum on one side and a smoke-free dining room on the other. A full liquor bar and extensive dinner menu almost override the temptation for Holman's incredibly creamy deep-fried mac-'n'-cheese wedges ($4.50), and the "meal wheel" wins you free dinner, so why not? LIVE MUSIC, OUTDOOR SEATING, VIDEO POKER, LATE-NIGHT JUKEBOX, NON-SMOKING ROOM. (MC)

Holocene 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. Nightly Wednesday-Sunday.

CHEERS: Cool space, great sound and hip musical acts.

JEERS: Long, chaotic lines at the bar.

One of Portland's premiere music venues (they even have their own record label), Holocene inhabits a multichamber warehouse in Southeast's up-and-coming industrial district. Unlike some of its peer institutions, Holocene is both cool and community-oriented, regularly offering up its facilities to small local arts groups in need of a little fundraising. DJs and live music break it down almost every night, often with the added bonus of sweet video projections. If you're there on a weeknight when things are slow, try one of their cheeky drink specials like the Maul of America ($6): silver tequila, tomato juice, lemon, brandy and spices. Otherwise, pick something easy. Their bartenders, though on-the-ball, are typically slammed. HAPPY HOURS, DJ, LIVE MUSIC, DRINK SPECIALS, SMOKE-FREE, QUEER NIGHTS. (JD)

Hooters 11875 N Jantzen Drive, 735-9464. 11995 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 646-9464. 9950 SE Stark St., 251-8400. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Nobody hits you over the head with a lead pipe.

JEERS: Chuck E. Cheese's meets The Stepford Wives.

A loud, garish room with servers dressed as a nymphet pep-squad fantasy, as prepackaged as the flavorless food, like the rubbery buffalo chicken sandwich. The strippers-in-training are encouraged to flit about like bimbo bees through a field of ugly, lecherous flowers, and sit at their tables, coquettishly feigning interest in the customers, 45 seconds at a time: "How are YOU doing this evening?" For pedophiles and ex-frat boys who miss the little sorority-sister program. TV, WIDE-EYED TOTS, VIDEO POKER, SMOKE-FREE, SMOKING LOUNGE. (JL)

Horse Brass Pub 4534 SE Belmont St., 232-2202. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Authentic English vibe, plus Imperial pints, will have you channeling Churchill.

JEERS: Visiting the restroom? Better wear your Wellies.

The walls of this sprawling pub are covered with decades of mementos from devoted regulars crammed in with an awesome collection of Brit memorabilia. The Horse Brass has a staggering beer selection, and a wide array of whiskeys. Just be sure you don't mind sipping these potables they way they were meant to be tasted—in a swirling cloud of cigarette smoke. FOOD SPECIALS, DARTS, VIDEO POKER, TV. (JW)

Imbibe 2229 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 239-4002. Nightly.

CHEERS: Friendly, down-to-earth servers.

JEERS: A little pricey.

Like to color with Crayolas by candlelight? Then pull up a chair and doodle on one of Imbibe's brown paper tablecloths while you sip a swanky cocktail. This classy sofa-filled joint is for serious loungers with a taste for people-watching (especially in spring or summer when the front windows are wide open) and mellow jamming. Imbibe books great acoustic acts, DJs and even belly-dancing troupes. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, SMOKE-FREE. (JD)

Jax 826 SW 2nd Ave., 228-9128. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: A rooftop with a view.

JEERS: In the same building as Bally's Fitness, which means the possibility of post-workout meathead invasion—or the availability to work out post-drink.

It's the classic downtown sports bar: Located in the heart of suitland, come 5 pm, Jax has a garage door open to the sidewalk and a bar full of disgruntled, drunk cube-dwellers. What makes this place different is twofold: It's a bar dedicated to our professional lacrosse team, the LumberJax, and it's got an outrageously yummy and refined menu. Yeah, they've got wings, but they also have fresh, made-from-scratch ravioli ($9.50), and smoked-salmon enchiladas ($10.95). And during the summer (starting in June), you can also dine on said ravioli overlooking Mount Hood from the rooftop bar—when, of course, it's not being used for a wedding. happy hour, drink & food specials, outdoor seating, live music, video poker, wi-fi. (LS)

Joe's Cellar 1332 NW 21st Ave., 223-8825. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Cheap, hearty food washed down with cheap, strong drinks.

JEERS: Not very chic (which really isn't a bad thing at all).

Joe's Cellar indeed looks like the cellar of a man named Joe. The no-nonsense, but incredibly charming, waitresses look back to some hazy point in the mid-'70s with sincere longing—not an ironic smirk. Joe's is a bubble of unpretentiousness in ultra-hip Northwest, and menu items like German sausage ($5) as well as some bangin' daily specials practically sneer at the lithe soccer moms that flit about on the nearby trendy avenues. Dirt-cheap cocktails ($3) seem as much a courtesy to Joe's blue-collar patrons as any conscious marketing strategy. And they have a great happy hour—in the morning. HAPPY HOUR, VIDEO POKER, GAMES, POOL, JUKEBOX, TV. (AC)

Jolly Inn 1937 SE 11th Ave., 234-7869. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Maybe the cheapest beer in town (PBR is 75 cents from 9 to 10 pm).

JEERS: All the grub is prepared in a microwave.

This Ladd's Addition dive will remind you of college days wasted in your punk-rock neighbor's living room. The music's loud, you can smoke inside, and beer comes in cups called buckets. Friendly fights and patrons repeatedly falling off bar stools add to the "anything goes" air. Ask for a card to post your birthday on the wall so that friends know to buy you a bucket on your special day. HAPPY HOUR, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, TV, DARTS, PINBALL, VIDEO POKER, FREE POOL (AND FOOSBALL!). (SG)

Jolly Roger 1340 SE 12th Ave., 232-8060. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Finally, a bar that carries Jamaican Red Stripe.

JEERS: Ever want to be a sardine? Try stopping by on Reggae Night.

Don't let the silly tortoise sign fool you, the Jolly Roger is a great place to catch a game. The regular menu is reasonably priced and the late-night two-buck menu is enough to put a smile on the face of the most grief-stricken Trail Blazers fan. FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, LIVE MUSIC, DJ, POOL, GAMES, VIDEO POKER, TV, JUKEBOX. (EG)

Kells 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Soccer, whiskey and manly men with Irish accents.

JEERS: The smoker's lounge feels like the dungeon in Silence of the Lambs.

Kells may not have the greatest wine list or a trendy dining room, but what it lacks in flair it makes up for with better-than-average service and, of course, whiskey. Kell's has a selection for beginners as well as connoisseurs. Kells' menu offers traditional Irish eats like lamb stew and a Guinness shepherd's pie, but the Bushmill's wings are a most pleasant surprise. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, GAMES, TV, SMOKING LOUNGE/CIGAR ROOM. (EG)

Kelly's Olympian 426 SW Washington St., 228-3669. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: The biker decor is legit—one of the bar's owners just decided to park his collection overhead.

JEERS: Now you know what a parking space feels like.

The decor theme is hard to miss: The neon-glinting fleet of vintage motorbikes hanging from the ceiling gives the surreal impression that you've stumbled upon some art installation about the tragedy of helium abuse in the biker world. But lower your sights and keep 'em lowered, because the century-old Olympian has earned dive-bar cred that no PBR-spewing wannabe can match, and no Route 66 makeover can erase. Don't believe me? Check out the zombie room in the back, where the video-crack dispensers are. VIDEO POKER, TV, HAPPY HOUR, LIVE MUSIC, JUKEBOX, DJs, DRINK/FOOD SPECIALS. (IG)

The Know 2026 NE Alberta St., 473-8729. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Ideal hipness-to-pretension ratio (folks are both cool and friendly).

JEERS: The restroom lines are long, and hardly worth the wait.

With Iron City in either bottle or tall can ($1 at happy hour), this is a blue-collar bar with style. Rub elbows with local punk musicians and 12-foot-bike-riding clowns from across the street at tiled tables, or take in a show in the adjacent room with removable theater seating for rocking out or attentive listening. This art-district hot spot is always bustling at night but can be dreary in the early evening. happy hour, live music, dj, comedy, games, tv, movies, jukebox, smoking, wi-fi. (JS)

La Merde 301 SE Morrison St., 234-1324. Daily-nightly Monday-Friday, night-only Saturday-Sunday.

CHEERS: Takes the edge off the chaotic Montage experience.

JEERS: Waiters calling—no, screaming—diners to their tables can be a bit jarring.

It's too bad La Merde is so slick and attractive, because its neighboring parent restaurant, le Bistro Montage, feels dingy and noisy by comparison. The bar, minimally decorated in blue, silver and dark wood, avoids the common pitfall of trying too hard to be unique—with the exception of cutely named drinks like the grapefruity Homojito ($7)—but the effort in restraint seems wasted on what is essentially a waiting room for the main event. happy hour, drink specials, dj, smoking. (SC)

LaurelThirst Public House 2958 NE Glisan St., 232-1504. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: The house band, Kung Pao Chickens. Besides their almighty moniker, Kung Pao rocks Monday nights with a heavy dose of '30s-style gypsy jazz.

JEERS: Your eardrums need to know: Sometimes, when Kung Pao isn't playing, the speakers are sometimes seized by really crappy death metal.

Cash goes a long way at this frumpy little pub. Most of the 21 microbrews on tap are $4 a pint—and that's not even the "special" price (that would be $3, 9 am to 5 pm daily). In fact, there are discounts aplenty; there's also free pool from 9 to 5, no cover until 9 pm (except Thursdays and Saturdays). The cozy bar also doubles as a breakfast joint every day until 3 pm, with its salsa-licious breakfast burrito in the starring role. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, LIVE MUSIC, POOL. (LS)

Lotus 932 SW 3rd Ave., 227-6185. Daily-nightly.

CHEERS: Lotus has something for everyone when you're drunk.

JEERS: The lock on the women's bathroom door is tricky when you're drunk.

Wood-paneled walls, stuffed boar and elk heads, and a stately wooden mantelpiece: A stodgy Midwestern grandfather would love the decor. But Lotus is no place for old folks; it's the perfect bar for surburban types looking for an after-work drink and a big plate of nachos. On special occasions, the Lotus' cardroom becomes a Bacchanalian dance floor, complete with a scantily clad cage dancer. Order the infamous Christian-from-Behind ($6.75), a secret drink recipe of rum, vodka and blended tropical fruit juices. Make sure to order only one: Two CFBs will knock you on your ass. HAPPY HOUR, FOOD & DRINK SPECIALS, OUTDOOR SEATING, POOL, VIDEO POKER, TV, DJ, SPECIAL EVENTS. (PR)