Gossip Should Have No Friends

[June 7th, 2006] BATHROOM BREAK Eight years after the Northwest Film Center began showing Portlanders obscure indie films at downtown's Guild Theatre , the organization will close the doors of the historic venue —at least for the summer. Why? It's the crappers . Thomas Phillipson, the Film Center's PR and marketing manager, says the theater doesn't have its own restrooms. It had used the bathrooms of the space next door, until new tenant Pastini Pasteria recently removed those restrooms while renovating the space. The Film Center will hold off on showings until it can solve the toilet situation—which, Phillipson hopes, will be flushed out by fall. But Vanessa Sturgeon of TMT Development, the group that owns the Guild property, says that although TMT has offered the space to the Film Center rent-free for the past eight years, it is "working towards re-tenanting the space ." Will it still be a theater? "We don't know," says Sturgeon. Honey Bucket, anyone?

KRAZY TRAIN Bassist Allen "Big Al" Hunter —who plays with locals James Low & the Wreck —proved himself Portland's most entertaining wingman this past Saturday during his international tour pit stop at the Roseland with the Eels . Sporting a black tee bearing the word "Security," Hunter played everything but bass (percussion, keyboards and guitar) and even offered hilarious between-song banter. Hunter—whom leadman E referred to as "Krazy Al"—asked, deadpan: "Are there any Suicide Girls in the house?" and told the audience, "This is what it sounds like when doves cry ," before jangling bells into his mic. He also lifted weights and shadowboxed on stage, high-fiving audience members with a rubber-gloved hand and squirting whipped cream into fans' mouths. Who the hell needs pyrotechnics?

WHORE PATROL Revved up for Rose Fest's always horny Fleet Week , Scoop swiped a page from the Gawker (gawker.com) playbook and decided to dive head first into the personals on Craigslist.com in search of sailors —and the men and women who love them. Thank god good spelling isn't required for "active duty."

First, let's hear from the servicemen:

From "Waiting for Fleet Week? - m4w - 23": Looking to take a sailor home for fleet week? I'm 23, 6'3, a thick and muscular 200 pounds and 7 inches to make you remember me with. È From "Good looking sailor coming to town - 27": "I have been on this ship for way too long and I am ready for some good ol' R&R.... I am respectful of your boundaries and limits, and if provided the opportunity, I will always act like an officer and a gentleman." È From "Navy Man Looking for a Slut - m4w - 24": "Will be in town for fleet week....Looking for a horny older woman with free time during the day and able to host. Prefer married, but not required. You won't be disapointed."

And from those who want to service the men:

From "I want to please a sailor/marine/armyman - 24": "All you have to do is sit back, spread your legs and enjoy my mouth. Of course, if you want more, that's negotiable too." È From "a screamer looking for 'military men' - 40": "ANY MILITARY MEN ON LEAVE NEEDING RELIEF AND NOT CARING WHERE IT COMES FROM...OPEN TO MARINES, ARMY, NAVY, AIRFORCE, COAST GUARD, WILL EVEN DO IT WITH U IN UNIROFM OR NOT." È From "sailors 18 22 retreat": "Hey X-Jarhead retired would like to treat a guy right... I live alone in the Mt. Scott [area]. have beer... I can take you to the Casinos, beach u tell me your rules no pressure grab a beer unzip and play some x 360 games so tell me what you look like very discreet. no worriesssssssss SEMPER FI Thanks."