Santacon 2006

[December 6th, 2006] As yuletide spectacles go, the lighting of Pioneer Courthouse Square's "holiday tree" just can't compete with the sight of 200 drunken Santas swarming up West Burnside, swigging from Mr. Clean bottles and singing lewd perversions of Christmas carols. A joyously anarchic combination of Bad Santa, Mardi Gras, flashmob and peyote-eggnog hallucination, the bawdy barhop known as Santacon is organized (to use the word loosely) by the merry pranksters of the Cacophony Society and has expanded to more than three dozen cities worldwide since it first hit Portland 10 years ago. In our city, Santacon has attracted so many soused Santas that there will be two gatherings this month (details are on a strict need-to-know basis—but freely available on the Portland Cacophony Society website).

The draw of the event is obvious: If perpetuating the Santa Claus scam is a way of preserving childhood, then perpetrating Santacon is a way of reclaiming immaturity. The Kringle mobsters, who address one another only as "Santa" (and answer most questions that way, too), hand out candy to the kids and sex toys to the grownups. WW exchanged emails with a longtime Santacon carouser, a 32-year-old market-research manager who goes by the nom de noËl "Santa Curt."

WW: Ten years! How's Santa's liver doing?

Santa Curt: It's filled with holiday spirit!

This is the first year there will be two Portland Santacons. Are all the "cool" Santas going to be at the first one?

Only the procrastinating and ineffective Santas.

How does Santa decide when to hold Santacon, anyway?

Santa is sworn to secrecy, but it will suffice to say, it's a complicated and secret divination ritual involving a sacrificial virgin elf, a can of gelled cranberry sauce, pig's blood and a Ouija board.

Does Santa get misty-eyed about the "good old days" of Santarchy, before Santacon got all institutionalized?

Santa never looks back.

Does Santa worry about getting institutionalized?

Don't make Santa cut you!

Does he worry that Santacon might jump the shark? And what will the sign of that be?

Santas telecommuting to the event.

Billy Bob Thornton's "Bad Santa": Demigod or poser?

Demigod.

I can't believe cleaning-product bottles ever really lose that cleaning-product taste. Does Mad Dog in an old Pine-Sol bottle taste like retsina?

Are you kidding? It tastes like that in ANY container. Believe me...I know.

Does Santa go commando?

Would you cover up a masterpiece?

Does Santa objectify Mrs. Santa? And how comes it's not "Santa and Santa's husband"?

You lost me at "objectify." SHOW US YOUR TITS!

Is Santa omnisexual?

Santa's OMSIsexual. This is Portland, after all.

^READ FULL Q&A WITH THREE SANTAS HERE

With the help of a piece of ingenious spyware planted at NaughtyElfNeedsSpanking.com, WW was able to track down three Santacon savants who were willing to enlighten our readers before this year’s Ho-down.

In addition to Santa Curt, the 32-year-old marketing manager whose responses WW excerpted in this week’s print edition, we were able to interrogate two members of Santacon’s shadowy planning cabal: Santa Yankee Pants (“the Santa formerly known as Stinkbeard”), a 41-year-old Web animator, and Santa Wop, who preferred not to divulge particulars (with the apparent exception of his Mediterranean heritage).

Here’s a mash-up mix of our email four-way:

WW: Ten years! How’s Santa’s liver doing?

Santa Curt: It’s filled with holiday spirit!

Santa Wop: What liver?

Is this the first year that a second Santacon has been planned to accommodate all the Santas?

Santa Curt: Yes.

Santa Wop: It’s not to accommodate all the Santas. We can do that fine. It just happens that there are four Saturdays in the month and only three cities. So we decided to have a mini-Con.

Santa Yankee Pants: You must know that Santa is always innovating, keeping up with the times, based on whatever jolly surprises the holiday brings. This year, there are four Saturdays in December. There are only three Northwest cities in the Tri-SantaCon network (not counting the mini-cons in Bellingham and Victoria). So why not use this happy circumstance to bring more merriment to the burghers and citizens of Portland? Plus, it gives the up-and-coming Santa-herders a chance to take the reins and plan a route on their own. They’ll be taking over from the old guard next year, so this fourth Saturday rampage will be a fine opportunity to get their boots wet.

Are all the “cool” Santas going to be at the first one?

Santa Curt: Only the procrastinating and ineffective Santas.

Santa Wop: Santa will be at the first one. Santa will be at the second one, too.

What happened to “the more the merrier”?

Santa Curt: Stupid bars and their so-called Maximum Capacity laws! BAH-HUMBUG!

How DOES Santa decide when to hold our Santacon, anyway?

Santa Wop: Santa talks to Santa in Seattle and Santa in Vancouver, B.C. We take turns on which weekend to hold it so that Santa can ‘stagger’ the weekends.

Santa Curt: Santa is sworn to secrecy, but it will suffice to say, it’s a complicated and secret divination ritual involving a sacrificial virgin elf, a can of gelled cranberry sauce, pig’s blood and a Ouija Board.

Does Santa get misty-eyed about the “good old days” of Santarchy before it got all institutionalized?

Santa Yankee Pants: If you happen to overhear some hipster grinch grousing about how cool and anarchic SantaCon used to be back in the good old pre-Internets days and how bloated it’s become nowadays, just consider the source and do your own research. I think you’ll agree that there’s nothing more tiresome in this town than the “I was there then” subculture. Well, you know what? Santa was there then, too, and Santa is here now. And Santa is as jolly and unruly and dangerous as ever. Santa is the spirit of giving and cheer and home invasion, and what could be more anathema these days to a culture that knows the price of everything and the value of nothing?

Santa Curt: Santa never looks back.

Santa Wop: Santa SHOULD be locked up—I’m not sure I understand the question.

Does Santa worry about getting institutionalized?

Santa Curt: Don’t make Santa cut you!

Santa Wop: Santa is too drunk to worry.

Does he worry that Santacon might jump the shark? And what will the sign of that be?

Santa Curt: Santas telecommuting to the event.

Santa Wop: Talking to the media.

Santa Yankee Pants: Jump the shark? If you’ve been to the portland.cacophony.org website and followed the links, you’d know that Santa IS the shark! Santa must keep moving in order to thrive, and the Santa-herders understand this. Every year must bring some event that could conceivably result in arrest. (If we weren’t talking about Santa, of course—who could be such a scrooge as to threaten Santa with arrest?)

Are there any showings planned this year of You’d Better Watch Out: Portland Santacon ’96, the film documentary on the first Stumptown Santacon?

Santa Curt: There should be. I don’t know. Can you make that happen?

Santa Wop: I can neither confirm, nor deny, the existence of Santa Claus.

Mmmkay…. Billy Bob Thornton’s “Bad Santa”: demigod or poser?

Santa Curt: Demigod.

Santa Wop: Santa.

“You’d better watch out” just leads to general paranoia. What’s the single biggest thing I’d better watch out for?

Santa Curt: Just under 200 drunk Santas rampaging through downtown, for starters!

Santa Wop: Clowns.

I can’t believe cleaning-product bottles ever really lose that cleaning-product taste. Does Mad Dog in an old Pine-Sol bottle taste like retsina?

Santa Curt: Are you kidding? It tastes like that in any container. Believe me...I know.

Santa Wop: Why dilute Pine-Sol with Mad Dog?

Does Santa go commando?

Santa Curt: Would you cover up a masterpiece?

Santa Wop: Yes, all the Santas are packing heat.

Does Santa objectify Mrs. Santa? And how comes it’s not “Santa and Santa’s husband”?

Santa Curt: You lost me at “objectify.” SHOW US YOUR TITS!

Santa Wop: Uhm, its just Santa.

Is Santa omnisexual?

Santa Curt: Santa’s OMSIsexual. This is Portland, after all.

Santa Wop: But Santa denies having sex at the OMSI.

When the print media come sniffing around to dash off a preview just like the sacred Santacon is yet another production of The Nutcracker or something, is it time to call it a day, pack up the sleigh and head down to Santacon Tijuana?

Santa Curt: Not anytime soon. People this far north need something besides holiday cheer to look forward to in the winter.

Santa Yankee Pants: Sounds to me like someone needs to trade in his cynical journalist pose for a childlike sense of wonder! Come feel the power of Santa next Saturday, and it’s possible you’ll find yourself whispering to yourself, “I believe.” Plus, if you’ve been a good boy you might even get a special handmade toy out of the deal....

Santa Wop: What is this SantaCon you speak of?