Stuff That Stocking, Preacher!

[December 6th, 2006] It's been quite a year for all those much-whispered-about celebrities and politicos who've been forced to address their homosexuality publicly. Now, I'd love nothing better than to jump on top of the dog pile of juicy rumor mongering, especially about all those right-wing assholes who like to keep queers in their rightful place while still taking it up the ass. But during this time of year my thoughts turn to slush and I can't help thinking about what gifts these freshly minted queer folks might want under their holiday trees. That's why I've tweaked my annual gay gift guide to include presents for a few of our more illustrious, newly outed characters.

* De-frocked Pastor Ted Haggard : For this ultra-conservative, anti-gay Colorado preacher with a penchant for sex toys and gay male prostitutes, I'd suggest the most intriguing item out on the market: The Fleshlight (fleshlight.com). This flashlight-looking faux flesh-hound was designed by a former police officer whose wife had cut him off from sex while she was pregnant. Granted a patent as a "device for discreet sperm collection," it comes in four styles: "lady" (vagina); "mouth"; "nondescript" (which looks underage and slightly Asian); and, lastly "butt," a model that might rev up the good rev and make his time in hell, well, a bit more comfortable.

* De-throned Congressman Mark Foley: I can't think of a better page turner for the man who messed it all up for the Republicans this year by messing around with male congressional pages than a copy of The Confession by former New Jersey governor James McGreevey ($26.95, Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651). Although they're from differing political parties, Democrat McGreevey and Florida Republican Foley have stuff in common. They both liked to pursue political players underneath them. They both acted in what some consider a less than honorable way. And they both can say they never had sex with that other intern, Monica Lewinsky.

* D-Listers Doogie Howser, M.D., T. R. Knight and R.J. Helton: These initial-tagged twinks who play, or have played, supporting characters on television (How I Met Your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, American Idol) deserve some support for making coming out look easy. That's why it's high time we made them full-fledged stars in their own right with copies of Christopher Behren's Penis Pokey ($9.95, CounterMedia, 927 SW Oak St., 226-8141). A children's book for fun-loving adults, it's just like those ones you had as a kid that let you put your fingers through little holes to pretend you were a ballerina or a fireman. But instead of fingers this one allows you to put your actual hose through its ample hole. It brings a whole new meaning to paper cut and is a nice way to introduce yourself to those still-closeted Hollywood casting directors.