High-barb diets

[May 2nd, 2007] As you read this, Gov. Ted Kulongoski is probably wolfing a meal fit for a governor.

That's because the guv and first lady Mary Oberst last week put down the top sirloin and picked up the Top Ramen as part of a self-imposed $3-a-day food spending limit to show how hard it is for food-stamp recipients.

This got WW thinking: Which other overindulgent pols and public figures could use a change of diet?

City Commissioner Sam Adams should consider cutting back on the helpings of media face-time. He could at least forgo an appearance in WW for one week. Oops.

House Minority Leader Wayne Scott (R-Canby) could lay off on inappropriate business relationships, shrink his portions of extreme pro-business rhetoric and stop eating the souls of Oregon's workingmen and -women. But most of all, Scott needs to lose some head. Christ, that thing is huge! Can he even wear T-shirts?

U.S. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.) needs to decide what he's hungry for—the safe and familiar House salad he's been ordering for the past 11 years, or a tantalizing-but-risky bid to upgrade to the Senate dining room. Blumenauer is set to announce his order on Memorial Day. Last time he got a craving for something new was in 2003, when he flirted with a mayoral run but wound up sticking to his bread and butter.

Put down the syrup, Gordo. U.S. Sen. Gordon Smith (R-Ore.) loves his waffles. Or at least he does when it comes to the Iraq war. Smith's previous support for the war makes him a tempting meal for Blumenauer (Democrat Steve Novick is already in, using hand and hook to cut into Smith with gusto). And Smith's vote last week for a troop-withdrawal timetable makes him just as succulent for a conservative R in the 2008 primary.

Gus Van Sant's December drunken-driving arrest might seem like a good reason to cut back on the booze. But for his new movie Paranoid Park, Van Sant needs to channel troubled teens, which if anything means drinking more. He doesn't need to give up alcohol—just shift to a steady stream of Mad Dog and Mickey's on the public stairs.

Jefferson County Commissioners Bill Bellamy and Mike Ahern could use a mouthful of soap after calling State Sen. Vicki Walker (D-Eugene) a "bitch" and a "dumbass," respectively (see Rogue of the Week, WW, April 25, 2007). Or, since they're snickering and swearing like seventh graders, maybe just Handi Snacks and Capri Sun.

Multnomah County Sheriff Bernie Giusto is always looking to fit a few more inmates into the jail. How about three strikes and Bernie eats you?