[November 21st, 2007]

99 Intelligence Failures, New and Old

Think this war is bad? What about Napoleon’s rumor mill, or the inhumanly filthy conditions of the Crimean War? Terry Crowdy’s Military Misdemeanors: Corruption, Incompetence, Lust and Downright Stupidity ($16.95, Powell’s, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) chronicles battlefield blunders from Thermopylae to the dada saga of Private Jessica Lynch in 2003.

100 Know Your Enemy

There’s a decent chance that, one of these days, you’ll spot Tom Tancredo or Tim LaHaye walking down the street And, when that day comes, you’ll want to follow them and key the hell out of their limos. Memorize their faces with the Name That Republican flashcard set ($9.95, Borders Books&Music, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 220-5911) , a fact-filled set featuring the most hated faces of the GOP. Like the Pentagon’s “most-wanted” cards, only more practical.

101 We’re Counting the Seconds

Somehow it still seems like we have to wait forever for the happy day when Obama/Hillary/Giuliani/Romney/RonPaul/Kermit moves into the White House—and moves Bush out. Get a graphic depiction of the time remaining with the Bad President 16-month countdown calendar ($12.95, Annie Bloom’s Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 246-0053) . It’s your run-of-the-mill painful Bush-quote desk calendar—only this one counts down the days to Jan. 20, 2009. Unfortunately for us all, it’s still pretty thick.

102 They Can’t Keep It In

Larry Craig. Mark Foley. Jeff Gannon. What is it with all these pervert Republicans? Does constant exposure to Fox News and Toby Keith turn you into a raging sex fiend? Learn how to spot and avoid the philandering GOP with Joseph Minton Amann and Tom Breuer’s The Brotherhood of the Disappearing Pants: A Field Guide to Conservative Sex Scandals ($14.95, Barnes&Noble, 1317 Lloyd Center, 249-0800) , which identifies over 60 ribald right-wingers from Clarence Thomas to Bob Packwood. It’s scary reading.
 

103 Dear Departed

George Patton: auto collision on the way home from a German pheasant shoot. William Howard Taft: chronic cystitis. Richard the Lionheart: gangrene from an arrow fired by a little boy. These sordid deaths and dozens more are detailed in The Portable Obituary: How the Famous, Rich and Powerful Really Died ($14.95, Annie Bloom’s Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 246-0053) , Michael Largo’s macabre who’s who in the land of the dead.

104 Graphic History

Kids today! Can’t get ’em to pick up a book to save their lives. How are we supposed to pass on our rich political history when they won’t read? Well, son, that’s why God invented the graphic novel! Get those youngsters edumacated with Andrew Helfer, Steve Buccellato and Joe Staton’s Ronald Reagan: A Graphic Biography ($16.95, Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) , Sharon Rudahl’s A Dangerous Woman: The Graphic Biography of Emma Goldman ($17.95, Floating World Comics, 20 NW 5th Ave., 241-0227) or a preorder of Harvey Pekar and Gary Dumm’s Students for a Democratic Society: A Graphic History ($22, Amazon.com, due out January 2008).

105 They Treat Us Like Babies, Anyway

Yes, American politics can get more simplistic. Exhibit No. 1: Pat the Politician Vols. 1&2 ($10.95, Hello Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771) , a pair of picture books tailored to the modern voter. Ever wanted to touch Bill Clinton’s briefs? Now you can.

106 Tastefully Concealing the Taste of Corruption

Lapping up the administration’s lies all day tends to leave a foul flavor in the mouth. Bring back that clean-and-free feeling with Impeachmints peach-flavored mints ($3.95, Funny Bone, 617 SW Washington St., 241-0455) , engineered to bring back hope in our darkest hour. Don’t like peach? Try the more traditionalIndictmints or National Embarrassmints .

107 Before Rove

Halfway through our two-year election season, things are starting to get nasty. Nothing new there. Read up on our nation’s rich tradition of down-and-dirty campaigning in Anything for a Vote ($16.95, Borders Books&Music, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 220-5911) , Joseph Cummins’ anecdotal history of smear jobs from Washington v. Washington through Bush v. Kerry .

Gimme More

The No Fun Zone:

In his new children’s book, Kids Are Americans Too ($24.95, Barnes&Noble, 10206 SW Washington Road, 598-9455 and other locations) , Bill O’Reilly starts another national debate with a statement that no one else is debating. Note: Please do not give to your children.

The Next Pez-i-dent?:

Presidential hopefuls Hillary Clinton and Rudy Giuliani may not agree about much in the political arena, but their Prez Heads ($29.99, herobuilders.com) are in full agreement on the issue of candy.

It’s The American Way:

The Lazy Environmentalist by Josh Dorfman ($14.95, Borders Books and Music, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 220-5911, and other locations) : Doing the same thing for the planet that those electronic belt things did for abs.