[November 21st, 2007]

80 Quackgasm!

There are sex toys, and then there are sex toys . This noisily vibrating rubber (well, plastic) duckie may strike you as adorably cute or intensely disturbing, but it’s undeniably appealing, either way. The waterproof I Rub My Duckie “Paris” edition ($24.95, Fascinations, 9515 SE 82nd Ave., 774-4345) ups the ante with a removable feather boa and—we swear we aren’t making this up—genuine Swarovski crystal beauty spot. Bath time’s never been more fun—or creepy.

81 Crapping Paper

If you thought your in-laws’ place couldn’t possibly be more tacky, here’s evidence to the contrary: Toilart (a.k.a. toilet tattoos) ($9.95, Kmart, 12350 NE Sandy Blvd., 255-8903, and other locations) , a removable static-cling appliqué for your toilet seat. Well, not your toilet seat, obviously, but somebody’s toilet seat. Someone whose bathroom really needs that seasonal touch. Someone who would really enjoy a turkey-bedecked potty. Yeah, we thought you had someone in mind.

82 Excess for Dummies

There are some areas of knowledge that just aren’t taught at PCC. For a quick survey course on forbidden learning, pick up Forbidden Knowledge: 101 Things Not Everyone Should Know How to Do ($12.95, Borders Books&Music, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 220-5911, and other locations) to brush up on carjacking, card-counting, rabbit poaching and basic forgery. Looking for a more in-depth course of study? Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me host Peter Sagal’s The Book of Vice: Very Naughty Things (and How to Do Them) ($24.95, Annie Bloom’s Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 246-0053) contains semi-exhaustive analyses of the worlds of swingers, pornographers, gluttons and more.

83 Try This at Home

When your pricey “smoking pipe” takes a shattering fall, it’s a bum day. But don’t get all moody and anxious. Author and general handyman Ray Stratton imparts sage stoner advice in Build This Bong: Instructions and Diagrams for 40 Bongs, Pipes, and Hookahs (12.95, Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651). Simple instructions and everyday household goods—rubber duckies, coconuts, snow globes and teapots—are key ingredients to your ultimate DIY high.

84 Petite Pinup

Whether you’re a nostalgic, a fetishist, or just an admirer of LeRoy Neiman’s lively, vivid brush strokes, there’s a lot to love about Femlin ($49.95, Powell’s City of Books) , a new collection of his drawings of Playboy ’s spunky 12-inch mascot. Neiman’s a master of erotic cartooning, and Femlin collects some of his best.

85 Bards Do It, Bees Do It

We all know Shakespeare was a dirty old man—“the beast with two backs” and all that—but we had no idea he was this filthy. Pauline Kiernan’s Filthy Shakespeare: Shakespeare’s Most Outrageous Sexual Puns ($19.99, Powell’s City of Books) dissects some of his bawdier passages and gives a few surefire pick-up lines to use at the next English department soiree: “It would cost you a groaning to take off mine edge.”

86 Bikes Are the New Harleys

Fifteen years ago, a man on a bike was probably either a fanatic or a wino. Now, he’s just a sexy beast. These silk-screened briefs from Little Lark ($10, Lark Press, 3901 N Williams St., 546-9930) , emblazoned with “RIDE” on the front and a retro cruiser on the rear, complete your smokin’ ensemble of jeans with rolled cuffs, messenger bag and tiny cap. Oh, yeah.

87 Remedial Sex Ed

Had a long dry spell? Brush up on the basics (and some advanced theory) with Sex Smarts flash cards ($16.95, Borders Books&Music) . From vocabulary to anatomy to random trivia, this modest box is packed with forbidden knowledge. For the very adventurous, rules for “group play” are included. Nudge, nudge.

88 Busted

You can learn a lot about people from their taste in dirty pictures, and especially so for niche porn. Stacked Decks: The Art and History of Erotic Playing Cards ($24.95, Powell’s Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) dives into the backroom poker games of ages past, from 1890s tobacco cards through 1950s pinups and 1970s hardcore decks, all from the collection of Mark Lee Rotenberg. The lesson learned? Dudes are weird.

Gimme More

Oh Baby!

Do Me ($18.95, Powell’s Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) , a collection of sex writing from Portland publisher Tin House, should be a good read despite its slightly ambiguous title.

Scratch It All Night Long:

Sex Scratchers: 100 Sexy Lottery Tickets to Scratch and Win! by Lynne Stanton ($8.95, Funny Bone, 617 SW Washington St., 241-0455) finally combines two of your favorite activities—sex and winning money (you will not actually win any money).

Going Solo:

With everything from vibrating nipple clamps to tweezer nipple clamps, Getting Off: A Woman’s Guide to Masturbation by Jamye Waxman ($15.95, In Other Words, 8 NE Killingsworth St., 232-6003) has almost every technique, toy and borderline-illegal device for having a good time below—and above—the belt.