[February 6th, 2008]

Meth fiends and other undesirables have been scouring the country for metal to steal and sell for scrap for years, but recent events suggest Oregon’s addicts may have reached an all-time high: hacking apart irreplaceable works of art for what boils down to pennies in their pockets. In December, a couple carted off two bronze statues from the late Portland art lover Jean Vollum’s estate. Less than a month later, the bronze figures of Sacagawea and her child were heisted from Fort Clatsop National Memorial Park near Astoria. In both cases, the remains of the works of art turned up at Oregon scrap-metal yards.

We’ll point out an obvious opportunity to desperate—but not so bright—thieves.

There’s a monumental treasure just waiting for your hacksaw, and it’s been right under your nose all this time: Portlandia. Grab your wheelbarrow, because a mother lode in copper can be yours. You’ll get at least a whole dollar a pound from the scrap yard!

Portlandia, our city’s graceful lady, is the country’s second-largest copper sculpture, weighing in at 13,000 pounds behind the mammoth 450,000-pound Statue of Liberty.

“The trident alone weighs about a thousand pounds,” says Raymond Kaskey, the sculptor who worked for almost three years to build the 36-foot-tall lady back in 1985. Kaskey recalled that it took two tries to put the giant pitchfork in place using chain hoists and an overhead crane.

Brian Schmautz, Portland Police public information officer, says that metal thieves are becoming more creative. “Crooks are always thinking of other ways to rip things off,” he says. “Anything that is metal is likely to be stolen.” The likelihood that Portlandia might be so mutilated? “It would take a hell of a lot of effort,” Kaskey says.

And if they did, would he be able to replace her? “I would never attempt something like that now. I’m just too old—it would probably kill me. It practically did the first time. I’d probably get tendonitis, tennis elbow, carpal tunnel or all three,” says the 64-year-old sculptor.

Let’s hope the blowtorches stay at home.

WEDNESDAY FEB. 6

[MUSIC] JAKE SHIMABUKURO, MARCUS EATON

Have you ever seen that YouTube video where a seemingly normal dude rocks an amazingly spot-on cover of the Beatles’ “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” on a ukulele? That’s Jake Shimabukuro. Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 233-1994. 8 pm. $16.50. All Ages.

THURSDAY FEB. 7

[MUSIC] THE COUP, DEBASER, MIC CRENSHAW, LIVING PROOF

Though the Roots get all the acclaim, Oakland’s the Coup deserve the title of hip-hop’s best live group. Berbati’s Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 226-2122. 9 pm. $15. 21+.

[SCREEN] PORTLAND INTERNATIONAL FILM FESTIVAL

The International House of Movies is open for business, starting with a tall stack of Israeli deadpan humor, The Band’s Visit, with plenty of hobnobbing on the side at the afterparty. Newmark Theatre, Portland Center for the Performing Arts, 1111 SW Broadway. 7:30 pm. $30.

FRIDAY FEB. 8

[TRUCKS] MONSTER JAM

Why do men in mesh hats love monster trucks? ’Cuz they’re not fuckin’ pussies, and they know Monster Jam is going to feature more crunched Chevys than last weekend’s DUI rampage. Rose Garden, 1401 N Wheeler Ave. 7:30 pm Friday and Saturday, 2 pm Sunday. All ages. $18-$25.

[BIKES] NORTH AMERICAN HANDMADE BICYCLE SHOW

The two-wheeled world convenes in America’s most bike-friendly city. Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 235-7575. 9:30 am-6 pm Friday, 10 am-6:30 pm Saturday, 9:30 am-5 pm Sunday Feb. 8-10. All ages. $18 door. See story, page 18.

MONDAY FEB. 11

[Music] Super Furry Animals, Holy Fuck

Welsh poppers Super Furry Animals return to town, complete with a collection of incredibly catchy songs, animal costumes, space helmets and techno breakdown-spazz. With electro-pranksters Holy Fuck opening, this is gonna be one awesomely weird night. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $15. 21+.

TUESDAY FEB. 12

[WORDS] MICHAEL POLLAN

You are what you...read. The man behind The Omnivore’s Dilemma and, more recently, In Defense of Food jaws about the politics of grub. Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-9234. 7 pm. $21.95, includes a copy of In Defense of Food. All ages.