Our Retirement Plan? Lotto.

[February 13th, 2008]

Winners

1Petty criminals should soon enjoy better conditions in Multnomah County jails now that Sheriff Bernie Giusto has announced he’s retiring by year’s end. True, better oversight may mean less inmate sex—but it could also mean longer life expectancies. (For more, see Murmurs, page 14.)

2 Attention, job seekers: There’s an opening in the 5th Congressional District, after U.S. Rep. Darlene Hooley (D-Ore.) said she, too, is retiring. The swingin’ seat gives ambitious pols from both parties heart palpitations—Republicans have a voter-registration edge, and Bush-bashing Dems think this is their year to sweep.

3 The Mark Spitz of leatherback turtles swam nearly 13,000 miles to Oregon from Indonesia with a satellite transmitter stuck to its back, setting an unverifiable distance record for marine vertebrates. The World Anti-Doping Agency is sure to investigate.

4 House party at Randal Acker’s ! TriMet has changed its mind about buying and demolishing a 1,600-square-foot Victorian spread near Portland State University, which Acker uses as his law office. (See “House Divided,” WW , Dec. 5, 2007, and wweek.com for more.)

Losers

1 Mayor Tom Potter will finally bestow honorary Portland citizenship on late-night TV host and alleged Scotsman Craig Ferguson (maybe he can do the honor when Ferguson appears at the Aladdin March 7). Last summer, Portland proved itself more humorless than hundreds of cities that granted Ferguson’s tongue-in-cheek request. It took Potter several months to get the joke. For Portland’s sake, be glad that Ali G never heard about VisionPDX.

2 The City Council has decided to put Commissioner Sam Adams’ $464 million transportation tax package on the November ballot, an outcome that mayoral contender Adams tried hard to prevent (see “Rogue of the Week,” WW , Feb. 6, 2008).

3Portland Public Schools officials gave students a real-life lesson in the futility of bullying last week when they ditched efforts to slash custodians’ salaries. Before abandoning its plan, PPS spent tens of thousands on outside legal advisers. (Another important lesson, kids: The lawyers get paid no matter who wins.)

4Pet projects, political pork and the poor all lost some hope last week when state economists released a quarterly forecast that projects $170 million less revenue for the coming year, including a $25 million drop in lottery income. Want to do the Legislature a favor? Play Keno.