[March 12th, 2008]

As yet another March 17 rolls around, the news is already out that the brewers of Guinness are attempting to make St. Patrick’s Day an official U.S. federal holiday. Then again, it’s not like Americans need approval from their government to revel in a day that practically mandates drinking beer to the point of complete annihilation. Most of us probably can’t say why St. Patrick’s Day even exists, but we sure do love beer.

I, like any self-respecting Portlander, agree, but I’ve discovered that while guzzling Guinness might give you the luck of the Irish, it will definitely give you a horrifying hangover and a beer gut (and, come on, have the Irish, other than Bono, really been so lucky?).

Enter nonalcoholic (NA) beer. Just like regular beer, the NAs (commonly called “near-beer” or “malted beverage”) are brewed using malted grain and hops; however, at the end of the brewing process, either evaporation or filtering methods are used to reduce the alcohol content. Note that word “reduce.” With 0.5 percent or less, the NAs actually contain a small amount of alcohol—I was carded at New Seasons, twice, even though NAs have less alcohol in them than cough syrup or mouthwash. The low alcohol content may make them helpful for those who wish to drink a little less, but people who are officially off the sauce completely should skip it.

Regardless, cutting the alcohol also means cutting calories, thus, with three months to pale-bodies-in-bikinis season, mixing it up with some less-than-one during your St. Paddy’s partying might not be a bad idea (check out our list of St. Paddy’s Day events on page 37).

Although I couldn’t find a single Oregon craft brewer who makes NA beer, don’t think you’re limited to the classic O’Doul’s in the green bottle here in Portland. After consulting my beer-saturated fiancé, Chris Sachse, and my good friend Merriah Fairchild, who worked at a bar with me in Ireland, this is what we discovered, from best to worst, in the pot of fool’s gold at the end of the NA rainbow.

»Best —Busch NA
What makes Busch NA ($3.99 for a six-pack of 12-ounce cans, 60 calories) so special is the fact it tastes like beer-flavored Kool-Aid…which is exactly what regular Busch tastes like. As soon as you crack the can, you get the faint scent of sulfur—reminiscent of hard-boiled eggs—but it actually tastes pretty good once it hits your lips. With a generic American-lager flavor and minimal bitterness, it also maintains a convincing aftertaste—an extra point that clinches its first-place position. Just on the beer side of water, it’s perfect for pounding on hot summer afternoons with no fear of a punishing headache. Available at Safeway, 5920 NE Martin Luther King Blvd., 284-5958, and other locations.

»Next Best —Buckler
Brewed by the good folks at Heineken, Buckler ($6.79 for a six-pack of 12-ounce bottles, 75 calories) smells and starts out tasting like a true Miller Lite with an appropriate, mild hoppiness, but then loses its verisimilitude in the aftertaste, relegating it to second place. However, despite this minor flaw and a slightly disconcerting frothiness, it’s pretty darn beerlike. “I wouldn’t be able to tell the difference after two or three real beers,” says Chris. Buckler may be a little pricier than the rest, but it’s worth it. Available at Daily Grill at the Westin, 750 SW Alder St., 224-5061. Salvador Molly’s, 1523 SW Sunset Blvd., 293-1790. New Seasons Market Concordia, 5320 NE 33rd Ave., 288-3838, and other locations. Beaumont Market, 4130 NE Fremont St., 284-3032.

»Middle Best —Clausthaler
I found it on the verge of mind-blowing that the Laurelhurst Theater’s beer-and-pizza counter would have an NA, but it does—German import Clausthaler ($3 for a 12-ounce bottle, 92 calories)—and it’s actually pretty good, even if it doesn’t exactly taste like beer. With the odor of molasses cookies soaking in apple juice, it tastes like a less sweet, slightly more bitter version of Martinelli’s sparkling apple cider. Merriah and I both wished it were more carbonated, but we had no problem drinking it. It would be perfect if they could just add beer. Available at Laurelhurst Theater, 2735 E Burnside St., 232-5511. Acapulco’s Southwest Gold, 7800 SW Capitol Highway, 244-0771. The Country Cat, 7937 SE Stark St., 408-1414. Wild Oats Natural Marketplace, 3535 NE 15th Ave., 288-3414, and other locations.

»Not Very Best —Kaliber
Sorry, Ireland, but Kaliber ($4 for 12 ounce bottle, 71 calories), from the makers of Guinness, is not a “meal in a glass” for me. Not only does it not look anything like a stout, it has a peculiar, vaguely sweet taste, like brown sugar gone bad. It’s as if someone took the wort (the liquid extracted from mashed barley before the yeast and hops are added) and added Calistoga mineral water. Kaliber isn’t awful, but I don’t really want another one. Available at Kells Irish Restaurant & Pub, 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. The Heathman Hotel, 1001 SW Broadway, 241-4100. Pastini Pastaria, 1506 NW 23rd Ave., 595-1205, and other locations. Fred Meyer, 3030 NE Weidler St., 280-1315, and other locations.

»Worst—Beck’s
“That’s just wrong,” was Merriah’s immediate response. With more of a head than the other NAs but seriously lacking in carbonation, the Beck’s ($3 for a 12-ounce bottle, 90 calories) has a strange, metallic taste that took us a few minutes to pinpoint—fermented V8. Chris says you have to appreciate Beck’s beer in the first place in order to appreciate Beck’s NA, but I’d rather my malted beverage didn’t make me feel like I had just licked the inside of a tin can of rotting tomato juice. Available at Veritable Quandary, 1220 SW 1st Ave., 227-7342. Kennedy School, 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. Bagdad Theater & Pub, 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-9234. Sapphire Hotel, 5008 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-6333.

»And, finally, if Bowser needs a brewski—Happy Tail Ale
If there’s anything that Portlanders love even more than their beer, it’s their dogs—but now you and your dog can love beer together! Most dogs enjoy the taste of beer, but the alcohol, even in small amounts, can be toxic. Happy Tail, brewed by California’s Dog Star Brewing Co. (beerfordogs.com), is an official NA for dogs, made with malted barley and filtered water and fortified with glucosamine, vitamin E and an ingredient sadly lacking in human beer—natural beef flavor. And if Lassie needs more liquor, you can also mail-order the sauce from New York’s Doggie Brew (doggiebrew.com). It offers Wet Snout Stout (beef), Dogger Lager (chicken) and Waggley Tail Pail Ale (vegetable) ($5.99 per 12-ounce bottle).

St. Patrick’s Day

Planner

thursday, March 13

saturday, March 15

McMenamins Edgefield: Freak Mountain Ramblers, David Dodson, Midnight Serenaders, and others. 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale, 669-8610. 3 pm-close. Free. All ages.

sunday, March 16

Kells: Josh Gracin. Viewing of a replica of the Clonmacnoise Celtic Cross. 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. 8 am-close. Free until 5 pm, $15 after. All ages until 5 pm.

McMenamins Edgefield: Needfire, the Old Yellers, X-Angels, and others. 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale, 669-8610. 3 pm-close. Free. All ages.

Waterfront Park: 30th annual Shamrock Run. ontherunevents.com/shamrock. 8 am. Prices vary.

saturday, March 17

Midnight Serenaders, Chickweed, Floods. 1036 NE Alberta St., 284-7665. 7 pm. $8. 21+.

Ash Street Saloon: Nodding Tree Remedies, the Fenbi International Superstars, Ingredients the Band. 225 SW Ash St., 226-0430. 7 pm. $5. 21+.

Biddy McGraw’s: St. James Gate, Felim Egan, Circled by Hounds, Timothy Hull, Danny O’Hanlon & Brendan Fitzgerald, Bob Soper and the Texecutioners. 6000 NE Glisan St., 233-1178. Noon-close. Free. 21+.

Crystal Ballroom: K.M.R.I.A., My Life in Black and White. 1332 W Burnside St., 225-0047. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

Dublin Pub: Darby O’Gill, Brothers Dunn, Doug Verigin, An Daire Dancers, Keegan Smith. 6821 SW Beaverton-Hillsdale Highway, 297-2889, dublinpubpdx.com. 3 pm-close. $5. 21+.

Kells: Irish music, dancers and local artisans. 112 SW 2nd Ave., 227-4057. 7 am-close. $20. 21+.

Kennedy School: Freak Mountain Ramblers, Hanz Araki and David Cory. Also, Irish dancers and bagpipers. 5736 NE 33rd Ave., 249-3983. All day, music starts at 4:30 pm. Free. All ages.

McMenamins Edgefield: The Strange Tones, The Old Yellers, the Quick and Easy Boys, Jackstraw, and others. Seamus MacDuff Golf Tournament. 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale, 669-8610. 3 pm-close. Free, $35 for golf tournament. All ages.

Oregon Zoo: The zoo’s polar bears and sea otters will receive shamrock-themed treats, and Dr. David Shepherdson will discuss the plight of bears in the Arctic. 4001 SW Canyon Road, 226-1561. 9:45-11:15 am. Free with admission. All ages.