Pre-Processed News for the Busy Modern Reader™

[April 27th, 2005] WINNERS

Chalk one up for The Man ! Spurning a challenge from defense attorneys (some sort of "Constitution" mumbo-jumbo), a judge ruled that cops can continue banning druggies and dealers from Portland's two "drug-free zones." Anyone arrested (not convicted, mind you) for drug crimes in Old Town or around Beech Street still faces exile. Who needs trials, anyway?

The City of Portland scored a big name in the PGE sweepstakes last week. Gov. Ted Kulongoski said a still-evolving state effort would not compete with the city's more fully developed bid. The guv's call didn't deter an effort by Democratic senators to push their own bill-but that plan is hexed in the GOP-led House.

Nothing says "We have shady information and would love to keep it secret" quite like slapping a $151,000 price tag on public documents. Seven years after getting that outrageous tab from Oregon Health & Science University, the group In Defense of Animals convinced the Oregon Court of Appeals that the school's charge for info on its infamous primate-research lab was ridiculous.

LOSERS

Weep, o ye citizens of Methtropolis (a.k.a. Multnomah County). Much as Multnomahans bitch about paying the county's temporary income tax, two economists theorized that we're paying more for the local methamphetamine epidemic. The wonks say we can thank our local tweakers for a hidden "meth tax" of $363 a head.

Oldies fans cried into their Geritol at the demise of KISN-FM, long a bastion of antique pop. The station's owners gave it a one-way ticket to AM-ville, replacing it with something called "Charlie" at 97.1. God, first Dylan goes electric-now this!

Caveat emptor, sickies-if Dr. Jayant M. Patel could practice medicine in Oregon, so can anyone with a stethoscope and an episode of Scrubs on DVD. The former Kaiser Permanente surgeon has an Oregon track record marred by "gross or repeated acts of negligence," including one colostomy performed backwards. Somehow, Patel, whose licensed has since been revoked, managed to get work here despite a three-week suspension in New York and his charming nickname in Australia, where he also "practices." Dr. Death will see you now....