FANTASTIC SNORE

[July 13th, 2005] Based on the popular Marvel Comics series that helped usher in a new era of costumed superheroics five decades ago, Fantastic Four had the potential to be the best comic-book-turned-movie to make it to the big screen. Created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby, the four-Mr. Fantastic, the Invisible Girl, the Human Torch and the Thing-like Spider-man, were part of a new breed of heroes: super-powered beings with very real human flaws. And over the years, the mythology of the Fantastic Four has spanned the spectrum of heroism and tragedy, as the cosmic quartet saved the universe countless times, while also touching on issues like anti-Semitism and miscarriage.

With so much history and character depth to draw from, the most fantastic thing about Fantastic Four is how much of a miserable failure the movie is. The story follows four adventurers, including Jessica Alba as Sue Storm, a scientist (stop laughing) who will become the Invisible Girl, and The Shield's Michael Chiklis as Ben Grimm, the poor sap destined to become the living rock known as the Thing. During an ill-conceived mission on a privately owned space station, Sue and Ben, along with Reed Richards (Ioan Gruffudd), Johnny Storm (Chris Evans) and Victor Von Doom (Julian McMahon) are bombarded by cosmic radiation that endows them with super powers. After a contrived bit of action-one of the only kinetic moments in the film's first 80 minutes-Reed, Ben, Sue and Johnny kinda/sorta become superheroes. Meanwhile, the megalomaniac Victor decides to become evil, for no reason other than he wants to get into Sue's panties.

There is not one scene or premise in this stunning example of ineptitude that doesn't have something either fundamentally or technically wrong with it. The film attempts to take a humorous approach-not the worst idea, considering how effectively the same treatment worked with The Incredibles. But with Fantastic Four, story takes a backseat to a never-ending barrage of dumb jokes and labored gags that fall flat more often than not. The dialogue is painful to endure as insipid words fall out of characters' mouths like Jeff Goldblum's decaying teeth in The Fly. And let's not go near the special effects, which are neither special nor effective.

The Incredibles, Pixar's animated superhero tale, has been accused of being a Fantastic Four rip-off. And while the comic book clearly inspired The Incredibles, steering it toward being one of the best films of last year, it was totally disregarded when the Fantastic Four itself made the transition to screen. Interestingly, in 1994 B-movie producer Roger Corman made an ultra-cheap FF movie that was never officially released. Directed by Oley Sassone, and made for a budget that was literally about 1 percent of this new version, that movie sucked as well. And yet it was still better than this Fantastic Four.