THE $620,000 SOLUTION

[August 31st, 2005] When The Nose heard about the 620 large that Portland's school district must shell out to make former HR chief Steve Goldschmidt go away, he was tempted to change jobs.

If all it takes to score a six-figure windfall is the ability to demoralize teachers and alienate your boss, the Nose is your man. He spent the first half of his life doing the former, and now devotes all his time to the latter.

But then, Schnozzle took a step back from naked self-interest and looked at the bigger picture. The common good, if you will. In other words, if the Nose had $620,000, how would he spend it to make this a better place?.

For $50,000, we could hire a stunt double for the governor, so Teddy K doesn't have to spend so much time on the Iraq funeral circuit. Who knows? A little more time in Salem, and the guy might actually have a record to run on next year.

Thirty thousand dollars would go toward buying one-way Greyhound tickets to Texas for downtown's army of overly earnest canvassers, dubious solicitors and Hare Krishna zombies. Now, really. Is a stroll down to Good Dog/Bad Dog for a Smokey really the time to get assaulted by a plea to save a Third World child, buy some incense from Vishnu or be asked 14 times within two blocks if you are registered in Multnomah County? Sure, it's hot in Houston. But it's a humid, miserable heat.

One hundred grand would go toward the purchase of about 2,000 pairs of high-rise jeans, enough to cover the approximate number of those "ass antler" tattoos adorning the haggard lower backs of too many Portland women.

Seventy-nine bucks would buy Nike a punching bag. The shoe giant could then stop working out its aggressions on Beaverton Mayor Rob Drake.

Twenty thousand could be used as an incentive bonus to persuade Brian Wheeler to consider a career change. The Nose is already dreading the arrival of basketball season and the shriek of Wheeler on the radio: "BOOM-CHAK-A-LACKA! D-MILES WITH THE DUNK! OOOOOOOH, THAT WAS NASTY!" Then it turns out the score is 4-2.

Two hundred grand ought to be enough to buy a year's supply of bread for all the trendy restaurants that have started charging extra for the stuff lately. You know who you are.

The last time the Nose priced it out, $210,000 would be enough to install public showers, soap dispensers and cologne misters at all downtown MAX and TriMet bus stops.

And for $1,000 in dynamite, we could get rid of those scary "baby face" sculptures outside of PGE Park.

See? Look at all we've accomplished! And that still leaves enough pocket change to buy home broadband for all the wi-fi users taking up table space at the Nose's favorite coffee shop.

Then again, maybe Herr Nozztril should stick to the original one-man, one-payoff concept: For a paltry sum of $620,000, he'd be willing to disappear from WW's pages forever. Any takers?