Stuff-That-Stocking Six!

[December 7th, 2005] Now's the time I unload all the excess baggage I've been carrying around this year. I'm not talking about my emotional baggage. I'm way too superficial for that. No, I'm talking about all the cool things I've been squirreling away in my secret closet for "Queer Window's Sixth Annual Yuletide Gift Guide."

Yes, Virginia, it's time for Gay St. Nick to pop down your chimney again.

So instead of racing to K-Mart to load up on pet toys and stuff them down my favorite drag queens' torn stockings, I've done my best to hole away the sort of stuff I would want to see under my holiday tree. Although most of this stuff isn't very PC (do you really expect that from me?), I can assure you it's better than the other horrifying homo-ified "gifts" you might get from well-intentioned straight friends and family (read: stop giving us box sets of Will & Grace already!)

^BOOKS-4-HIM

Tab Hunter Confidential ($24.95, Algonquin) and Center Square: The Paul Lynde Story ($15.95, Alyson) tell you way more than you need to know about two closeted Hollywood queens. Locker Room Nudes: Dieux du Stade—The French National Rugby Team ($50, Universe), White Boys, Legends: Men of Falcon ($29.95 each), Rear View 2 and Intimate Strangers ($36.95, all Bruno Gmunder) are nothing more than pretty pictures of naked men, but man... oh, man, what pictures. Speaking of pics of hot dicks, John F. Kennedy Jr.: A Life In Pictures ($39.95, Powerhouse) has more jack-off material in it than a Jeff Stryker flick.

^BOOKS-4-HER

Lesbian Pulp Fiction ($18.95, Cleis) is a nice way of getting your lady to warm up to the idea of the Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians ($16.95, Cleis). And The Straight Girl's Guide to Sleeping With Chicks ($12, Fireside) is perfect for any bi-curious college cheerleading party, as is Sex Parties 101 ($15.95, Alyson), which includes a entire section on bondage for beginners. Despite having too many colons in its title, Wild Girls: Paris, Sappho, and Art: The Lives and Loves of Natalie Barney and Romaine Brooks ($29.95, St. Martin's) is a romp through midcentury continental lesbian life. Who knew?

^DVDs

Two words: Golden Girls. Forget buying that expensive Carrie Bradshaw box set. Just give your guy a season of Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia. Doesn't matter what season, although Season 2 ($49.99) with the lesbian episode is really hot. Pair it with a copy of The Divine Bette Midler ($19.98) or Barbra Streisand: The Television Specials ($59.98) and watch an aging gay man's head explode with delight.

^STUFF

A spanky-new store called Hello Portland (525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771) carries loads of cool Blue Q stuff, including the total Bitch Bag ($19.50—and it comes with a free lip gloss too!). And Spartacus Leathers (300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604) has everything from a head harness with blindfold and gag ($87.75) to fancy, bejeweled butt plugs that start at $67.95 and go to $112.95 for the big mother that's 4 inches in length. Now that's what I call a Merry Christmas!