The Weekly Kitz Watch

[December 28th, 2005] If your family is anything like ours, there's only one way to while away the hours this holiday season (besides forcing infants to listen to Cannibal Corpse on headphones, cranked up, and practicing with your new Ruger Vaquero .45):

Wait, breathlessly, for John Kitzhaber, Oregon's ex-governor, to decide whether he wants to be Oregon's next governor, too.

Recent poll numbers show incumbent Ted Kulongoski is vulnerable (see Winners & Losers, page 7). Meanwhile, Kitz won't rule out a run against his fellow Democrat. But Kitzhaber's dour, standoff-ish second term makes you wonder why he thinks he's the state's savior.

The ever-self-assured Kitzhaber is delaying a decision—or at least waiting to let us mere mortals know—until after the New Year. We figure the delay must be because Kitzhaber has other job offers. So if the former guv isn't going to ride to Oregon's rescue, what else is he thinking about? Could it be...

New lead singer, U2? Rumors within the Irish supergroup's camp suggest that bassist...um...well, there is a bassist, and rumor has it he's none too satisfied with messianic lead singer Bono, notwithstanding Bono sharing Time magazine's Person of the Year award. Would Kitzhaber don the Christlike wonder's ever-present sunglasses and set out to save every last one of Africa's starving children? Or...

Point guard, Portland Trail Blazers? If a lack of veteran leadership is really the issue, why not make a run at this coveted, well-paying position? Or...

Culinary director, Shari's Restaurants? The ex-doctor could help scour the arteries of thousands if given a chance to rewrite this ubiquitous chain's menu. Or maybe...

CHIERS van driver? Given his inexplicable desire to spend another four years babysitting the Legislature, piloting Portland's drunk-'n'-disorderly wagon might be a step up. Look for him in Old Town, rolling slow. Unless, that is, he's gunning for...

Your Mom? Kitzhaber has taken note of the internal dissension that followed your mother's failure to take leadership on your dad's gambling problem. He knows the party faithful were displeased by her decision to substitute a crown roast for the traditional T-Giving turkey. And deep down, he feels that he, not she, really knows what's best for you.

In next week's Kitz watch...well, maybe he'll spare us one with an actual announcement.