Grabbin' Ass

[April 26th, 2006] According to Wikipedia, a wedgie is "inflicted when someone grabs the victim's underwear and pulls them between the buttocks, causing pain and humiliation." Derivations include the "atomic wedgie" (over your head), "messy wedgie" (too gross to explain) or the "melvin" (a front wedgie). Wedgies are the bane of most queer boys' preteen existence, the equivalent of dodgeball or having to kiss a girl square on the mouth.

So why would any queer guy pay money to watch hapless contestants rip them off?

Talk to Jason Sutherland. A year and a half-ago, this 32-year-old film production designer became the president of Ginch Gonch. Sutherland sees it as his—and his Vancouver, B.C.-based underwear company's—mission to wedge some adolescent fun into the "privates" world.

Even though I don't wear drawers, I've been obsessed with this company since its inception. And why not? Ginch Gonch (that's Canuck slang for panties) puts out brightly colored shorts with provocative names like "Wiener Eater" and "Ass Licker." Which brings us back to the subject of Sutherland's silly-ass wedgie "contest."

During a recent trip to Russia, Sutherland says he gave some poor Spanish schmuck—who poo-pooed Ginch Gonch as inferior to a certain designer-named underwear—his own version of an atomic wedgie. Making sure he captured the interaction on tape, the "Ginch Gonch Wedgie Contest" was born. For the past few weeks (the contest wraps up April 30), willing wedgie-givers and -getters have submitted equally upsetting/humorous images of getting ripped up the backside in the hopes of winning $5,000 (the winner will be determined by online voters).

"It's supposed to be fun," says Sutherland. "We don't want anyone to get hurt." In fact, GG's disclaimer states it doesn't want entries that "create a risk of...emotional distress, death, disability, disfigurement, or physical or mental illness."

Which, if you ask gay boys, is pretty much what you get when you get a wedgie. That, and sometimes, a woody. Yes, you see, humiliation and homo-eroticism go hand in hand. And after trying out some Ginch Gonch undies, I wore the same pair for two days in a row—I'm rethinking the whole commando thing.

That's why, queer friends, we must reclaim wedgies. Just like the word "queer," which was used to keep us down and in our place until we took it back as our own, the once scary "wedgie" word can be transformed into good-natured fun between consenting adults. Sort of like sex.

Now I don't know if that sort of "interaction" is what Sutherland—who wore Superman Underoos as a kid—intended with his contest, but it sure sounds like fun.

So, go ahead. Make an ass of yourself. Everybody's watching.