July 23rd, 2008
When I step into the obese old woman's apartment3 comments
July 16th, 2008
The obese old woman at Fred Meyer has a bad hip and a wheelchair...8 comments
July 9th, 2008
“...I need to take a shower first and wash all of this blood off.”6 comments
July 2nd, 2008
“So I’ve got these two women in the back of my cab who just refuse to get out...”8 comments
June 25th, 2008
“My friend’s getting divorced, and he’s really drunk,” says the bartender...8 comments
June 18th, 2008
There’s nothing like a good Friday night, and I’m referring to the money.3 comments
June 11th, 2008
The old man in the karaoke bar’s parking lot insists that he doesn’t need any help...0 comments
June 4th, 2008
“What’re you up to?” asks my dispatcher.6 comments
May 28th, 2008
The middle-aged guy is working on an oil ship...3 comments
May 21st, 2008
“How you doing tonight, man?”3 comments
[June 28th, 2006] "We're the drunk guys at the end of the night," one of them says. "Perhaps you've had us before.""
"As opposed to the drunk guys at the beginning of the night, or the middle of the night," I reply.
"Well, of course I like to think we're unique," he says. "You may be," I reply, "but, like snowflakes, you all share certain common properties."
He decides to tell me a joke. "There's this penguin, his car has broken down, so he takes it to the local repair place, which is run by a walrus. While he waits, he goes to get a vanilla ice-cream cone. Of course he has flippers, not hands, and he sort of struggles with the cone, and ends up smearing a lot of it all over his little penguin face. He gets back to the mechanic's place and the walrus says, 'Looks like you blew a seal,' and the penguin says, 'No, just trying to eat an ice cream cone.'"
I laugh hysterically despite myself. "Ye gods, that's terrible."
They spend the rest of the ride boisterously singing the songs of the Portland Timbers' Army, of which they are among the most enthusiastic of members. "F, F-U-C, F-U-C-K, Fuck YOU!" is a favorite. "That one always goes down well at the youth league games," they explain. The other songs suffer from a lack of directness, compared with that one, although they all share certain common properties, such as volume, lack of discernible pitch, and great good cheer. More power to them.
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