Sacred & Profane

[November 22nd, 2006]

Cookin' Up Salvation

Lordy, do I love me some pancakes! But you know what would make my morning stack of flapjacks even better? Some holy spirit! Well, sacred eatin' isn't just for churches anymore. Get yourself two Jesus Pans ($29.99, jesuspan.com). With His Holy Image molded right into their durable, nonstick cooking surfaces, you can eat of his body at breakfast, lunch and dinner. Pork chops, crepes, sandwiches—everything tastes better when Jesus is in the kitchen.

These Needles Will Hurt You

Our heroically patient receptionist at WW central has had a delightful little "Thanks for Sharing" sampler on her desk for a while now, but we always assumed it was one-of-a-kind. Turns out there is a huge variety of Subversive Cross-Stitch ($14.95, Urban Outfitters, 2320 NW Westover Road, 248-0020) patterns, from the merely grouchy ("Bite me") to the truly terrifying ("Don't make me cut you"). Also available: subversive stitches on everything from calendars to matchbooks.

I Saw Mommy Screwing Santa Claus

The holidays are hard work, and that leaves us all a little tightly wound. Work the stress out with the Naughty, Naughty Christmas Kit ($14.95, Barnes & Noble, 10206 SW Washington Square Road, 598-9455, and other locations), packed with seasonally themed playthings. Put on the fuzzy cap, hang the mistletoe, break out the red fuzzy handcuffs and peppermint massage oil and go to town.

Pretty in Pink?

Problem: Your girlfriend's a raver, and you're concerned that any attempts to make the carpet match her hot-pink drapes will cause unpleasant scarring. Solution: Fun Betty hair dye ($20, Blush Beauty Bar, 513 NW 23rd Ave., 227-3390), specially formulated for "the hair down there." Buy multiple packages to encourage creative dyeing—tiger stripes, chevrons, a mod target, etc. The possibilities are endless!

Eleven Letters, Ends With"-ingus"

People keep telling us that the brain is the most important erogenous zone, but no one seems to be making porn for the frontal lobes. Nerve.com comes to the rescue with Naughty Crosswords ($12.95, Balloons On Broadway, 617 SW Washington St., 241-3336), a collection of 115 brain teasers with a torrid twist: "17 across: Fuck with abandon?"

You Should Cum with a Warning Label

People are dense. How often have you been in the middle of a lousy day only to have some idiot coworker or kid come on over and pile on some more misery? Keep 'em at bay with You Say I'm a Bitch Like It's a Bad Thing and That's Queen Bitch to You ($12.95, Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 288-4651), two compilations of antipathetic affirmations paired with cheery illustrations from the golden age of pulp, handsomely spiral-bound with a stand for display on your desk or kitchen counter.

'Tis the Season to be Grouchy

OK, so you're over the whole baby Jesus thing. Let everyone else know with handmade greeting cards from Chicago-based 16 Sparrows ($20 for eight cards and envelopes, 16sparrows.com). Maybe your worthless relatives will finally get the picture when you send a "Happy Fucking Holidays" card instead of the newsletter this year, or "Thanks a Fucking Bunch" for the new spatula set.

Jesus Is the Reason

You know what's wrong with your mom's crèche scene? It doesn't have enough ACTION! Fix that problem permanently with the Deluxe Jesus Action Figure ($11.99, Music Millennium, 801 NW 23rd Ave. 248-0163, and other locations). This Jesus has glow-in-the-dark hands and comes complete with loaves and fishes and a miraculous water/wine jug. That's twice the salvation power of a standard Jesus action figure! And you know the handsome molded plastic will look just spiffy on the mantelpiece.

Stick It In There!

For the guy with a penchant for putting his dick where it doesn't belong, we have the perfect reminder: Christopher Behrens' Penis Pokey ($9.95, Greg's, 3707 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 235-1257) is like one of those Victorian cards with holes for fingers to complete a pornographic scene—except there's only one hole, and you use your porker to fill in the alien's nose or the hot dog. It's like a toddler book for regressive adults!

What's on your playlist?

Think you've got all the iPod accessories you'll ever need? Think again. Get really rockin' to your favorite tunes with Suki LLC's OhMiBod vibrator ($69.95, Fascinations, 305 NW 21st Ave., 224-4765, and other locations), a five-and-a-half-inch vibrator that plugs into any headphone jack and turns digital-audio beats into pulses of pleasure, so you can feel the music like never before. It even comes with a line splitter so you can hear and howl at the same time. Rock on!

^GIMME MORE

The Breath of Jesus, Given to You

Agnostics have bad breath—they can't decide between Altoids or Certs. Believe in God breath spray ($5, blueq.com) lets you inhale the pepperminty breath of the lord.

To Life

Be a good goy this year and help a Jew trick out his or her keyboard with Chosen Keyboard stickers ($5, blueq.com). Turn Return into "mazel tov" and Delete to "oy vey!"

For the Wound-up Bird

The writer Haruki Murakami knows Japanese sex like Japanese designers know dildos. The Verve ($120, Spartacus, 300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604) is an East Pacific wonder—it combines a variable-speed phallus with a clit vibe external tickler.