Stocking Stuffers (with an agenda)

[November 22nd, 2006]

Wolverines!

Are you an aging right-winger who longs for the golden days of the Cold War, when the enemy was obvious, unpredictable and potentially able to destroy the Earth? Probably not, but we bet you know someone who is. Buy him some flag-waving U.S.A. vs. Commies plastic soldiers ($3.49, Music Millennium, 3158 E Burnside St., 231-8926, and other locations) and watch the lovable old hawk enact his wildest Red Dawn-inspired fantasies on the living room floor.

Tragedy + Hot Beverages = Funny!

Who says liberals can't take a joke? We're better than anyone at laughing at things that aren't funny. Example: the Disappearing Civil Liberties Mug ($10.95, Balloons on Broadway, 617 SW Washington St., 241-3336), printed with our cherished Bill of Rights. Just pour a cup of steaming-hot joe and presto! The Patriot Act comes into effect and erases all those pesky rights as you cry into your coffee for our nation's tragic decline. Funny stuff, huh?

Snails to the Chief

You ever get the feeling that gnome in the White House is watching your every move? Yeah, so do we. That's why we're going to plant the beady-eyed, ceramic Bush Lawn Gnome ($29.95-$34.95, bushgnome.com) in our front yard, where we can watch that sum'bitch right back. Careful, though—this dwarf packs heat and a pint-sized guide to world domination.113 Anchor McDreamyNo, we don't like him, either. But Anderson Cooper's autoerotic memoir, Dispatches from the Edge ($16.95, Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651), is the perfect how-to guide for the wannabe celebrity newsman in your life. Discover how you and your loved ones can climb the ladder of self-effacing media stardom, attempt to cope with wars and plagues before millions of viewers, and eventually publish your own guilt-ridden condemnations of sensationalist reporting. Hair dye not included.

The Hot Air Comes from Somewhere

If there's one thing we've learned in this business, it's that abuse of power and privilege really reeks, and we don't mean that figuratively. That's why every Saxton-supporting wingnut should be outfitted with one of these handsome Repooplican air fresheners ($4.95, Hello, Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771), to help cover up the stench long enough to have some reasoned debate. Or just to make your next trip to Texas a little more bearable.

Explosive Executive

Still bitter about the Swift Boat Vets? Hoping to get a few laughs in before the NSA drags you off to one of the new Halliburton-built detention camps? Get that warm, fuzzy feeling with The Burning Bush Fire Starter ($12, The Jelly Bean, 721 SW 10th Ave. 222-5888), a waxy block emblazoned with the world's most hated smirk. Just stick it in your fireplace, light the wick and watch that mother burn!

Keep the Kids Busy

Here's a good one for all your friends with young children: pick up a few dozen OMSI memberships ($60-$125, OMSI, 1945 SE Water Ave., 797-4000) so they can let the kids run wild in Portland's own science wonderland as often as it takes to keep them sane. OMSI's staff is used to screaming, rampaging children, so let them deal with the brats for a while. Bonus: OMSI members get free admission to more than 200 science museums all over the world.

Pocket Art

Face it: Your black leather wallet is boring. Sure, it holds cash and cards just fine, but wouldn't you feel better about yourself with a handmade piece of art from db Clay ($28-$55, Redux, 811 E Burnside St., #110, 231-7336, Saturday Market [under the west end of the Burnside Bridge] and many other locations) in your ass pocket? The Portland-based design team has come a long way from its early days of duct-tape wallets; now their line includes silkscreened, photo-printed and vinyl wallpaper models, all made from sturdy gaffers' tape.

A Meatier Option

Looking for something a little less, y'know, classy? Grab the Deluxe Bacon Wallet ($7.49, Music Millennium, 3158 E Burnside St., 231-8926, and other locations) for a pocketful of photorealistic fun, er, meat. This durable vinyl wallet isn't actually made of strips of bacon, but it sure looks like it is. Pull one out the next time you're at Food Fight! and watch the vegans run away screaming.

Don't Touch the Stapler

Give your favorite cubicle rat the tools to fight back with The Office Space Kit ($14.95, Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651). It comes loaded with an Initech mug to carry mindlessly around the office; an "Is This Good for the Company?" banner; and a packet of TPS Report covers to turn in with every mindless assignment passed down from upper management. And when your cube friend gets fired, just remember that he didn't really want that job, anyway.

Square Eye for a Gay Guy

Every gay boy needs a little festivity in his life. Encourage the special man in your life to express himself at work with Cube Chic from Chronicle books. ($15.95, Powell's City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651). If he dreams of a safari vacation while slaving away at the switchboard, or a hip-hop hideaway from his cracker corporate job, Cube Chic will tell him everything he needs to know to transform his cubicle from boring to bumping.

^GIMME MORE

Roves of Elephants Not all people who wear ties to work and carry briefcases are Republicans. Give them a box of mints with "I'm Not a Republican" printed on the front ($3.25, Hello, Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771) to protect themselves from...asses. And for your Republican friends, there are mint boxes to be sure they're not mistaken for a "douche," "vegan" or "stalker."

Frond of Coffee? Drink a latte with a 28-frond rosette appearing through the foam. For $10 or $20, the Albina Press Gift Card (The Albina Press, 4637 N Albina Ave., 708-8971) lets folks know why a medium-roast coffee bean yields citric flavors.