Oscar For Dummies

[February 21st, 2007] So there you are at the annual Oscar party (this Sunday, Feb. 25), keeping one eye on the canapÉs and the other on the Quincy Jones troupe's interpretive dance on global warming onscreen, when you are confronted with a fetching young cinephile from across the room. Introductions are made. Flirting commences. This could be the start of a beautiful friendship. "Personally," your new love says, "I'm rooting for Babel tonight, even though I found the ending frustratingly ambiguous."

There's just one problem. You haven't seen Babel. You haven't seen any of the movies nominated by the Academy for Best Picture. You are reasonably certain that Babel has something to do with international relations and Brad Pitt crying, but that's it. Also, you think you may be drunk. This is a disaster. This is a regret beginning to happen. This is why you need WW's portable guide to this year's Oscar-nominated movies.

We've thoughtfully provided you with all the information you need to be the toast of that party: what each movie is about, how they end and what a sophisticated person might say about them.

Now, if you fail to win at the Oscars, you will have no one to blame but yourself.

^BABEL

Vegas Odds: 7/2

The Setup:

Alejandro González Iñárritu has made another one of those movies about coincidences that bring strangers together and get them shot. There are three basic stories. In one, Cate Blanchett gets wounded in Morocco by two nomad boys playing with a rifle. Brad Pitt cries. Meanwhile, Blanchett and Pitt's children get carted to Mexico by their nanny, who manages to lose them in the cacti. And in Japan, a depressed schoolgirl flashes her vagina at people.

How It Ends:

Blanchett survives, after some unpleasant rural surgery. The American kids are saved from the desert, but their nanny gets caught working illegally and is deported south of the border. One of the nomad boys is senselessly killed by Moroccan cops. The fateful rifle that started the whole mess turns out to have been purchased by the Japanese schoolgirl's dad. And the reason she's so upset is that her mother killed herself. It looks likes she's about to follow the maternal example, but instead she gets naked and hugs her father. Brad Pitt cries some more.

Potentially Sophisticated Banter:

"I believe the true communication barrier isn't language—it's our hearts."

Or: "Have you ever hugged your father naked?"

^THE DEPARTED

Vegas Odds: 3/2

The Setup:

Martin Scorsese finally helms another gangster picture. Leonardo DiCaprio is a cop working for Martin Sheen and Mark Wahlberg, but pretending to work for mob boss Jack Nicholson. Matt Damon is pretending to work with the cops, but he's really spying for Nicholson—who is, predictably, batshit crazy. DiCaprio and Damon try to uncover each other, and unknowingly sleep with the same woman. Damon can't get it up.

How It Ends:

Everybody dies. Martin Sheen gets thrown off a building by the mobsters. Nicholson gets shot in the chest by the cops. DiCaprio gets shot in the head by Damon's secret co-conspirator. Damon gets shot in the head by Wahlberg. Wahlberg gets nominated for an Oscar.

Potentially Sophisticated Banter:

"It's great to see Scorsese returning to his pulp roots. He's so much more vital this way."

Or: "Wasn't it fucked up when Leo got shot in the head?"

^LETTERS FROM IWO JIMA

Vegas Odds: 5/2

The Setup:

Clint Eastwood directs another Paul Haggis-doctored script, this one about the Japanese forces, outnumbered and exhausted, fighting for their Pacific island in World War II. A baker, a disgraced cop and a former Olympic equestrian champ are led by Ken Watanabe to fight for what they expect will be an honorable—if lost—cause.

How It Ends:

All hell breaks loose, and the troops die with great honor (which is very Japanese) or ironically (which is very Paul Haggis: He also penned the screenplay for 2006 Oscar winner Crash). The equestrian dies without medicine for his wounds after giving the meds to an American POW. The cop surrenders but is shot point-blank by infantry palookas. Ken Watanabe shoots himself with the 1911 Colt .45 pistol given to him as a gift by American friends. The baker survives and is taken prisoner. He stares at the ocean.

Potentially Sophisticated Banter:

"How sobering to be reminded that war affects everyone, regardless of nationality."

Or: "I would like to die with great honor. Or ironically."

^LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE

Vegas Odds: 5/6

The Setup:

A family drives to California in a VW van so their pudgy little girl can compete in a children's beauty pageant. They're pretty dysfunctional: Dad (Greg Kinnear) is a failed motivational speaker. Uncle Frank (Steve Carell) is gay Proust scholar who recently attempted suicide. Older brother Dwayne (Paul Dano) has taken a vow of silence until he gets into the Air Force. Grandpa (Alan Arkin) is a smack addict. Mom (Toni Collette) is worried about everybody else. Little Olive (Abigail Breslin) isn't dysfunctional yet. The VW van won't start unless everybody pushes it.

How It Ends:

Alan Arkin OD's, so the family packs his body into the back of the van. The beauty pageant is a pedophilia-tinged nightmare. Fortunately, Alan Arkin has taught little Olive the dance moves he learned from strip clubs, and she explodes the creepy pageant. Everybody dances together, then pushes the van home.

Potentially Sophisticated Banter:

"The American obsession with success has long deserved devastating satire."

Or: "I remember when my grandpa taught me to pole dance."

^THE QUEEN

Vegas Odds: 19/1

The Setup:

When Princess Diana dies, Queen Elizabeth II (Helen Mirren) doesn't want to make a public display of grief. New Prime Minister Tony Blair (Michael Sheen) has to persuade her to reach out to the British population, which is making a real ass of itself with the flowers and the outdoor weeping and shit. All the other royals are very cold and twitty.

How It Ends:

Elizabeth finally comes out of seclusion and concedes to popular sentiment. Blair is credited with softening her up, but she's actually persuaded by a 14-point stag shot by hunters—a wild creature that makes her appreciate the free-spirited Diana. The queen meets again with Blair and warns him that the people will someday turn on him, too. All the other royals remain cold and twitty.

Potentially Sophisticated Banter:

"The British monarchy may be an outmoded tradition, but I find it retains a certain quaint dignity, don't you?"

Or: "I had never thought of Princess Di as an elk before, but now I can't get the image out of my mind."