ISSUE #33.22 • SPECIAL SECTION •

HABITAT: Cracking the Code

What real-estate ads really mean.

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BY LIZZY CASTON | lizzyis2 at yahoo dot com

[April 11th, 2007] Let's face it: Real estate is based on sales and marketing. This is not a bad thing, inherently. But sometimes real-estate agents get a little creative when it comes time to write the short, sunny description of the latest shack they have to flog.

Real-estate ad copy is a notoriously Orwellian, two-faced literary genre. It is written not to provide you, the buyer, with any real data but rather to bait you with smiley disinformation. Knowing what grim, moldy truths might lurk behind the chirp-chirp adjectives and randomly capitalized, surreally punctuated sales terms can save a lot of disappointment when that "Close-In Charming Cottage!" turns out to be a decommissioned meth lab in Troutdale.

As you scan the listings, check out this modest decoder ring—our attempt to put the "real" back in real estate.

If the ad says:	It really means:
Up and Coming Neighborhood	Chain-link fence, cars on cinder blocks, pot-holed dirt roads.
Easy Freeway Access	Wedged up against Interstate 205.
West Irvington	Between a laundromat and an abandoned Alcoholics Anonymous meeting hall on Martin Luther King Jr. Boulevard.
Near Sellwood	Milwaukie
Alberta Arts District	As far north as Columbia Boulevard, as far east as 82nd Avenue.
Close In	Gresham, Clackamas or Tigard.
Near Historic St. Johns	Next to the train tracks in the industrial no-man's land of North Portland.

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West Hills Could be Forest Park. Or Scappoose.

E-Z Care Yard The yard is completely covered with concrete, or it's the size of a bathtub.

Room to Grow Tiny house the size of a garage.

Charming, Cute or Quaint Really goddamned small.

Ranchalow Not a ranch house, not a bungalow—a crappy post-1940s house that has had all of the redeeming modernist chic stripped out.

Updated Kitchen 1970s avocado green or 1980s mauve and electric teal color scheme.

Needs a Little TLC! Needs new roof and foundation.

Bring Your Tools and Your Imagination! You'll need an unlimited expense account at the local hardware store and a good contractor.

Agent Will Entertain All Offers Something is seriously wrong with this house, and the real estate agent is getting desperate.

Original Owner Sure, you'll get a period-piece kitchen that looks like a retro housewares catalog. But you'll also get the bad wiring, an old, leaky oil tank, and 70 years of Grandma's junk in the attic, basement and garage.

Gardener's Paradise Large, overgrown jungle of a yard covered in blackberry bushes and weeds.

Perfect Starter Home This house sucks, but it's all you can afford.

HABITAT: Table of Contents
The Plunge
Become Donald Trump in One Day!
A Renter's Survival Guide
I'm Buying a What?
Way of the Ninja
Guns for Hire
Cracking the Code
What the Hell Does $250K Buy, Anyway?
The Final Frontier
Sweat Equity?
Armed & Dangerous