[December 5th, 2007]

87 I’m Convinced

Help spread the local-sustainable-organic food movement without sounding like a boring tool with these “eat organic” panties from Vancouver, B.C.,’s BuenoStyle ($16, Greenloop, 8005 SE 13th Ave., 236-3999). Handmade from organic cotton and cut for maximum comfort, they’re a fine container for your personal organics.

88 That Doo You Do

What’s that smell? Read up in Jim Dawson’s Blame It on the Dog: A Modern History of the Fart ($6.95, Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651). Have physical evidence? Find out where it came from with Matt Paget’s What Shat That?: The Pocket Guide to Poop Identity ($12.95, Borders Books&Music, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 220-5911) or what it means with John Richman and Anish Sheth’s What’s Your Poo Telling You? ($9.95, Funny Bone, 617 SW Washington St., 241-0455).

89 Fun for the Fixated

If you know someone who loves the poo but not the readin’ (and who doesn’t?), there’s plenty of excrement-related products that are simpler to consume. Take, for instance, the Butt Crack Calendar ($13.95, The Funny Bone, 617 SW Washington St., 241-0455) , which features an array of asses from across the animal kingdom; the Monthly Doos Dog Poop Calendar ($13.95, Furever Pets, 1902 NE Broadway, 282-4225) , with 12 samples of splendid spoor; or the Chocolate Doo Drops candy turd ($10.95, The Funny Bone, 617 SW Washington St., 241-0455) , a sweet piece for a 12-year-old with a sweet tooth. Don’t have enough poo, yet? Tie a turd on your tree with a Yule Doo ornament ($5.95 The Funny Bone) .

90 All In the Family

Take revenge on your siblings by giving their long-suffering kids Dysfuctional Family Paper Dolls ($10, imagineeringstore.com), with cross-dressing dad, leather-freak mom and suffering kids. Then let them know how much worse things could have been with Justin Racz and Alec Brownstein’s 50 Relatives Worse than Yours ($8, Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4691), a feel-good collection of terrible people you (hopefully) aren’t related to. Ah, brotherly love.

91 Do It for the Planet

We hear Portland’s supposed to be ground zero for the New Green Lifestyle (that’s what The New York Times tells us, anyway), so of course eco-friendliness doesn’t end at the bedroom door. Local Internet retailer Earth Erotics (eartherotics.com) carries a large selection of nontoxic sex toys, from the German-made LayaSpot petal vibrator ($45) to artisan-blown glass dildos in all shapes and sizes ($35-$85).

92 Call It a Mistrust Fund

For the sort of person whose money is gone quicker than Britney’s thong, here’s a little honest help. These adult savin’ banks ($8, Greg’s, 3707 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 235-1257) let everyone know what you’re really hoping to spend that spare change on, whether it’s “some good weed” or “to clone my cat.” Put ’em to use and you’ll be there in no time.

93 Beyond Brownies

Anyone who’s gone to college in the Northwest knows the basics of marijuana cuisine—pot brownies, pot cookies, pot banana bread—but we don’t know much beyond baked goods. When the need arises to serve a four- (or five-, or nine-) course burner’s buffet, The Cannabis Cookbook by Tim Pilcher ($16.95, Counter Media, 927 SW Oak St., 226-8141) is here to help with 35 recipes from every corner. From ganja guacamole to sativa spinach salad, it’s all here.

94 Slick and Natural

Sure, K-Y is good and all, but it’s so, like, corporate. Thank god for this all-natural personal lubricant from Eugene-based manufacturer Good Clean Love ($16, Whole Foods Market, 1210 NW Couch St., 525-4343). The water-based, herb-infused lube gets the slippery job done, and smells good to boot. For foreplay, check out their line of massage oils (or “aphrodisiac essences,” according to the packaging) in scents like “Indian Spice” and “Caribbean Rose.”

95 Faith-Based Inebriation

Here’s a good one for the functioning alcoholic in your life (or anyone trying to sneak a tipple past security at Edgefield): The Flask in a Book ($34.95, Hello Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771) conceals a four-ounce stainless-steel flask inside an almost convincing, gilt-edged pocket Bible. The hollowed-out pages are cut tightly enough to prevent any unwanted rattling, and the flask holds enough white lightning to keep your buzz going for an hour or two. Cheers! And for those more in tune to this century, look for their iPod in a Leather Hymn Book ($29.95), too.

Gimme More

Tied Up in Luxury:

With these fleece-lined wrist restraints ($34.50-$42.50, Spartacus, 300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604) , at least part of your anatomy will be warm and cozy.

Is God Out to Get You?

Well, then you share the same unfortunate predicament as author Shalom Auslander. His new book, Foreskin’s Lament ($24.95, Broadway Books, 1714 NE Broadway, 284-1726) , will give you some perspective on why the guy upstairs is so pissed and what you can do to get back on his good side.

Husbands Gone Wild:

Porn for Women ($12.95, Countermedia 927 SW Oak St., 226-8141 and Lunar Boy Gallery, 1133 Commercial St., Astoria, 325-1566, lunarboygallery.com) is full of housebound hubbies scrubbing toilets, doing dishes, even sucking—with a vacuum, that is. Hot.