Storm Large

[December 5th, 2007]

Is it safe to come out yet? WW’ s weather-watching professionals hunkered down in our hurricane-proof bunker watching the TV news for signs of the apocalypse, which, according to local meteorologists, was due to commence last week with snow (!) and an honest-to-God hurricane (!!).

Well, maybe not a hurricane, per se, but a “double whammy,” “one-two punch” of “monster storms” coming to “batter” the Oregon Coast with winds of more than 100 mph and flood the Willamette Valley. True, damage outside the Portland area was serious. Yet so was the need to fill air time to discuss the storm of the century. The storm may not have lived up to the hype—but the coverage could be more frightening than the event. To wit, our awards for the past few days:

Scariest Weather Report:
On Dec. 3, KGW meteorologist Matt Zaffino warns that two time bombs—ocean buoys—broke loose of their moorings during “HUGE SWELLS.” “Literally, we could have exploding buoys running aground on the Oregon Coast,” Zaffino said. “I’m not kidding.”

Runner-Up: KATU’s Storm Trackers (motto: “We track storms”) advise viewers Dec. 2 to stay inside to avoid the “downright dangerous” “hurricane-force” winds (and “make sure you have a…battery powered TV”), but proceeds to inform us that remaining indoors increases our risk for carbon monoxide poisoning . Should I stay or should I go?

Best Evidence That Hyperbolic Meteorology Is a Retail Conspiracy:
KOIN: “Today’s weather is brought to you by Les Schwab Tires.” Got studs?

Please-Don’t-Change-the-Channel Moment:
On Dec. 1, KGW’s 5 o’clock news reports that the Ducks and the Beavers are tied 28-28 in overtime. But do stay tuned for weather!

Most Promising Literary Career If This TV Thing Doesn’t Work Out:
On Dec. 2, KATU’s Susan Harding reports on families “sloshing through the drizzly mist,” braving “soggy skies” and “whipping winds” to buy a Christmas tree.

Runner-Up: From Timberline Lodge on Dec. 1, KGW’s Katherine Cook describes the “freshly fallen flakes” as a “powdery prologue” to the coming storm, concluding that it was truly “a nice day for a white wedding.”

Most Sideways Acknowledgement of Overblown Forecasts:
KOIN’s Lisa Balick asks a group of little kids dressed in snowsuits Dec. 1 whether they think the promised snow will come. “Nooo,” they reply sadly and in unison. Thanks for nothing, news lady.

Runner-Up: After plowing through a big puddle Dec. 2 in Rock Creek, stoic driver Joe Dolan tells KATU’s Tom Jensen: “It’s always like this…every year.”

Biggest Waste of the Digital Spectrum:
KOIN leads its 6 o’clock news Dec. 2 with a choppy, pixilated, webcam-style shot of swaying trees. When it stops raining, take your HDTV back to Circuit City and demand a refund.

Most Confusing Meteorologistspeak:
KGW forecasts “Wintry Mix to Rain.” Come again? Oh, “Wintry Mix” is a noun.

Runner-Up: KGW, again, warning of “the kind of ice that actually covers everything.” As opposed to Icees, which disappear all too quickly.

DuPont Award for Remembering the Homeless:
KOIN’s Alexis Del Cid reports from a Red Cross “warming center.”

Your Lying Eyes:
KATU reporter Brian Barker, standing by the Willamette River on Dec. 2, declares, “This river is just raging past me,” as a duck floats lazily by.

Most Heartbreaking Moment:
Seaside’s 750-year-old giant Sitka spruce succumbs to the winds. “A day of destruction in the Northwest,” KATU declares.

Runner-Up:
On Dec. 2, Alexis Del Cid utters the words “my husband,” destroying the moment for adolescent Del Cid admirers everywhere.

Honorable Mention:
From The Oregonian : “Bill Dempsey says the wind took his hat Sunday…and it was the last he saw of it.”

Most Desperate for Severe Weather Footage:
“Take a look at this huge puddle right outside our KATU studios!”

Runner-Up: KOIN runs footage of a landslide by Highway 26 from earlier this year .

Wait, What’s Our Big Concern?
KOIN anchor: “So wind is our big concern?”

Meteorologist: “Wind is our big concern.”

Most Unfortunately Timed Post-Weather Report Ad:
KOIN: “Have you planned your funeral?”