[November 21st, 2007]

89 Ooh, Snip!

There is no one alive whose life could not be made a little better with giant novelty scissors ($4, Greg’s, 3707 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 235-1257) . It’s a great gift for all professions: film editors, tailors, barbers, runners and more. Seriously—two-foot-long, plastic scissors. It just doesn’t get much more wonderfully bizarre than that.

90 Judaica 101

There are plenty of books that attempt to explain wonders of Hanukkah to little gentile boys and girls, but most of them come off as preachy or stuffy. In The Latke Who Wouldn’t Stop Screaming ($9.95, Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) , “alleged children’s author” Lemony Snicket cheerfully explains why the Goldbergs don’t have a tree through the brief and bizarre story of a walking, talking latke.

91 Leave No Bumper Uncovered

In this town, just about everybody has a friend or relative whose beat-up old Subaru is plastered with almost-funny aphorisms and political slogans. Give ’em a boost toward sticker critical mass with Watch Out for the Idiot Behind Me: The Ultimate Bumper Sticker Book ($14.95, Funny Bone, 617 SW Washington St., 241-0455) , a pack of 96 cut-rate renditions of familiar labels. That’s enough to cover 240 square feet of bumper. Wow.

92 Blame Gabriel Rucker

Truly, 2007 is the year of the pig. First every restaurant in town starts serving pork belly for $10 a pound, then some Spaniard starts exporting jamón Ibérico to the U.S., and now bacon is invading everything, from chocolate to salt to these bacon-flavored toothpicks ($1.99, Little Finnegan’s, 802 SW 10th Ave., 221-0306) , imbued by Chinese craftsmen with pure essence of hog to keep your mouth tasting piglet-fresh all evening.

93 Emergency!

Keeping a shiny plastic panic button ($14.95, Firebox.com) , complete with transparent cover and yellow stripes, at your desk is awesome enough, but this one actually has a purpose. Plug it into your computer’s USB port, and a press from the button will bring up something workish—a spreadsheet by default, or your own image—whenever the boss works by. Now you can surf Gawker all day with (near) impunity.

94 It’s Playing our Song!

Celebrate to the beat of a different thumber with this make-your-own music box set ($12.95, Aria Boutique at Portland Airport, 7000 NE Airport Way, 595-8430) , an easy-to-use kit that comes with a hand-cranked player, a hole punch and four strips printed with a grid of notes and beats. Punch out a tune and feed the strips into the player, and you’ll have that “Straight Outta Compton” music box you’ve always wanted.

95 BOING!

We’ve seen plenty of jumping toys before, but Tallula the jumping bug ($5, Greg’s, 3707 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 235-1257) takes the cake. Press it to a smooth surface and this cute purple quadruped will gather its strength for a moment before leaping 4 feet in the air. Give one to your favorite niece or nephew—this is one doodad that’s sure to drive their parents up the wall. Revenge is sweet.

96 Ride, Baby, Ride

Get your visiting relatives out of their cars and out of your hair with TriMet’s holiday visitors bundle ($20.50, trimet.org) , a pack that includes a copy of the Explore Portland Transit Guide , a “trip tools” brochure and 10 all-zone tickets. Throw in four bucks for aerial tram fare and your in-laws are set for a week of sightseeing.

97 Got a Light?

We don’t know why Warren Dotz obsessively collects matchboxes from the subcontinent, but we’re glad he did. The hundreds of illustrations compiled in Light of India: A Conflagration of Indian Matchbox Art ($16.95, Annie Bloom’s Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 246-0053) range from quaint to bizarre to sublimely beautiful. And to think we’re lucky to get a business logo, when we could have “Two Cows brand.”

98 Drizzle Is for Lovers

The problem with most umbrellas—and, we suspect, one of the reasons that so few Portlanders use them—is that they are either too small to cover two people or too heavy to carry one-handed, making it nigh impossible to hold hands and stay dry at the same time. We’ve found an elegant solution in this couples umbrella ($19.95, shiptheweb.com) , a batwinged retractable that takes up no more room, folded, than a standard model, but is wide enough to cover two average-sized people.

Gimme More

The Gift Of Warm, Fuzzy Feelings:

Mercy Corps’ Mercy Kits ($20-$60, mercycorps.org ) support causes ranging from global warming to helping female entrepreneurs gain financial independence. Because, let’s face it—don’t we all have a few too many coffee-table books we’re never going to read?

Jolt Soap:

Why go to the trouble of lifting something up to your mouth when you can absorb it through your skin? Caffeinated Soap ($6.99, wishingfish.com) will address at least two of the reasons you’re unpleasant to be around.

Quick!

What’s the first word that comes to your mind? It used to be that only accredited psychoanalysts were allowed to expose people to Rorschach inkblots. Now they’re a hilarious party game! With Rorshöck: A Game with Personality ($18.95, Hello Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771 ), you can psychoanalyze your friends, family and loved ones for a fraction of the cost of actual therapy!