Bring on the ’Brellas

[January 23rd, 2008]

Maybe you haven’t noticed, Mr. and Mrs. Real-Portlanders-Don’t-Use-Umbrellas, but it’s raining...again. Which means I’m going to stand here for several minutes, staring at my umbrella, and weigh my completely rational desire to stay dry against this ludicrous masochistic pride you people have for braving storms sans the one apparatus that prevents rainwater from infiltrating your deepest recesses.

I know that if I pick up that umbrella, you’re going to make me regret it. You hoodie-wearing haters love to remind me that “only tourists use umbrellas.” You also love to say, like a drunk told me the other day, “Man up and suck the rain.” I don’t even know what that means, but it hurts like acid shame being ejaculated into my eyes.

Where did this unbridled animosity toward the umbrella start, dear Portlanders? Were you beaten with them when you were children? Or is it just that, as one stranger told me, “They’re dorky-looking”?

Whatever the case, you won’t be satisfied until you’ve destroyed the umbrella industry and sent every last human being into the rain, utterly defenseless. Fortunately, Portland is still home to ShedRain, a third-generation, family-owned business and one of the nation’s last umbrella manufacturers. Spokesman Jeff Blauer assured me that you rain Nazis aren’t hurting his bottom line. “The Northwest is one of our biggest territories,” he says. “Someone’s buying them. And it’s not all tourists.”

That gives me hope. Hope that maybe Portlanders are coming around to common sense. Hope that somewhere out there, a small child is discovering his or her first umbrella. Maybe you’re even redeemable, oh dreaded hater. Maybe you just need an umbrella that says something besides “I’m a giant pussy.” Or, at least, says something in addition to that.

SHARPER IMAGE WORLD’S SHORTEST FULL-SIZE UMBRELLA

Sharper Image, Pioneer Place Mall, 700 SW 5th Ave., 228-4110, sharperimage.com.

Description: It’s tiny and easily concealed, and it opens up to a full 42 inches, giving you full coverage from the rain.

Price: $15.

What it says about you: You totally don’t have an umbrella. Don’t want one, don’t need one, don’t—Oh, that six-inch bulge in your pocket? That’s...uh...never mind.

STORM DUDS NAVIGATOR UMBRELLA

The Duck Store, 734 SW 2nd Ave., 725-3057, uoduckstore.com.

Description: The only umbrella in the world with a built-in compass, flashlight and fan.

Price: $15

What it says about you: You’re prepared. When the ravenous Bug People of Blastaar 7 invade, riding in on bioengineered cockroach steeds and evil robot dogs, your handy Navigator will make you a god. The compass will direct you to the Resistance’s rendezvous locations. The flashlight will blind attacking aliens (their giant eyes are sensitive to bright lights). And the fan will keep you cool as the skies boil blood red and lava pits belch ash and flame into the air. It’ll be useful if it rains, too.

SHAW RAINBOW DOORMAN’S UMBRELLA

Hello Portland, 525 NW 23rd Ave., 274-0771, shophello.com.

Description: Only slightly less colorful than The Wizard of Oz , but just as gay.

Price: $15

What it says about you: You like to pick up other dudes in the rain and make sweet man love under your gay beacon. And there’s nothing wrong with that. Plus, if anybody gives you shit about your bumbershoot—or your homosexuality—flash them with the rainbow canvas and watch them convulse into a blind panic, their monochrome vision totally unprepared for anything outside the gray-and-black spectrum.

LOUIS VUITTON ARC EN CIEL UMBRELLA

Louis Vuitton, Pioneer Place Mall, 700 SW 5th Ave., 226-3280, louisvuitton.com.

Description: A “jacquard weave” canvas, honest-to-goodness cowhide leather and completely natural wood shaft, plus golden brass finishes.

Where: Price: $555. Yes, for an umbrella.

What it says about you: If you can throw away half a grand on an umbrella, you can probably also hire a bodyguard built like a missile silo to drown an umbrella hater in a street puddle, sell the umbrella-hater’s family into a Chinese sweatshop where umbrellas of Louis Vuitton’s ilk are “handcrafted,” and buy a lawyer to justify your megalomaniacal villainy and exonerate you before a bribed jury.

TUMI MIDSIZED UMBRELLA

Saks Fifth Avenue, 850 SW 5th Ave.,

226-3200, saksfifthavenue.com.

Description: 42-inch vented wind-resistant canopy that folds down to a compact size. Opens and closes at the push of a button.

Price: $50.

What it says about you: You’re a perfectly rational Portlander who realizes that it fucking rains here ALL THE DAMN TIME and, Jesus/Mohammed, wouldn’t it be nice to have an umbrella that’s a little bit sturdier than those crappy brands at the local gas station? Yeah, it’s a little expensive, but it’s not exactly a frivolous purchase. Trust me—you’ll get plenty of use out of it.

MALACCA FLASK UMBRELLA

British leather-goods maker Swaine Adeney Brigg. Available online only at swaineadeney.co.uk.

Description: A “gentleman’s” umbrella with a hidden liquor flask handle.

Price: £425 ($834).

What it says about you: You’re beyond caring what other people think of you. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t be getting drunk off your umbrella, singing Billy Joel songs off-key, accusing strangers of stealing your lunch and picking fights with your imaginary friend. And because you’re never sober, you’re immune to crippling emotions like “embarrassment,” “shame” or “self-respect.”

SKULL UMBRELLA

Description: The Jolly Roger is displayed on the exterior canvas to give your enemies ample opportunity to surrender.

Where: Cherry Lane Enterprises, skullumbrella.com

Price: $19.95

What it says about you: You’ve got an eye patch, a galiot docked on the Willamette River, and you speak incessantly of “swag,” “lassies” and “poop decks.” You once killed a man by shoving your peg leg down his throat and, while he was still choking, had the skin ripped off his bones to feed to your pet parrot, Heartie. You’re a fearsome, doubloon-stealing, wench-raping, all-around-scalawag who’s sailed the entirety of the Pacific Ocean seeking new innocents to rob and murder. But you really hate getting wet.

SKY UMBRELLA

Description: The umbrella’s inner canopy is painted to resemble a clear day with a blue-and-white color scheme.

Where: MoMA Store, momastore.org.

Price: $35.

What it says about you: You’re an optimist (a.k.a. delusional psychopath) who insists it doesn’t really rain in Portland all the time. “In fact,” you say, as you gaze into the inside of your colorful umbrella canopy, the rain beating down all around you, the motor-oil-stained clouds swallowing the sun, and the wind hurling street debris against your face, “look at that lovely blue sky and those cute whipped-cream clouds! What a magnificent January day!”

WATER PISTOL UMBRELLA

Description: The funnel-shaped canopy draws water down the center shaft and into the water-gun handle.

Where: Alex Woolley Design, alexwoolleydesign.com.

Price: Not for sale...yet.

What it says about you: You’re ready to hunt down those brolly-hatin’ bastards one by one and go all Dirty Harry on their asses. Let’s see how they cackle when they get shot in the eye with a jet of water. Let’s hear them say the rain doesn’t bother them when you unload a gallon of it in their face. There’s a war on, you insist, and it’s high time there were a few casualties. (By the way, you may be taking this a bit too seriously....)

PILEUS INTERNET UMBRELLA

Description: Features include an Internet connection, a large screen inside the canvas for projecting photos and video from the Net, plus a built-in camera and GPS system.

Where: Pileus, pileus.net

Price: Not for sale...yet.

What it says about you: You’re a connoisseur of advancing technologies, a whiz kid when it comes to the latest gadgets, and a virtuoso at—holy shit! Are you watching porn in your umbrella? C’mon, now, that’s disgusting! You’re out in public! You could watch that filth in the comfort of your own home, or at any of Portland’s myriad sex shops, strip clubs, XXX theatres or public parks. There’s absolutely no reason for taking that out on the street—oh, my God! Is she really swallowing all of that?

THINKGEEK LED UMBRELLA

Description: The center shaft lights up à la Blade Runner . What? You haven’t seen Blade Runner ? All right. It’s a lightsaber umbrella, then. You have seen Star War s, right?

Where: Think Geek, thinkgeek.com/

Price: $24.99

What it says about you: Regardless of whether you heart Han Solo or Rick Deckard, you clearly have impeccable taste in sci-fi and fantasy cinema. Even a ’brella hater will have to bow down to your mad replicant-hunting/Sith-chopping skills, unless, of course, he happens to be some dirty Lord of the Rings freakazoid. Whatever you do, don’t stare into his hideous, pus-oozing ogre face. Just shine your umbrella at him until he shrieks and scurries back to his dark Hobbit hole.