[April 30th, 2008]

WINNERS

1 Bueller? Bueller? Some Lincoln High pranksters vaulted into all-time legendary status by sending 600 letters stuffed with condoms (on school stationery!) to parents with advice on how to provide a safe after-prom environment for their children (tip: Buy them Hennessy). The letters also notified parents of “Drinkin’ Lincoln’s” new position on sex: encouraged, with a raincoat. Best senior prank ever! Give those kids a scholarship.

2 He may have been the perfect fit for Portland State University all along. But it sure doesn’t hurt Wim Wiewel ’s chances of becoming PSU’s next president that the only two other candidates dropped out before final interviews. (Maybe they’ll apply for the new presidential vacancy at UO—as first reported Monday on wweek.com.) It’s not a done deal yet. But if the rules of reality television applied, Wiewel (pronounced VEE-vel) would already have his $1 million check in hand. And that makes him a Viking vinner.

3 Thirteen turned out to be Jonathan Stewart ’s lucky number last weekend, when the ex-Oregon running back got taken by the Carolina Panthers in the first round of the NFL draft; he was the 13th pick overall. Questions about Stewart’s durability apparently didn’t bother the Panthers. Neither did dark rumblings of a fresh curse on taking Ducks in the first round (as in, anybody remember Joey Harrington?).

4 A growth industry everyone loves, until morning: The Oregon Brewers Guild reported 8.1 percent growth among the state’s craft beer-meisters in 2007, despite rising prices for hops and barley. Total beer production in Oregon rose to 285 million bottles. WW analysts say production needs to stay on the upcurve if we’re going to get through this recession.

LOSERS

1 Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton took a hit when U.S. Rep. David Wu (D-Ore.) finally endorsed Barack Obama. On the plus side, Clinton’s cash-strapped campaign saves cash on long-distance calls with each undeclared superdelegate who climbs off the fence.

2 The Portland Fire Bureau faces accusations of harassment and bullying. The O reported that former deputy chief Scott G. Edwards filed a $1.5 million suit last week, claiming he was bullied out of his job after blowing the whistle on bum inspections. Co-workers allegedly sent gay porn and condoms to Edwards’ home (via the mail) and even Super-Glued his office door shut. The bureau should be sure to set up a booth at the Lincoln High job fair.

3 Anyone who skipped Candidates Gone Wild! at the Roseland Theater on April 28 is a big, sorry loser. The Daily Show’s Jon Stewart emceed. Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho, closeted) was the men’s room attendant. And Barack Obama slow-danced with everyone until dawn. (See "Torture on a Grand Scale" for actual coverage.)