[May 21st, 2008]

This Memorial Day, why not take a moment to honor those who made the ultimate sacrifice? That’s right: We’re talking about those brave men and women who gave their lives in the service of sleazy, preposterous and flat-out lousy movies. These are the crooked cops slain by Dirty Harry, and the vampires who fell at the hands of Corey Feldman and Sherman Hemsley. Their eternal flame burns at the Supertrash 48-Hour Film Fest this weekend—and, in commemoration of their courage, we’ve counted the deaths in all six movies. The paths of glory lead but to the Bagdad Theater.

WATCH & REMEMBER: Supertrash 48-Hour Film Fest, Bagdad Theater, 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 249-7474. 2 pm to 1 am Saturday, May 24, and 2 to 10:30 pm Sunday, May 25. $5 per movie or $15 for an all-weekend pass.

Rumble Fish

2 pm Saturday and 6:30 pm Sunday.

Most Memorable Death: Mickey Rourke plows his Harley into a bloodied and staggering Glenn Withrow, launching him like a bottle rocket. Ouch.

The movie makes you proud to be an American because: Who wouldn’t be proud to live in a country where Tom Waits runs a soda fountain and Nicolas Cage is the geeky friend?

Body Count: 2

Magnum Force

4:15 pm Saturday.

Most Memorable Death: A naked cokehead coed is shot twice through the chest and falls a dozen stories—though not without ricocheting off a balcony halfway down.

The movie makes you proud to be an American because: Dirty Harry Callahan (Clint Eastwood) gets a burger at an airport and foils a hijacking. This isn’t part of the plot. It’s just his lunch break.

Body Count: 35

Boarding House

7 pm Saturday.

Most Memorable Death: Maybe not giving a reason for killing the cat is supposed to be suspenseful.

The movie makes you feel proud to be an American because: It’s more bloody than a Texas slaughterhouse, with more boobs than Hooters at happy hour.

Body Count: 11

The Lost Boys

9:30 pm Saturday and 2 pm Sunday.

Most Memorable Death: An arrow through the heart pins a squealing bloodsucker to a shrieking, sparking home entertainment system—“Death By Stereo.”

The movie makes you proud to be an American because : In the good ol’ God-fearing U.S. of A. even Corey Haim can vanquish the undead.

Body Count: 12 (7 human, 5 vampire)

Willie Nelson’s 4th of July Picnic

11:30 pm Saturday and 9 pm Sunday.

The movie makes you proud to be an American because: The first boob flash is one minute and 35 seconds in. Before the first song, actually.

Body Count: No one actually dies at this Texas concert, though many of Willie’s special guests are “terrifyingly” drunk.

Ghost Fever

4:30 pm Sunday.Most Memorable Death: A ghost spontaneously combusts into a ball of flames and is reincarnated as a vampire who is subsequently impaled through the heart with a stick.

The movie makes you proud to be an American because: The ghost of a former slave liberates the ghost of his white owner, granting him freedom to “spook” at will. Emancipation Proclamation version 2.0!

Body Count: 4 ish (The same character dies twice. Once as a ghost. Once as a vampire. We don’t know how to count that.)

^HEADOUT PICKS

THURSDAY MAY 22

[MUSIC] DESTROYER

Destroyer’s new record is its most somber, but that’s not going to stop us from playing the Destroyer drinking game. Just don’t take a shot for every “la la la” chorus—you’ll be shitfaced before you can say, “This night advances…ON!” Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., 233-1994. 9 pm. $12. All ages.

[MUSIC] M.I.A.

Ass-shaking rhythms that defy genre, armed insurrections blithely name-checked, an art-school aesthetic enabling DayGlo ho-wear? The politics of dancing, indeed. Roseland, 8 NW 6th Ave., 224-2038. 9 pm. $25. All ages.

[FILM] INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULLThe archeologist battles Russians and aliens. No, it doesn’t make sense. And that doesn’t matter. Area theaters. See review. Visit wweek.com/movietimes for PDX showtimes.

FRIDAY MAY 23

[STAGE] DOUBT

John Patrick Shanley’s pedophile-priest drama won four Tonys. Now it’s here. Gerding Theater at the Armory, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays, noon Thursdays. Closes June 15. $21.50-$61.50.

SATURDAY MAY 24

[MUSIC] SASQUATCH!

When the NW hosts a three-day drink- and rockathon where Modest Mouse, the National, Okkervil River and Built to Spill are, well, opening acts, there’s little reason to be anywhere else. Gorge Amphitheater, Quincy, Wash. Sasquatchfestival.com.

SUNDAY MAY 25

[BIKE] URBAN ASSAULT RIDE

Two-person teams, two wheels, one big-ass, city-wide bike scavenger hunt. Starts 9 am at Pioneer Court House Square, 701 SW 6th Ave. Visit urbanassaultride.com for details.

MONDAY MAY 26

[FILM] RUSHMORE The secret, I don’t know...I guess you’ve just gotta find something you love to do and then...do it for the rest of your life. For me, it’s watching Rushmore. Broadway Metroplex, 1000 SW Broadway, 243-1404. 7:30 pm. $5.

TUESDAY MAY 27

[MUSIC] SWERVEDRIVER

Swervedriver is magic, and this is the most thrilling (and unlikely) reunion in years. Wonder Ballroom, 128 NE Russell St., 284-8686. All Ages. 9 pm. $15 advance, $18 day of show.