Sacred and Profane

[November 26th, 2008]

69 Spank of the Earth

Portland’s home to a bewildering array of fetishists, from butt-spankers to Earth mothers. Now, the two can play together (in a mutually respectful, safe-word-protected way) thanks to local eco-friendly perv-eyors Earth Erotics’ recycled rubber whip ($39. Eartherotics.com), a 7-inch flogger crafted from old bike inner tubes. With each zinging thwap of the whip’s flexible tendrils, be assured you are satisfying your sustainable bona fides as much as your partner. This is one sex toy that’s touched way more asphalt than ass in its lifetime. (KC)

70 Nature Abhors a Panty Line

Sometimes it’s not enough to simply enjoy nature; sometimes you’ve gotta take off your pants, smear honey over your bare butt and have sex out in the open. At least, that’s what Scott Cook, author of the stellar Northwest hiking, sightseeing and boning au naturel guide Pokin’ Around the Gorge ($20. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) thinks you should do. Odder still is the useful hiking advice Cook manages to sprinkle in between snapshots of “volunteers” getting raunchy and naked in scenic spots along the majestic Columbia River Gorge. Next time your friends come back from little-known Lindsey Creek Falls with a case of poison oak on their privates, you’ll know why. (KC)

71 You Say “Bible,” I Say “Niche Marketing”

When is a Bible not just a holy book anymore? When it’s also a magazine. Swedish ad man Dan Söderberg createdBible Illuminated ($35. Borders, 708 SW 3rd Ave., 888-812-6782), an eye-popping, slick-paged version of the New Testament that could be mistaken for a misbegotten issue (ha!) of Vogue or Adbusters. Your sister-in-law studying for her m-div at Western Seminary may think she’s got her study aids covered this holiday season, but does her King James come with glossy photos of suffragettes, gas pumps, Angelina Jolie and polar bears along with the apostles? I don’t think so. (KC)

72 Say Your Eco-Prayers

And the march of the highly specific Bibles continues. HarperOne’s clever The Green Bible ($29.95. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 W Burnside St., 228-4651) practices what it preaches. Printed with soy ink on recycled paper, the tome highlights ecologically relevant verses in green, and includes a series of additional essays on eco-justice, an epigraph from Wendell Berry and hints on “the Bible’s message for the Earth.” (KC)

73 Foot Play

Stripping down to have sex is so 2007. Knock boots and stay sartorially chic by keeping on your hand-printed stockings from Portland’s own Polonova ($22. Sock Dreams, 725 SE Powell Blvd., 888-717-6257, sockdreams.com.). Silky black trouser socks adorned with winding silver or gold leaf patterns, they’re like Dangerous Liaisons finery for your feet. And for those gents who like to be trussed up during playtime, Sock Dreams also sells excellent men’s sock garters ($18): Keep it up with tight, elastic cuffs that are as much fun to snap off as they are to put on.

74 Cooking with Lorena Bobbit

Sometimes the holidays can bring up painful memories of love gone bad, family gatherings gone awry and dinners gone terribly, terribly wrong. Designer Raffaele Iannello has created a sleek, utilitarian answer with The Ex ($90. Artful Goods, 1233 SW 10th Ave., 295-3022), a “cathartic knife holder” that allows you to plunge sharp, stainless steel cutlery through the defenseless body of a shiny plastic humanoid. He didn’t call? The Ex takes a chef’s knife to the belly. Mom won’t stop criticizing and your soufflé fell? A 5-inch utility blade to the head and paring knife in the leg will have you humming “Joy to the World” again in no time. (KC)

75 All Hands on the Soap One

Your average shower-masturbation fantasy just got a little weirder with the advent of Stroke on a Rope ($10. Presents of Mind, 3633 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 230-7740 or strokeonarope.com), a big, pink, lifelike hand made of soap (on a rope) that’ll keep you dirty while you get clean. The idea of soap that’ll rub one out for you is revolutionary. Its creator, a Portlander who gave us good reason not to use her name, actually patented the concept of a “provocative” hand-shaped lather maker in 2007. She plans to have more hand positions for sale in 2009. (KC)

76 EyePorn

Back in 1933, homosexual chickens, sex life on a South Sea island and humans with tails were only a few of the titillating topics covered in the pages of Sexology: The Illustrated Magazine of Sex Science. 75 years later, pervs will still get a thrill from The Best of Sexology ($14.95. Powell’s City of Books, 1005 West Burnside St., 228-4651), a compilation of the magazine’s best—OK, weirdest—scientific sex investigations. The illustrations alone, including a series of line drawings of famous buildings that look like penises, are worth the purchase. (KC)

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