It’s All About...Virgins

[December 10th, 2008]

Many of you may not know it, but Friday is a national holiday for our friends south of that 2,000-mile patchwork fence: Día de Nuestra Señora de Guadalupe. This celebrates that one time when the Virgin Mary appeared to a dude in Mexico City and told him to pick some roses, which then magically turned his jacket into a Technicolor Dreamcoat festooned with her image. And lo! A church upon the spot was built, and the Virgin Mary became Mexico’s patron saint. Ya gotta admit that’s cool. So in honor of the original Virgin (besides Ms. Ciccone, of course), Consumer Whore this week is all about keeping that hymen where it belongs. Or trying to. Until you’re magically impregnated via unseen forces like Mary was. Or Rosemary.

If you need to get your shrine on, hit North Mississippi Street chic shack Flutter. This ink drawing, based on the adjoining Peruvian saint mirror, is by Casea Betts, an artist and Flutter shopgirl. And of course, no shrine is complete without a fancy gilded candle. Virgin drawing, $30; vintage saint mirror, $6; candle, $17.50. All from Flutter, 3948 N Mississippi Ave., 288-1649, flutterclutter.com.

Trouble with self-control? This form-fitting number might help (it comes with four padlocks). And fear not—this is the high-tech version. Not to be confused with the spiked crap they had back in the day. Female chastity belt with thigh strap. $295.75. Spartacus Leathers, 300 SW 12th Ave., 224-2604, spartacusleathers.com.

Ever wonder if Mary was virgin or extra virgin? Yeah, we did too. All we know is this holy oil’s local, and tastes great. Arbequina Extra Virgin Olive Oil by Red Ridge Farms. $21.25. Foster & Dobbs, 2815 NE 15th Ave., 284-1157, fosteranddobbs.com.

Über-white sheets are a good incentive for keeping your panties on! Those suckers are hard to keep clean without having to lose your virginity all over them. King-size pillowcases by Legna, $80 each, French Quarter Linens, 313 NW Glisan St., 282-8200,

frenchquarterlinens.com.

But if you’re gonna date someone, it might as well be a good Catholic boy from PDX. You know, like one of the Altarboys, our new favorite hardcore pop band. And judging from the copious amounts of F-bombs these guys drop, the Altarboys are the Real McCoy. In fact, we’re betting they like Catholic girls in uniform juuust fine. Got Wolves for Brothers, The Altarboys. $8. Green Noise Records, 2615 SE Clinton St., 736-0909, greennoiserecords.com and myspace.com/thealtarboyscom.