Terrorist Booty

[December 24th, 2008]

One of President Bush’s parting gifts to this country is an elevated threat level that hasn’t been lowered since 2002, according to a calculation from Harper’s Index.

But fear and anxiety weren’t the only byproducts of that yellow—or orange or red—peril.

Since Sept. 11, 2001, Christmas has come more than once a year for Portland-area law enforcement officials and emergency responders.

Working on behalf of Multnomah, Clackamas, Washington, Columbia and Clark counties, the city of Portland has taken in almost $47 million in grants for anti-terrorism equipment and training from the U.S. Department of Homeland Security. The money is intended to help protect Oregonians against foreign threats and other dangers (mostly of the homegrown variety. Think deranged bank bombers or Arctic blasts.)

So what did we get for all that money, the latest $7 million of which Portland city commissioners accepted last month?

As folks have been forced to cut back on their holiday wish lists this recession, WW visited Multnomah County Emergency Management, one of the grants’ beneficiaries, to find out what go-go-gadget gifts our federal tax dollars have bought us. Feel free to cut this out and stick it under the tree. It’s sure to make even the most hardened cynic feel comforted this Xmas. Photos by: Vivian Johnson.

SMART Board
It looks like a dry-erase board. But at $2,000, it’s the B-52 bomber of office equipment. Capable of linking to any computer, this SMART Board—now located in the basement of Multnomah County’s headquarters—is interactive and lets users save their work, whether they’re fighting actual terrorists or playing Win, Lose or Draw: Terrorist Edition.
Green, yellow, blue and red vests
No need for Christmas sweaters when you can dress your family in identical reflective vests in a variety of bold colors. Sure, they’re designed to help public employees identify fellow emergency responders during an attack or natural calamity. In the meantime, about a dozen of the $9 vests are sitting in a “9/11 closet” on Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard, ready for your next holiday party.
HP Designjet 100plus printers
Currently discontinued, Hewlett-Packard’s super-fast printer shoots out maps at speeds greater than flying shoes. That’s why the county has several of them at $600 apiece. Scattered across the county to help Oregonians plat the region in the event of its utter annihilation, the printers carry stickers that boldly declare what citizens should already know: “Purchased with funds provided by U.S. Department of Homeland Security.” And don’t you forget it!
Panasonic KX-FL511 fax machine
A reviewer on Amazon.com calls Panasonic’s $150 fax machine and copier “bar none the worst business machine I’ve ever owned.” Another reviewer is similarly unkind. “This is the absolute worst fax machine ever!” writes J. Kao. “I would not even call it a fax machine because it doesn’t fax!”

But on the day Osama bin Laden is discovered hiding in Crawford, Texas, expect Multnomah County’s version to kick into high gear.

Emergency management mobile incident command
Part trailer, part warship, the Emergency Management Mobile Incident Command post looks like a vehicle Clark Griswold would drive on a family vacation, says Aaron Wilson, chief electronics technician for Multnomah County.

But with its $300 Qualcomm-brand satellite phones, $3,000 800-megahertz radios and 100-gallon fuel tank, it could be a better ride for Will Smith in postapocalyptic New York City.

At $150,000, one would need Smith’s salary to afford that luxury.

To date, the mobile unit has housed Gresham fireman whose command post was undergoing improvements and police officers helping out at the Mount Hood Jazz Festival.