[December 31st, 2008]

ILLUSTRATION BY CASEY JARMAN

A little birdie told me The Oregonian wants to get rid of the back side of our Oregon state flag and create a new flag in honor of our state’s sesquicentennial birthday. Make it one-sided like all them other flags. WRONG ANSWER, OREGONIAN. YOU LOSE!

Now, MY flag captures the true spirit of our state. Not the liberal Californigan that it has become as of late (I am sorry to say). But before you delve into the visual feast that awaits you, let me describe for you the flag’s various elements, as some are very subtle:

From our gritty resilience (ax-wielding battle orc) to our unfortunate growing population (explosion, upper-right corner), my flag has you covered, Oregon. From our beautiful women (tattooed stripper at left—she’s meant to be right up against that flag pole) to our awesomeness at sports (monster truck conquering Vancouver) and our growing technological sector (see laser gun), this is the Oregon I know and love and will protect with my guns and life. The bright green of the state is for representing all the DayGlo windbreakers on our coastal beaches, and the flag’s murky blue represents our clean skies and blue oceans, which we are slowly but surely conquering.

And if those communists at The Oregonian wanna take away our flag’s majestic back side, I got a boot to put in theirs! The back side of MY flag puts a new twist on an old favorite, and the T-shirt version will sell like hotcakes at breakfast time. Hell yeah, Oregon! You go, state!

Artist’s notes: I am also open to the addition of snakes anywhere on this flag, and possibly everywhere on this flag. And yes, the skull represents The Goonies. Perhaps it needs a snake coming out the eye hole.

—Rusty Feathercap,
occasional WW freelancer and harmonica enthusiast

^Headout

WEDNESDAY Dec. 31

[MUSIC] BUILDERS & THE BUTCHERS, NICK JAINA, BARK HIDE AND HORN
We know you have lots of options on New Year’s Eve, but stomping along to the Builders and the Butchers is tough to pass up. Doug Fir, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. 9 pm. $15 advance, $17 day of show. 21+.

[DANCE] FREEDOM OF INFORMATION 2008
Solo artists across the U.S. join for 24 hours of continuous-movement improv with blindfolds on and earplugs in to show solidarity with people who’ve been displaced by the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. Tahni Holt represents Oregon. For info, go to freedomofinformation2008.blogspot.com. Performance Works NW, 4625 SE 67th Ave., 777-1967. Midnight Tuesday, Dec. 30, to midnight Wednesday, Dec. 31. Free.

FRIDAY JAN. 2

[SCREEN] WENDY AND LUCY
The lost-dog-on-Lombard movie we’ve all been waiting for finally arrives, with even more lost-dog action than we ever imagined! Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Avenue, 223-4515. $4-$8.

SATURDAY JAN. 3

[MUSIC] PENNY JAM 2: SLEEP, WORLD’S GREATEST GHOSTS, DIRTY MITTENS, RYAN DOLLIVER
Four ace local acts get down for the Penny Jam, a video podcast that features bands’ playing in barbershops and grocery stores. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 9 pm. $5. 21+.

SUNDAY JAN. 4

[MUSIC] PORTLAND MAKES MUSIC: OLD GROWTH, THE ALIALUJAH CHOIR
After a two-month break, LocalCut’s live music/interview series (formerly titled “Portland Lounge Series”) is back with a new name, new venue and a rad lineup. Did we mention it’s free? Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th Ave., 248-1030. 9 pm. Free. 21+.

MONDAY JAN. 5

[CLASSICAL] DAWN UPSHAW
Dawn Upshaw is the anti-diva—singing in at least nine languages, she brings uncommon depth to everything from show tunes to folk songs. Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 224-9842. 7:30 pm Monday, Jan. 5. $27-$37.

[WORDS] CRAIG ARNOLD
Poet Arnold marries mythology to present-day banalities in Made Flesh, a lush, sexy and lyrical new book that covers everything from body swapping to the fleeting beauty of a cafe breakfast. Powell’s on Hawthorne, 3723 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 228-4651. 7:30 pm. Free.