Wednesday December 19top

Mars on Life

[EXTENDED RUN] Susannah Mars is one part old-school diva, one part Martha Stewart and one part indie comedian. It’s a bizarre combination for a “holiday cabaret,” but Mars’ multiple personas bring something for everyone. Sometimes she’s graceful and sublime, perfectly polished in four-inch heels and a well-lacquered hairdo; the next minute she’s prancing around in a potato latke costume, or singing, “For Betty Crocker I’d go gay.” These unabashedly weird moments are the real treat of the show, but Mars brings a refreshing candidness to the more traditional songs as well. A guest artist accompanies Mars during each performance. STACY RIGER. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison St., 241-1278. 241-9807. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Dec. 30. $20-$47. All ages. Map

A Christmas Carol

After a five-year run of one-man holiday shows, Portland Center Stage is returning to Dickens with a brand-new, flashy adaptation by Mead Hunter. This special-effects extravaganza has a great cast, an astounding set and an excellent, original score of familiar Victorian carols. I’ve just one quibble: The Ghosts of Christmas Past, clad all in white with glowing red eyes, look more like a band of horrible albino Jawas than time-traveling spirits. Sure, they’ll walk Scrooge through the mistakes of his youth, but only if they can stop on the way back to devour a baby or two. PCS has put together the most impressive of this year’s holiday shows, and the most soul-shakingly terrifying. BEN WATERHOUSE. Portland Center Stage, 128 NW 11th Ave., 445-3700. 7:30 pm Tuesdays-Saturdays, 2 and 7:30 pm Sundays, noon Thursday, 2 pm Dec. 22. Closes Dec. 23. $16.50-$61.50. All ages. Map

Dandy Warhols, Upsidedown, The Nice Boys

[SPACE ROCK] What does a Dandy Warhols Christmas look like? Well, if you take a look at the concert poster, it looks to resemble A Charlie Brown Christmas—complete with the signature sparse evergreen. What does a Dandy Warhols Christmas sound like? Just as classic as that cartoon, but entirely its own. The Dandy Warhols' take on "The Little Drummer Boy" doesn't stray too far from the original tune, but it's definitely stamped with the outfit's trademark keyboards and spaced-out vocals. With this gig, you'll not only get the Dandy Warhols' own psyched-out rock classics but probably carols, too! NILINA MASON-CAMPBELL. 8 pm. Roseland, 8 NW 6th Ave., 219-9929 (Grill), 224-2038 (Theater). $15. All ages. Map

Jon Garcia Band; Songwriters in the Round: Jon Garcia, Ali Wesley, Leigh Marble, Zach Boyle, Whit Walker

[SINGER-SONGWRITER] First off, a collection of local songcrafters—later-night headliner Jon Garcia, folk-pop charmer Ali Wesley (Super XX Man), affecting folk-rocker Leigh Marble, soft crooner Zach Boyle (A Weather) and Happy Inside's blues-folkster Whit Walker—mixes it up songwriters-in-the-round style. Then, like the ménage-à-trois love child of a space alien, Elliott Smith and a less weird Antony and the Johnsons, Garcia and his backing band of tripled vocals, distorted guitar and flowery flute solos create a scenery of sounds. It flows like the whimsical soundtrack to the life of a Magic: The Gathering geek-turned-hipster who woos a Renaissance Faire maiden using only his trusty lute and a bag of weed. Enchanted? Exactly. Come, listen, and then you and your lover can ride off into the sunset on a unicorn. And, scene! ANNIE BETHANCOURT. 9 pm. Also see Saturday listing. Berbati's Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. $3. 21+. Map

George Balanchine’s The Nutcracker

Oregon Ballet Theatre stages one of the oldest American versions of this holiday chestnut: George Balanchine’s dazzling creation for New York City Ballet, featuring the Dewdrop Fairy and (spoiler alert!) the magically sprouting Christmas tree. Dancers don’t always love The Nutcracker—one friend, cast for many years in the taxing Chinese tea version, calls it "The Buttcracker"—but audiences always do, and countless ballet careers have been launched from so many starry-eyed tots picturing themselves in tulle and tiara, whirling through the enchanted Land of Sweets. HEATHER WISNER. Keller Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., 248-4335. 222-5538. 7:30 pm Wednesday-Friday, 2 and 7:30 pm Saturday, 1 pm Sunday (1 and 5 pm Dec. 23), noon Monday. $10.50-$120. All ages. Map

A December Feast

See performance box. STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. St. Philip Neri Church, 2408 SE 16th Ave., 764-7525. 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 19. $15. All ages. Map

OGLE GALLERY

Group show.
Featuring artists Rob Tyler, Yoshi Kitai, Brenda Mallory, and Mary Lang 310 NW Broadway., 227-4333. Closes Feb. 2. Map

ROCKSBOX GALLERY

Benedikt Ender's sculptural installation.
6540 N Interstate Ave., 971-506-8938. Closes Jan. 6. Map

The Not-So-Secret ’Stache

Portland’s fascination with mustaches on young men is equally hilarious and slightly disturbing. To the unknowing visitor, the city could look like a time-warp to the late ’70s, when lip caddies were a sign of status, despite the fact that they make men look like they just walked out of the To Catch a Predator house. Which makes the prospect of the Mustaches for Kids organization all the more wacky—people grow mustaches for charity events benefiting children, yet these mustaches are often the kind of facial accessories that would immediately raise suspicion anywhere within 500 feet of a school. But if you’ve gotta rock the lipwarmer, it’s best to do it with style. That’s the big appeal of the Stache Bash, Mustaches for Kids’ big fundraiser and fashion show. ’Staches of all sorts will be on display—broomlike Sam Elliott mustaches, pervy John Waters mustaches, peachy Nicollette Sheridan mustaches. But, in the case of the Bash’s competition, only the bushy will survive—after all, Mustaches for Kids is all about length of ’stache after a long growing season. At the “cross between a beauty pageant, dog show and police lineup,” pageant contestants will strut their shit on walkways, recite haikus, endure trivia and test their facial hair’s beer-foam retention ability. Proceeds go to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 10 pm. 21+. $3 minimum donation. Map

Thursday December 20top

As Is

I was surprised to hear that Troy Lakey’s Key Productions had chosen William M. Hoffman’s 1985 drama about the burgeoning AIDS epidemic and its effect on the lives of an infected writer and his loved ones for their second production. It's a tough show to pull off, and just the third directing project for longtime Portland actor Michael Mendelson. It’s a pretty good production, well-cast and competently acted throughout. Mendelson’s direction favors too much melodramatic shouting, but he’s created some very nice blocking and held a few of the script’s more maudlin moments in check. Although David Berkson is somewhat emotionally flat as Rich, a volatile and dying gay writer, Michael Teufel gives a fine performance (when he’s not yelling) as Rich’s former lover and caretaker, Saul. The supporting actors similarly range from decent to good. It’s not a great staging, but certainly above average for Portland, and it’s further proof that Lakey means business. BEN WATERHOUSE. Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center, 5340 N Interstate Ave., 781-3464. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 3 pm Sundays. Closes Dec. 22. $20. All ages. Map

A Scandal in Bohemia

Northwest Classical Theatre Company’s in-your-lap performance of this Holmes mystery properly uses the space—or lack thereof—in the intimate Shoe Box Theater to serve up subtlety and nuance. Timing is on Leif Norby’s side as he takes a turn as a spot-on Sherlock, playing off Chris Porter’s jovial, elegantly baffled Dr. Watson. The action never truly leaves the parlor as the King of Bohemia (Jayson Shanafelt, with a fun—if caricatured—take on the German patois) solicits Holmes’s help to thwart the mean machinations of an ex-lover, and as Holmes finds himself fascinated by a member of the fairer sex (a lively Allison Anderson). Grant Turner’s adaptation of Doyle’s tale suffers from excessive transition scenes and overly liberal use of the blackout, but otherwise stands as a self-contained Holmes primer and a nostalgic visit to Baker Street. SAUNDRA SORENSON. Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th Ave., 971-244-3740. 7 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes Jan. 6. $12-$18. All ages. Map

Nick Jaina, The Builders and the Butchers, The Golden Bears

[DAMN GOOD FOLK ROCK] I've always said Bobby Bare Jr.'s "Terrible Sunrise" is the best coke song ever, but local songwriter Nick Jaina's "Maybe Cocaine"—an earnest, realistic take on self-deprecation and the mid-twentysomething-afflicting quarter-life crisis—is certainly right up there. But that's old news: Jaina (who happens to be one of our very favorite LocalCut.com tour diary contributors) already has a few cuts from upcoming album Wool up on the ol' ’Space, and it appears spooky good things are in store. Jaina's dry sense of humor and droll demeanor are apparent in his songwriting, and his deft word mastery and contributing slew of talented PDX players—from the Maybe Happening's Nathan Langston on violin to Heroes & Villains' Ali Ippolito on keys (which is not to sell his own piano and guitar skills short)—combine to flatter all those characteristics in a delightfully somber, slightly Lou Reed-ish light. Also see profile. AMY MCCULLOUGH. 9 pm. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. $8. 21+. Map

Gumbo: Liv Warfield, Hungry Mob

[SPICY STEW] I'm not exactly sure why this ongoing R&B series at the Fez has been coined "gumbo" (wouldn't that, if taken literally, imply Cajun music?). But the combo of local soulstress Liv Warfield and MC-everyman Mic Crenshaw's group, Hungry Mob, is a bit of a self-(or booker-)fulfilling prophecy. Warfield—who got her start belting it out karaoke-style at the Galaxy—serves up everything from classic, late-night radio-style R&B to soul barn-burners, jazzed-up funk numbers and danceable hip-hop. Crenshaw and company go at things a little more directly, but not much. Sure, Hungry Mob features Crenshaw rapping over deep, groove-worthy beats, but there's soul aplenty (musically and vocally, thanks to Toni Hill of Siren's Echo) to be had here, too. A spicy, chunky stew, indeed. AMY MCCULLOUGH. 8 pm. Fez Ballroom, 316 SW 11th Ave., 221-7262. $7. 21+. Map

NW Women Rhythm & Blues 9th Annual Holiday Show: Sonny Hess, Lisa Mann, Linda Hornbuckle, Janice Scoggins, Margo Tufo, Lady Kat, Mary Kadderly, Megan James & Kelly Pierce

[ROCK & BLUES] The title says Rhythm & Blues, but there's plenty of diversity at this year's holiday show. Linda Hornbuckle belts out blues, jazz and gospel tunes, while Lisa Mann plays everything from back-porch blues to radio-ready pop. Margo Tufo sings more traditional blues with a rock-leaning band, and puts on one of the liveliest shows you're likely to see at tonight's party.  CASEY JARMAN. 7:30 pm. Mount Tabor Legacy, 4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 232-0450. $15. 21+. Map

Toyz N the Hood: Cool Nutz, Tragedy, Siren's Echo, DJ Chill, Twisted Insane, Liquid Anthrax, Traumatize Immortal

[WHAAA?] Christmas brings folks together. I don't know if I've ever seen a better example of that than Cool Nutz co-headlining a show with Tragedy at Rock 'N' Roll Pizza. Tragedy's murder rap appeals to Juggalos and mall rats with plenty of pent-up aggression; Cool Nutz has a bit of a different following—with roots in G-funk and a knack for slightly more realistic urban storytelling. Only old St. Nick and the spirit of Christmas could get these two together for a toy drive. Last year, Nutz held a similar event that gathered over 700 toys for the Salvation Army. This year's goal is 1,000. Admission is free when you bring a toy. "Adult" and/or mutilated toys (I'm talking to you, Tragedy fans!) should be left at home. CASEY JARMAN. 7 pm. Rock 'N' Roll Pizza, 11140 SE Powell Blvd., 760-7646. Free. All ages. Map

A Weather, Super XX Man, Love Menu

[INDIE FOLK] 2007 has been good to A Weather. We saw Pitchfork and a handful of other notable music blogs championing the band's quiet, oft-sensual folk pop, plus shows with Bright Eyes and the release of a Team Love 7-inch, The Feather Test. The band's full album is slated to follow this March: Always nice to see the good guys (and gal) win. That said, we have high hopes for the slow and steady music of Super XX Man's Scott Garred in ’08. A music therapist by trade, Garred funnels a profound sense of calm and a desire for understanding into his quiet, meditative pop. That might sound New Age, but it's not—Garred (who cut his teeth with indie-pop outfit Silver Scooter) often comes off like an introverted John Darnielle, with songs that are as funny as they are precious. CASEY JARMAN. 9 pm. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. $6. 21+. Map

Gregory Miles Harris, The Floods, Ashley Dunham, Matt Gilligan, Rian O' Hara, Tommy Suitcase

[QUIRK POP] See profile. 9:30 pm. Towne Lounge, 714 SW 20th Place., 241-8696. $3. 21+. Map

A Man Vanishes

Onward drives the NW Film Center into the canon of Japanese director Shohei Imamura, whose films focused on what he termed "the relationship of the lower part of the human body and the lower part of the social structure." In its final installments, the series focuses on Imamura's work from the past 20 years. That means a hairdresser-cum-brothel owner (Zegen, 7 pm Thursday, Dec. 20), a man whose only friend is an eel (The Eel, 7 pm Friday, Dec. 21) a physician fixated on curing hepatitis (Dr. Akagi, 7 pm Saturday, Dec. 22) and, most memorably, a woman whose orgasms flood the local canals (Warm Water Under a Red Bridge, 7 pm Sunday, Dec. 23). You go, lower parts!

Messiah and Music for Christmas

Resistance is futile: Messiah is back. And for the first time in a decade, PBO artistic director Monica Huggett leads the work (the full piece is heard Saturday and Sunday and the shows are already sold out), with a clutch of new soloists. Chief among them is soprano Yulia van Doren, an attractively voiced young soprano making some noise on the early music circuit, and a student in Dawn Upshaw's new master's program in voice at Bard College. Also up: Seattle tenor Ross Hauck, returning mezzo Elspeth Franks and genre-bending baritone Peter Becker. Cappella Romana (this writer included) is the collaborating chorus. And on the Thursday-Friday programs, the first chunk of Messiah is offered, alongside the Locatelli Christmas Concerto and two infrequently heard Russian choral works: the Bortnyansky Choral Concerto and Vasily Titov Magnificat. STEPHEN MARC BEAUDOIN. First Baptist Church, 909 SW 11th Ave., 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday, Dec. 20-22. Call 800-494-8497 for tickets. $18-$48. All ages. Map

DIY, Portland: Too Hot For the Radio Listening Party

“DIY, Portland, ” a local radio show that covers do-it-yourself projects from crafts to home funerals, takes on perhaps the ultimate DIY activity—masturbation. Due to its provocative subject matter, it will not be broadcast. Fortunately, host (and former WW intern) Julie Sabatier will be hosting a listening party for the episode—which features sex columnist Dan Savage and Portland’s Isis Leeor, creator of the seminar, “Look Ma, No Hands!”—in all its raunchy glory. The episode will also be available at destinationdiy.com. The Waypost, 3120 N Williams Ave., 367-3182. 7 pm. Free. Map

Friday December 21top

Biglittlethings

Imago's endearing (and good) holiday show is back, fresh from a tour to Macau, China. Polar bears, worms, fish, anteaters and all. BEN WATERHOUSE. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., 231-3959. 7:30 pm fridays, 2 and 7 pm Saturdays, noon and 3 pm Sundays, 3 pm Jan. 2-4. $16-$31. All ages. Map

L Pro, Thorn City Improv, Cool Nutz, Destro, Soul P, Syndel, Libretto, Mic Crenshaw, DJ Sneakers

[HIP-HOP] See album review. 9 pm. Berbati's Pan, 231 SW Ankeny St., 248-4579. Free. 21+. Map

Stephen Malkmus & the Jicks, Blitzen Trapper

[A LITTLE LOOSER ABOUT EVERYTHING] It'll have been three whole years since Face the Truth when the Jicks' upcoming Real Emotional Trash finally hits the streets in March, and boy am I ready for some new jammy psych-rock love from Malkmus & Co. Sure, his voice pouring out of Cate Blanchett's mouth in I'm Not There was pretty rad (if not a little weird, though never as weird as Christian Bale employing Mason Jennings' roller-coaster croon), and his solo spot at MusicfestNW a few years back was a real treat, but I'm ready for the rock—and I'm willing to bet I'm not alone. As Jicks bassist Joanna Bolme put it in a recent interview, the Jicks are "just a little looser about everything" (in comparison to her work with Quasi). They're also total chameleons, switching from all-out, high-energy rock ’n’ roll ("Baby C’mon") to earnest indie-rock classics ("Church on White") and space-rock hippie jams ("1% of One") with the greatest of ease. And they do it all under the helm of Malkmus' lackadaisical vocals and always surprisingly masterful guitar playing. He even writes a totally solid straight-up pop song ("Jenny & the Ess-Dog," "Vanessa from Queens") every now and again. AMY MCCULLOUGH. 9 pm. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. $15. 21+. Map

Mary Flower, Jesse Withers

[BLUES] Should we read Jackstraw bassist Jesse Withers' last name as an ironic, next-generation meta-commentary on the surname of his mother, singer-guitarist Mary Flower? Get it—Flower, Withers? Now there's a bluesy concept. At any rate, mom's career is flowering, not withering. In fact, she's just been nominated for a Blues Music Award (formerly known as the W.C. Handy Award) as Acoustic Artist of the Year for her recent compilation disc, Instrumental Breakdown. This weekend, she performs both solo and duets with her son, promising a mix of tunes more geared to escaping than wallowing in the so-called joys of the season. JEFF ROSENBERG. 7 pm. McMenamins Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale., 669-8610. Free. 21+. Map

Juicy: Thizz Pizz w/ DJs Beyonda & Rad

[OLD SCHOOL AND ELECTRO] Juicy is getting juicier! Every week, DJs Rad and Beyonda seem to raise the stakes—bringing the best vinyl to ensure maximum dancing and recruiting their best local DJ friends to share space on the decks. Lately, the Juicy folk have imported the best DJs from other cities and countries, as well, ensuring Juicy holds it down as one of the best dance nights in Portland. There's really no question of where to spend your Friday night the first and third weeks of each month. NILINA MASON-CAMPBELL. 9 pm. Rotture, 315 SE 3rd Ave., 234-5683. $3. 21+. Map

Saturday December 22top

Hot Cider Kayak Tours

A "thermos of hot apple cider infused with a fresh cinnamon stick” is almost reason enough to take this three-hour kayak tour, but the incentives don’t stop at your watering hole of a mouth. There's also the stellar destination: Sand Lake—a “shallow marine-dominated estuary” off the Oregon Coast that can only be fully explored during the highest of tides, and even then only for a few short hours. That’s where the guides of Kayak Tillamook County (incentive No. 3) come in. They know which deep channels to navigate and even manage to make multiple stops along the way to point out the local history and abundant wildlife without leaving you to sandbar surf. Be sure to check out their impressive page of eco-ethics at kayaktillamook.com before you go and read about the group's mascot. It may just inspire you to dress up in a red-legged frog suit, hop in a kayak and get all flippity-floppity with a paddle! Additional Sand Lake tour dates: Jan. 5-6 and 19-20, Feb. 19 and March 6-8. Sand Lake, Tillamook County., 866-4808. 8:30 am-noon Saturday, 9 am-12:30 pm Sunday. Call 866-4808 for reservations. Easy-Moderate. $65 (includes equipment, cider, snacks and half-hour lesson).

Shoeshine Blue, Ali Wesley, Jack Elder

[MIXED CHRISTMAS FOLK BAG] I'm not sure if this roundup of Portland folksters is set to include Lennon covers or choirs of children led by stigmatized Asian girlfriends, but it's being billed as "So This Is Christmas." Covers aside, some originals should be in store as well, and all three acts delight in different ways. From opener Jack Elder's gentle, grunge-affected singer-songwriter fare—which doesn't skimp on the Enigk-like drama or femmy vocals—to the cute ’n’ clever folk pop of Elder's gal, Ali Wesley (also of Super XX Man). Finish the night off with a bourbon nog and a dose of Shoeshine Blue's creepy blues-folk-country mélange (imagine Andrew Bird and a lovely female ghost singing at an old bluesman's funeral), and, well, it is Christmas after all. AMY MCCULLOUGH. 9 pm. Also see Wednesday listing. Alberta Street Public House, 1036 NE Alberta St., 284-7665. $5. 21+. Map

Everybody Say Ho Ho Ho!: Rev. Shines, MC Braille, Theory Hazit, Darel Junior, Garden Entertainment, Barry Hampton & the Triple Grip

[HIP-HOP] Some of Portland hip-hop's finest step out to celebrate Christmas at the Doug Fir tonight, including two Portland heavyweights wrapping up their most successful years yet—the Lifesavas' Rev. Shines and Lightheaded's Braille. If the fellas (and the women of the Triple Grip, of course) seem extra stoked for the season, it's because many of Stumptown's finest are also fans of the Big Man Upstairs. You might hear a couple of J-bombs dropped tonight, but nothing heavy-handed. If a wayward soul like me can get down to the funkiest Christmas party in Portland, I bet it won't bug you heathens much, either. Get there early for the soulful sounds of Hampton and his crew, and keep a special eye out for Ohio-based Braille collaborator Theory Hazit's throwback beats. CASEY JARMAN. 9 pm. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 231-9663. $10. 21+. Map

Mary Flower, Jesse Withers

[BLUES] See Friday listing. 7 pm. McMenamins Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale., 669-8610. Free. 21+. Map

The Party Project

If you’re not already dancing in The Party Project—and at last count, at least 30 people were—you’re still invited to the party. Tahni Holt, mastermind of the late Monster Squad dance troupe, is South Waterfront’s artist in residence this month, and in that seasonal spirit, she has crafted movement for dancers and non-dancers alike based on movies with party themes. The dancers will perform inside glass-walled buildings; viewers (hot drinks in hand) will stroll around the periphery, catching glimpses of the action from sidewalks and balconies. HEATHER WISNER. Bella Espresso Cafe, 3580 SW River Parkway., 467-7532. Meet at the Bella Espresso Cafe at 4 pm Saturday, Dec. 22. Free. All ages. Map

Sweatin' Like the Oldies

Last week, Devil’s Point hosted a contest for bad Christmas sweaters and mustaches. This week, the bill has been split. What’s with people's fixation on grandfatherly clothing and facial hair? First it was Mustaches for Kids’ Stache Bash, now Slabtown is doing it good and proper with a Christmas-sweater party that also features a geriatric party event: the cake walk. You know what? Fuck yeah! Cake and Cosby sweaters are the perfect combination, and between the heavy layers of tackily woven wool and the massive amount of saturated fat contained in a cake, the prospect of a DJ-fueled dance party is the stuff of sweaty dreams. Perhaps the cake consumption will transform the smell of B.O. into the glorious scent of a bakery in the morning. Regardless, it’s a night of bad fashion, bad eating habits and badass dance moves—an excellent combination for a pre-holiday romp. Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th Ave., 223-0099. 9 pm. 21+. Free. Map

Sunday December 23top

Réveillon de Noël

Face it. Some people cannot cook. And some of those people are your family members. So give them the gift of a well-cooked goose. Castagna, Southeast Hawthorne Boulevard's long-standing bastion of deliciousness, ratchets up the seasonal bliss with a Réveillon de Noël feast—that’d be the French’s masterful excuse to create an edible Yule log. Castagna's family-style bash comes complete with the traditional goose, roasted veggies, two glasses of wine and, yes, a bûche de Noël. Again, that’s a cake, shaped like a log, often decorated with marzipan mushrooms. How can you pass that up? Genius. Castagna, 1752 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 231-7373. 6:30 pm. $55 per person. Call for reservations. Map

Mary Flower, Jesse Withers

[BLUES] See Friday listing. 5 pm. McMenamins Edgefield, 2126 SW Halsey St., Troutdale., 669-8610. Free. 21+. Map

Maria Muldaur & Her Red Hot Bluesiana Band

[BLUES] Having sold out the early show, Maria Muldaur has added another performance this evening on her Naughty Bawdy Christmas Tour. The vocal powerhouse and savvy song archaeologist recently released Naughty, Bawdy and Blue, completing her trilogy of collections of tunes by classic women blues singers such as Sippie Wallace, Bessie Smith, Ma Rainey and Victoria Spivey. Apparently, Muldaur's found a few off-color holiday songs to add to that repertoire. This rockin' holiday music-history lesson should go down as warm, smooth and easy as a vat of egg nog loaded up with rum. Yum! JEFF ROSENBERG. 5 & 7:30 pm. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895. $25 advance, $27 day of show. 21+. Map

Monday December 24top

Christmas Eve Brunch

Don't say the folk at Simpatica never gave you anything for Christmas this year. The hard-working catering/dining room outfit just announced it'll be open for brunch this Christmas Eve, serving eggs benedict, stratas, frittatas and, of course, that dynamite fried chicken n' waffles combo among other seasonal hits. Bonus: Reservations are available for parties of eight or more. Why bother waiting until Xmas Day? Just grab the family and open your presents at Simpatica's table. Visit simpaticacatering.com for more info. Simpatica, 828 SE Ash St., 235-1600. 9 am-1 pm. Regular menu prices. Map

Tuesday December 25top

Christmas Day Buffet

Santa has his workshop, while gluttons have the Heathman's annual food bacchanal, the Christmas day buffet. Seriously, where else can you find vittles like grilled octopus salad and roasted prime rib, salmon coulibiac and smoked trout, butternut squash soup, chocolate candy cane mousse cake and glorious, glorious cheese all ready and waiting to be added to your plate (and stomach)? This year chef Philippe Boulot and co. ups the ante with a special à la carte holiday menu for brunch and dinner (available Friday-Tuesday, Dec. 21-25 and Monday-Tuesday, Dec. 31 and Jan. 1). Key words: ginger pumpkin pancakes, Kobe beef with truffles, grilled elk, sweetbreads and eggnog gelato float. Heathman Restaurant and Bar, 1001 SW Broadway., 790-7752. Call for seating times. Buffet $52 per adult; $18 children 12 and under. Map

 And So This is Christmas...

It’s Christmas Day. The author of this article is balls-deep in eggnog, and most businesses are closed. Are you really looking to It List for something to do? Everybody else will tell you to go help at a soup kitchen, or make a wish come true, or maybe just take a minute or two to make somebody’s day better. And indeed, I’m not discouraging such behavior. Spread some cheer. Make the world a better place. But if you get bored after you’re done promoting peace on earth and goodwill toward men, here are a few ideas to make the best of your Christmas: Eat some greasy Chinese food and ruin your favorite Christmas songs, karaoke-style, at the Ambassador (4744 NE Sandy Blvd., 280-0330). Listen to Wham!’s Last Christmas on repeat until your head explodes. Sharpen candy canes into shivs. Google “frankincense + myrrh” and figure out just what the hell those Wise Men were pushing on baby Jesus. Feast on a 7-Eleven buffet. Punch a Salvation Army bell-ringer. Have a fruitcake-tossing contest. Catch an elf and exploit it for cheap labor. Drool all over a different kind of Christmas stocking at Mary’s Club (129 SW Broadway, 227-3023, open at 4:30 pm). Bob for Christmas-tree ornaments in a bucket of 100-proof eggnog. Watch a classic Christmas movie like Die Hard, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night or How the Wench Banged Christmas. Kill a tree. Put shitty gifts up on Craigslist. Start rewrapping shitty Christmas gifts for next year. Burn shitty gifts in the fireplace. Feliz navidad, bitches. Mary's Club, 129 SW Broadway., 227-3023. all day. 21+. Not so free. Map

Santa's Comin'

Better watch out, Bub. Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th Ave., All ages. Map