Wednesday December 19top

The Not-So-Secret ’Stache

Portland’s fascination with mustaches on young men is equally hilarious and slightly disturbing. To the unknowing visitor, the city could look like a time-warp to the late ’70s, when lip caddies were a sign of status, despite the fact that they make men look like they just walked out of the To Catch a Predator house. Which makes the prospect of the Mustaches for Kids organization all the more wacky—people grow mustaches for charity events benefiting children, yet these mustaches are often the kind of facial accessories that would immediately raise suspicion anywhere within 500 feet of a school. But if you’ve gotta rock the lipwarmer, it’s best to do it with style. That’s the big appeal of the Stache Bash, Mustaches for Kids’ big fundraiser and fashion show. ’Staches of all sorts will be on display—broomlike Sam Elliott mustaches, pervy John Waters mustaches, peachy Nicollette Sheridan mustaches. But, in the case of the Bash’s competition, only the bushy will survive—after all, Mustaches for Kids is all about length of ’stache after a long growing season. At the “cross between a beauty pageant, dog show and police lineup,” pageant contestants will strut their shit on walkways, recite haikus, endure trivia and test their facial hair’s beer-foam retention ability. Proceeds go to the Make-A-Wish Foundation. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 239-7639. 10 pm. 21+. $3 minimum donation. Map

Friday December 21top

Last Comic Standing

As 10 stand-up comedians make their professional debuts, epic questions are bound to be answered. The most pressing of which is an age-old question that all post-Seinfeld comedians have struggled with: What, indeed, is the deal with airline food? The answer to this question—and many other others— could make or break these comedians as they take the stage at the Bagdad for their first time in the spotlight. Bagdad Theater & Pub, 3702 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 236-9234. 10 pm. All ages. $3 minimum donation. Map

Saturday December 22top

Sweatin' Like the Oldies

Last week, Devil’s Point hosted a contest for bad Christmas sweaters and mustaches. This week, the bill has been split. What’s with people's fixation on grandfatherly clothing and facial hair? First it was Mustaches for Kids’ Stache Bash, now Slabtown is doing it good and proper with a Christmas-sweater party that also features a geriatric party event: the cake walk. You know what? Fuck yeah! Cake and Cosby sweaters are the perfect combination, and between the heavy layers of tackily woven wool and the massive amount of saturated fat contained in a cake, the prospect of a DJ-fueled dance party is the stuff of sweaty dreams. Perhaps the cake consumption will transform the smell of B.O. into the glorious scent of a bakery in the morning. Regardless, it’s a night of bad fashion, bad eating habits and badass dance moves—an excellent combination for a pre-holiday romp. Slabtown, 1033 NW 16th Ave., 223-0099. 9 pm. 21+. Free. Map

Tuesday December 25top

 And So This is Christmas...

It’s Christmas Day. The author of this article is balls-deep in eggnog, and most businesses are closed. Are you really looking to It List for something to do? Everybody else will tell you to go help at a soup kitchen, or make a wish come true, or maybe just take a minute or two to make somebody’s day better. And indeed, I’m not discouraging such behavior. Spread some cheer. Make the world a better place. But if you get bored after you’re done promoting peace on earth and goodwill toward men, here are a few ideas to make the best of your Christmas: Eat some greasy Chinese food and ruin your favorite Christmas songs, karaoke-style, at the Ambassador (4744 NE Sandy Blvd., 280-0330). Listen to Wham!’s Last Christmas on repeat until your head explodes. Sharpen candy canes into shivs. Google “frankincense + myrrh” and figure out just what the hell those Wise Men were pushing on baby Jesus. Feast on a 7-Eleven buffet. Punch a Salvation Army bell-ringer. Have a fruitcake-tossing contest. Catch an elf and exploit it for cheap labor. Drool all over a different kind of Christmas stocking at Mary’s Club (129 SW Broadway, 227-3023, open at 4:30 pm). Bob for Christmas-tree ornaments in a bucket of 100-proof eggnog. Watch a classic Christmas movie like Die Hard, Gremlins, Silent Night, Deadly Night or How the Wench Banged Christmas. Kill a tree. Put shitty gifts up on Craigslist. Start rewrapping shitty Christmas gifts for next year. Burn shitty gifts in the fireplace. Feliz navidad, bitches. Mary's Club, 129 SW Broadway., 227-3023. all day. 21+. Not so free. Map

Santa's Comin'

Better watch out, Bub. Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th Ave., All ages. Map