Wednesday January 16top

Jurassic Portland

Animatronics have come a long way from the rickety robots of ye olde Disneyland. Compared with almost any other robotic-creature ride, the creatures in Walking With Dinosaurs are incredibly realistic. It looks like a dream come true for any anybody who has ever had a dinosaur fixation—which, by my calculations, is pretty much everybody who believes the Earth is more than 3,000 years old. That’s because dinosaurs are the shiznit, and Walking With Dinosaurs features thunder lizards moving freely, attacking one another, eating and protecting their young, all without the obnoxious stammering of Jeff Goldblum for comic relief. But unlike the monsters in Jurassic Park, these dinosaurs pose no threat to humans—they’re just incredibly lifelike dino-replicas who run no risk of rampaging through the crowd, devouring the innocent. I’ll spare the boring details about how Walking With Dinosaurs is based on a BBC series by some dude named Bruce MacTaggart. Who the hell cares? Walking With Dinosaurs features HUGE ROBOT DINOSAURS. We’re not talking about some sort of The Land Before Time on Ice malarkey. We’re talking about a massive T-rex, a spiny stegosaurus and a long-necked brachiosaurus—10 species in all—all cinematically prancing around the floor of the Rose Garden arena. OK, before I start overflowing with nerd juice, I need to calm down and look at the reality of Walking With Dinosaurs. Technically, they’re not robots. They’re gigantic puppets controlled by offstage puppeteers using “voodoo rigs,” which allow the puppeteers to transmit commands electronically. Actually, maybe that means the lizards could go on a kill-crazy rampage through the audience, at the whim of some deranged dino puppeteer. Man, this just keeps getting better and better, and it’s only the beginning of a yearlong dino conspiracy between the town’s museums. OMSI, the Oregon Zoo, the Portland Children’s Museum and many other educational agencies are holding dinosaur-related events throughout the year, and you can bet your weight in triceratops droppings It List will be all over it. 2008 isn’t just the Year of the Rat anymore. See Headout Picks for more. Rose Garden, 1401 N Wheeler Ave., 235-8771. 7 pm Wednesday, 11 am and 7 pm Thursday, 7 pm Friday, 11 am, 3 and 7 pm Saturday and 1 pm Sunday, Jan. 16-20. All ages. $32-$69.50. Map

Saturday January 19top

Bully Buster

Hey doofus, nice lunchbox. Did your mommy cut the crusts off your peanut butter sandwich and leave a little “I love you” note in there? I oughta kick your ass just for wasting space. Next time I see you, I’m going to give you a wedgie so atomic you’ll taste your underpants for weeks to some. Then I’m going to take a picture of you and keep it until you’re grown up, then I’ll show it to your kids. Oh, that’s right, you have to have sex to have kids, so I guess that’s not gonna happen. You’re so fucking lame. I can’t believe you cried after that swirlie. What’s that? You spent the weekend learning anti-bully kung fu at TNT Martial Arts’ free Bully Buster Personal Defense Seminar, where kids age 6-10 learned verbal and physical confrontation techniques? And if I keep making your life miserable, you’ll have my nuts in a vise? Shit. The guys at TNT really mean business. You win—the bully has become the bullied. Oh well. My parole officer said I shouldn’t be picking on 10-year-olds anyway, especially with this restraining order. TNT MArtial Arts, 1300 NE 48th Ave., Suite 1600., (503) 640-8400. 1-3 pm. All ages. Free. Map

Here, Kitty Kitty Kitty    

For years now, vaudevillian vixen Miz Kitty has been compiling an old-school variety show flashback known simply as Miz Kitty’s Parlour. Now, with circusy hijinks in full swing at Batty’s Hippodrome, Miz Kitty’s show is the elder statesman of hodgepodgery, weirdness and the genre of the unclassifiable. The Parlour takes place on the third Saturday of every month through September in Kitty’s newest den, the Mission Theater. The show represents the variety shows of a bygone era, touring groups with no real relation except their shticks, the kind of entertainment that nearly went extinct with the wagon trains carrying its original performers. As with every show presented by Kitty, Saturday’s lineup is another exercise in multitalented lunacy. On the physical-performance side of the spectrum are Leapin’ Louie, a lassoing and juggling cowboy performer, and the hypnotic shimmy of belly-dancer Yasmira. Musically, the show’s equally off the wall, with the swing-jazz sounds of the Tune Stranglers, the Canote Brothers strumming ukuleles, and, perhaps most interestingly, Trashcan Joe, a group of hobos who play instruments from the dump. The whole shebang is emceed by the illustrious and eccentric Miz Kitty, making for a well-rounded night of bizarre antics and a truly unique experience. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 223-4527. 7 pm. 21+. $12. Map