Thursday February 14top

Pussy Control  

There are many reasons to get a cat spayed or neutered. Some do it to control the population. Some do it so the ghostly spirit of Bob Barker will stop brooding over their bedside with a pair of tiny scissors. But we all know that the real reason for lopping off a kitty’s reproductive organs is the fact that cats are jerks, and given the opportunity they’d overpopulate the earth, leaving the planet covered in hairballs and clawmarks and reeking like ammonia. Every cute and cuddly kitten grows up to be a cat, and cats with reproductive organs will yelp, yowl and urinate until another cat mates with it, creating another litter of kittens who will, in turn, grow up to yelp, yowl and urinate until they, too, mate. Before you know it, the world is covered with more fur than—well, insert your own dirty joke here. Cats must be stopped from world domination, lest we all live in an Andrew Lloyd Webber nightmare. We simply can’t have leotard-clad animals singing about Heaviside lairs and Gumbie Cats—think of the rising suicide rate! But damn, can spaying and neutering be expensive! Luckily for low-income cat owners, a coalition of local vets is participating in the seventh annual Tom & Mom Cat Special, where you can give your cat the ultimate Valentine’s Day gift—a set of stitches where its testes or ovaries used to be—for a mere $10. The celebration of neuterization begins Feb. 14 and ends on St. Paddy’s Day (March 17), which means you can buy kitty a shot of whiskey after the surgery. Me-ouch! Multiple locations, , For locations, call 292-6628, ext. 2, or visit spayoregon.org. All ages. $10. Map

Whip it Real Good

The Jupiter Hotel is a fine establishment, to be sure, and cleanly to boot. But with the Valentine’s Day event Whipped @ The Jupiter, the cleaning staff might do well to stock up on disinfectant for the morning of the 15th. Whipped, produced by Roxana Hannah, is an alternative to Hallmark cards and teddy-bear bouquet bullshit associated with St. Valentine. The party, open to singles and couples alike, features dinner by John Ricci, formerly a chef at Carlyle, booze and music by DJ Mr. Mumu. And where could a randy couple (or trio, quintet or menagerie) go after a nice romantic evening under the tent of the Jupiter? The hipster hotel has partnered with Spartacus (naughty, naughty) to present Love and Lust packages, available through Valentine’s Day. Packages come with many sexy options, ranging from in-room lingerie and champagne to traditional date-night concert tickets at the adjoining Doug Fir, or intimate fun with a Spartacus Luv Kit. That makes Whipped open for interpretation—you can be whipped by feelings of unending love, or whipped endlessly by your love with a cat o’ nine tails. Just be sure to use whatever protection comes with that love kit, lest you be dealing with a different sort of V.D. next February. Jupiter Hotel, 800 E Burnside St., 230-9200. 6 pm-1 am. All ages. $40. Map

Friday February 15top

Digging in the Dirt     

Damn? Where are all tha hos this weekend? And what about the dirtbags and the rakes? OK, that’s just too easy, so we’ll stick to the facts. This weekend, the Convention Center is catering to everyone’s inner agrarian with an extravaganza of one of Portland’s favorite activities: gardening. The 2008 Yard, Garden & Patio Show is a smorgasbord of gardening gear featuring 10 indoor sample gardens, more than 300 vendors and enough green-thumbed experts to cultivate a cornfield in Antarctica. New this year is a special auction where celebrities—ranging from Seattle-born Numb3rs hottie Aya Sumika to local “celebs” like PSU coach Jerry Glanville—team up to create unique garden containers to benefit the Humane Society. Whether growing a small plant, a massive veggie garden or an international ganja harvest, there’s something for everybody. Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 235-7575. 10 am-9 pm (Friday-Saturday), 10 am-6 pm (Sunday). All ages. $11. Map

Saturday February 16top

Artsy and Fartsy

Local funnyman Aaron Ross (comedy troupes Kick the Squirrel and Renob Control) has honed an ability to mesh high-concept ideas with lowbrow humor—a refined combo of artsy and fartsy, if you will. Last year, he tackled several characters for his one-man show Al Gore Memorial High School, an audience-participation experiment in improv and insanity. Now, like so many sketch performers before him, Ross has based an entire show on one character: the bizarre, slightly perverted Ed Forman. For The Ed Forman Show, With ME, ED FORMAN! Ross transplants his bad-wigged self-help guru—based on a real author whose works Ross discovered in a bargain bin—to a ’70s-style talk show, complete with a monologue, house band Thuggage, a sidekick and guest performers. Throughout the show Ross takes to the audience for volunteers, making the majority of the performance off the cuff. People are singled out for participation in such discomforting situations as drinking contests and an “In Bed with Ed” interview. That spontaneity makes each of Ross’ shows unique—it’s hard to guess how people will react to being the butt of a joke. Some unsuspecting victims flee with embarrassment, others steal the show. But Ross is a good enough showman to roll with the punches either way, making for a comedic and musical experience tailored to the audience. AudioCinema, 226 SE Madison St., 750-5363. 8 pm. See Performance listings for more. All ages. $8. Map