STAGE

The 24-Hour Plays

CoHo Productions locks 30 actors and four writers in a room for 24 hours to cast, direct and perform four original one-acts. It's always a fun time. The CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 220-2646. 8 pm Sunday, March 30. $20. All ages. Map

An Afternoon of One Acts

These three one-acts from Northwest Classical Theatre Company don’t have much in common besides an interest in apocalypse, and they make an uneven show. In Samuel Beckett’s "Krapp’s Last Tape," directed by Racheal Erickson, a 69-year-old man listens to a tape recording of his 39-year-old self, growing angry at his youthful enthusiasm. It’s a slow-moving play, but actor Daniel Shaw would have made Beckett proud. He’s struck the right balance between clowning and tragedy, slipping on a banana peel one breath, weeping the next. After intermission, the program heads downhill, concluding with two heavy-handed plays by Eugene O’Neill, directed by Grant Turner. Allison Anderson brings a wonderful, multilayered bitchiness (and an uncanny resemblance to Allison Janney) to the role of Mrs. Rowland—a wife who nags her offstage husband in "Before Breakfast"—but unfortunately the script can’t match her subtlety. "The Sniper," about Belgian peasants at the outset of World War I, is a genuine stinker. The cast has zero chemistry, and actor Kenichi Hillis appears wooden and constipated in his lead role. JOHN MINERVINI. Shoe Box Theater, 2110 SE 10th Ave., 971-244-3740. 2 pm Sundays. Closes March 30. $5. Map

The Bible: The Complete Word of God (abridged)

What’s the best way to play the Bible in two acts? Follow the example of this show’s musical nuns—take a double shot of Gordon’s dry gin and “go to.” Cacophony Productions’ debut features Terrance and Phillip as Pharisees and Sadducees, Paris Hilton as Salome, a singalong Noah’s Ark, and an amateur magic show by (who else?) Jesus himself. Actors Royal Hebert, Phillip Meyer and Jeff Gardner work well as a comedic team—think Laurel and two Hardys, only one of the Hardys is in drag—and they’ve got a good script. One quibble: The song-and-dance numbers are underprepared. But what The Bible lacks in high-concept glitz and comedic finesse it makes up for in sheer balls. If there is a God, these guys have definitely pissed him off. JOHN MINERVINI. The Firehouse Theatre, 1436 SW Montgomery St., 310-0771. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes March 29. $7-$12. All ages. Map

Boxes and Escaping Chinatown

Penplay presents readings of new works by Jessamyn D. Rae and Lauren D. Yee, respectively. Conduit Dance Ballroom, 918 SW Yamhill, Suite 401., myspace.com/penplay. 8 pm Friday-Saturday, March 28-29. $8. Cash only. All ages. Map

Brody Jam

The Brodys bring in the alumni for an evening-long all-star show. The Brody Theater Studio, 3314 SW 1st Ave., door on Southwest Gibbs Street., 224-0688. 8 pm Saturday, March 29. $10, $7 students. All ages. Map

Cirque du Soleil: Corteo

Cirque du Soleil's latest show to hit Portland is something of a back-to-basics package, with little of the tacky flash of the company's Vegas shows. The usual series of acrobatic acts is strung together from the reminiscences and fantasies of a dying clown. The flimsy conceit evaporates entirely by the second half, but that's OK. There is one thing Cirque does better than anyone else, and it’s front and center here: beautiful people performing stunning feats of athleticism you could never even attempt. Lovely ladies in negligees spinning and writhing about, dangling from enormous, swinging chandeliers! Bare-chested men turning themselves into human wheels with huge silver rings! Boys bouncing 20 feet in the air on a springboard! And on and on and on. Unfortunately, there’s a lot of filler—boring comedic sketches that let the acrobats take a rest but pad the show beyond a reasonable runtime. Is it perfect? No. Is it worth the price of entry? Oh yeah. Grand Chapiteau, Southwest Moody Avenue, by the Marquam Bridge., 800-678-5440. 8 pm Tuesdays-Thursdays, 4 and 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 1 and 5 pm Sundays. Closes April 13. $35-$205. All ages. Map

The Diva Daughters DuPree

Kim Euell's comedy about a fractious reunion of three African-American sisters with very different life experiences, presented by PassinArt. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., 321-5163. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 3 pm Sundays. Closes April 13. $20. All ages. Map

Dreamgirls

[EXTENDED RUN] I’ve been harshly critical of Kirk Mouser’s work at Stumptown Stages over the past two years, so I hope you understand that I am entirely serious when I say Julianne Johnson-Weiss’ delivery of “And I Am Telling You I’m Not Going” is the most affecting musical performance of the season, period. She sings with enough emotional force to bring even the most reptilian critic to tears. Johnson-Weiss is in good company here: Joann Coleman gives a manic, aggressive performance as Deena, and towering Eugene Blackmon (Jimmy Early), sporting a James Brown wig and a succession of silly suits, pulls comic-relief duty while showing off his remarkable stylistic range. Are there problems? Oh, hell yeah. The chintzy set squeezes most of the non-nightclub action into a four-foot alleyway at the front of the stage, and the acting is passable at best and wooden at worst—besides Blackmon and Johnson-Weiss, none of the cast seems comfortable in his or her part once the music stops. But who cares? With singing this good, everything else is parsley. BEN WATERHOUSE. Interstate Firehouse Cultural Center, 5340 N Interstate Ave., 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes April 12. $25-$27. All ages. Map

The Full Monty

Greg Tamblyn directs his band of merry nudists at—wait—Lakewood? Wow. We hope they're keeping the defibrillators warmed up! Lakewood Center for the Arts, 368 S State St., Lake Oswego., 635-3901. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 7 pm Sundays, 2 pm March 16, April 6 and 13. Closes April 13. $26-$28. All ages. Map

Go, Dog. Go!

Kids of all ages will love this colorful, clever and comic production. The live band and over-the-top costumes set the Technicolor tone of the light-on-words show, a simple musical adaptation of P.D. Eastman’s classic book about the wacky lives of dogs. Parents of smaller kids, be prepared to seat your child on your lap for the whole show or bring your own thick booster seat—while some of the sets are vertical, action that happens on the stage itself can be difficult for wee ones to see from the pewlike seats. They won’t want to miss a wink! DEEDA SCHROEDER. NW Neighborhood Cultural Center, 1819 NW Everett St., 222-4480. Noon and 3 pm Saturdays-Sundays and March 25-28. Closes April 6. $10-$20. All ages. Map

The Jewish American Princesses Show

[EXTENDED RUN] Wendy Westerwelle and Francine Raften's new comedy revue, presented by Triangle Productions!, includes tips on being Jewish. The CoHo Theater, 2257 NW Raleigh St., 239-5919. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays. Closes April 26. $18-$23. All ages. Map

Jim Norton

The Opie and Anthony co-host drops into PCPA for one night. Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway., 224-4400. 8 pm Saturday, March 29. $29.50+ (Ticketmaster). All ages. Map

Landscape of the Body

In the latest installment of Profile Theatre Project's season of John Guare, Betty (Kelly Marchant), a pleasant single mother from Maine, comes to New York with her 14-year-old son, Bert (Derek Herman), to ask her no-good sister Rosalie (Jami Chatalas Blanchard) to come home. When Rosalie is killed by a careless cyclist (a truly hilarious cameo by a spandex-clad Danny Bruno), Betty takes over her apartment and her job at a fraudulent travel agency, and lives happily for a while—until her son is found floating headless in the Hudson River. It’s a grisly premise, and Guare treats it with his usual mix of flippant whimsy and grim misanthropy. He spends too much time telling us about Betty's sordid affairs without showing them, and sorting out exactly what's going on becomes a tiresome exercise. BEN WATERHOUSE. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 242-0080. 8 pm Thursdays-Fridays, 2 pm Sundays. Closes April 6. $10-$28. All ages. Map

Les Misérables

Staged! Portland's Musical Theatre Series undertakes an underage production of the Show That Would Not Die, with a cast of local students aged 9-20. Proceeds from April 14 show benefit the Gulu Rehabilitation Center for Children War in Uganda, East Africa. World Trade Center, 121 SW Salmon St., stagedpdx.org. 7:30 pm Fridays, 2 and 7:30 pm Saturdays, 4 pm Sundays; 7 pm Monday, April 14. Closes April 14. $21-$25. All ages. Map

The Liberators

Long-form improv with John Breen and company. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 288-3895. 7:30 pm Sunday. $8. 21+. Map

Scotland Road

Integrity Productions presents Jeffrey Hatcher's thriller about a mysterious Titanic survivor and a whole lotta killin'. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 286-3456. 8 pm Thursdays-Saturdays, 4 pm Sundays. Closes April 5. $15. Thursdays are sliding scale $5 and up. All ages. Map

Star of Hope

The three set designers (Director Lorraine Bahr, Barry Hunt and Brett Beserock) for Sowelu Theatre’s remount of Lea Floden’s 1995 Drammy-winning comedy have accomplished the seemingly impossible task of transforming the Back Door Theater into a pleasant living room. The cramped, cold, mildewed venue has recently made an excellent barracks, a prison and a kangaroo court in the Romanian mountains; now it’s actually cozy. A storage room masquerading as a home is an apt setting for this absurdist play in which no one is who they say they are: A nice couple take a pregnant girl into their home—only she isn’t pregnant, and they aren’t that nice. The very fine cast plays the layered false identities for laughs, and the first hour or so is excellent. But the script’s Pinteresque menace devolves into Pythonesque silliness—aliens are involved—and pointless pistol-waving, and delight at the show’s mysteries turns to irritation. This show needs a rewrite, not a revival. The Back Door Theater, 4319 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 730-9066. 8 pm Thursday-Saturdays, 4 pm Sundays. Closes April 5. $12-$18. All ages. Map

Swingers

Curious Comedy presents an evening of improv comedy. Theater! Theatre!, 3430 SE Belmont St., 432-8633. 10:30 pm Saturdays. Closes April 5. $10. Map

This Is a Test

A comedic take on test anxiety by Stephen Gregg, performed by Northwest Children's Theater's KidsProNW. NW Neighborhood Cultural Center, 1819 NW Everett St., 222-4480. 7 pm Wednesday-Saturday, March 26-29. $6-$10. All ages. Map

Throwing Bones

A grieving mother (Gretchen Corbett) goes to South Africa to meet a traditional healer, Tata (Victor Mack), and find out if he might have been able to help her daughter. Based on director Maureen Towey’s experiences in South Africa, staged in a nursing classroom and punctuated with African drumming and dance, there are about a million ways this new production by Sojourn Theatre could have fallen into tiresome cliché. It doesn’t. While certainly not the best work we’ve seen from this company, Throwing Bones succeeds as an examination of culture clash, medical and otherwise. Hannah Treuhaft gives a remarkable performance as a white South African with a mysterious ailment who gives up on Western medicine and, despite her skepticism, turns to the sangoma for care. Other noteworthy moments: the emotional climax of dance and drums and dirt, and the best visual pun of the season. Garden beds? BEN WATERHOUSE. Concordia University Nursing Skills Lab, 2805 NE Liberty St., #M105., 971-544-0464. 8 pm Thursdays-Sundays. Closes April 13. $10-$15. All ages. Map

Who Stole My Dead Husband?

Lou Pallotta’s Italo-sploitation family dinner theater, starring Jim Caputo. Madison's East Wing, 1125 SE Madison St., 800-966-8865. 7:30 pm Fridays-Saturdays. Open-ended run. $64-$69, dinner included. All ages. Map

Why Can't I Marry the Cute Beatle?

Sharon Knorr's one-woman show about the past 10 years of her life, touching on the death of her child and her performance in Hot Flashes: The Musical. West End Theater, 1220 SW Taylor St., 699-3309. 8 pm Fridays-Saturdays. Closes March 29. $18-$22. All ages. Map

CLASSICAL

Angela Hewitt

When it comes to Bach, Angela Hewitt is the bee’s knees. Her performances have been lavishly praised in Gramophone and The New York Times, and her eleven-year project to record all of Bach’s major keyboard works has been described as “one of the record glories of our age.” These days, she’s devoted her entire 2007-2008 touring season—which includes stops in London, Zurich, New York, Tokyo, Sydney and Cape Town—to performing The Well-Tempered Clavier in its entirety. And guess what? She’s coming to Portland. JOHN MINERVINI. Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway., 248-4335. 4 pm Sunday, March 30. 7:30 pm Tuesday, April 1. $24-$42. Map

Balkan Circus Party

San Francisco-based Brass Menazeri and Portland’s Vagabond Opera team up to create an evening of Eastern European music, cabaret and burlesque. Fresh from their European debut, Vagabond is throwing a homecoming party, which will feature new songs and music, as well as fire-dancing and hoola-hooping. DJ Ruckus will spin between sets. JOHN MINERVINI. Someday Lounge, 125 NW 5th Ave., 248-1030. 9 pm Wednesday, March 26. $10-$12. Map

Eliyahu & Qadim

“Qadim” is a word shared by the Hebrew and Arabic languages; it means “that which precedes” as well as “that which will come.” It’s a fitting enough description for this group, whose music spans cultures and generations, celebrating common musical and spiritual heritage. Eliyahu Sills leads an ensemble which includes the nay (reed flute), the bansuri (bamboo flute), the oud (Middle Eastern lute) and tabla drums. They will perform instrumental pieces and sing in Hebrew, Arabic, Greek, Turkish, Farsi, and Ladino. JOHN MINERVINI. Dharma Rain Center, 2539 SE Madison Street., 239-4846. 7:30 pm Saturday, March 29. $15. Map

Jennifer Larmore

Atlanta-born Jennifer Larmore has the distinction of being the most-recorded mezzo-soprano of all time: She has been featured on over 70 CDs to date, and one of her most recent, Humperdinck: Hansel and Gretel, won a Grammy. She’s not bad live, either—her acclaimed performances at the Met include Strauss’s Die Fledermaus and Picker’s An American Tragedy. Accompanied by pianist Antoine Palloc, she will perform pieces by Mozart, Bizet and Rossini, among others. JOHN MINERVINI. Kaul Auditorium at Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd., 777-7755. 7:30 pm Friday, March 28. $5-$37. Map

Opus One

Come hear the West Coast premiere of “Green Torso,” composer Marc Neikrug’s musical contemplation on a Hopi sculpture. What’s a “West Coast premiere,” you ask? It means that we got it before California and Washington, but not before New York (or weirdly, in this case, New Mexico). The piece will be performed by acclaimed chamber ensemble Opus One, a quartet that has played in some of the most prestigious venues across the country. Other pieces on the program include Mozart’s Quartet in G Minor for Piano and Strings, and Dvorak’s Quartet in E Flat Major, Op. 87. JOHN MINERVINI. Kaul Auditorium at Reed College, 3203 SE Woodstock Blvd., 777-7755. 3 pm Sunday, March 30. $10-$43. Map

Oregon Symphony

It’s a week for not-quite-premieres in Portland’s classical music scene, so be sure to read the fine print. At this event, Juanjo Mena, artistic director of the Bilbao Symphony, conducts his first American orchestra—almost. Actually, he also conducted the Baltimore Symphony…three times. But this will be the first performance of two classic pieces by Johann Christian Bach and Bohuslav Martinu—by the Oregon Symphony. The well-worn program includes J.C. Bach’s Sinfonia in E-Flat Major, Martinu’s “The Frescoes of Piero della Francesca,” Beethoven’s Symphony No. 2 in D Major, and Wagner’s Overture to Tannhäuser. JOHN MINERVINI. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway., 228-1353. 7:30 pm Saturday-Sunday, March 29-30. 8 pm Monday, March 31. $10-$93. Map

Portland Columbia Symphony Orchestra

The theme for this concert, “Generation Gaps,” seems to be a nice way of saying that the pieces have very little to do with one another. First is an original work, Columbia River Narrative, by former Portland Youth Philharmonic member Amber Gudaitis, currently studying composition at Arizona State University. Second is Richard Strauss’s realist tone poem Death and Transfiguration, which musically depicts a sick man in bed, awaiting death. The program wraps up with Beethoven’s Violin Concerto in D Major, Op. 61, with acclaimed guest soloist and Portland native Jennifer Choi. JOHN MINERVINI. First United Methodist Church, 1838 SW Jefferson St., 234-4077. 8 pm Friday, March 28. $5-$25. Map

Quadraphonnes and PDX Saxophone Quartet

We’re betting you’ve never seen so many saxophones in one place. At this event, two Portland-based all-sax quartets get together to create…utter pandemonium. The Quadraphonnes are an all-female group which has appeared at Portland Jazz Festival and performed live on KMHD. PDX Saxophone Quartet has performed at the North American Saxophone Alliance Conference and has premiered works by Carl Schimmel. Works to be performed include pieces by Piazzolla, Walter Hartley and Eugene Bozza, among others. JOHN MINERVINI. Beacock Music, 1420 SE 163rd Ave., Vancouver., 360-694-7134. 2-4 pm Sunday, March 30th. $3-$5. Map

Tudor Choir

The Tudor Choir’s recordings have been praised by Gramophone and The New York Times, and it has appeared on Garrison Keillor’s A Prairie Home Companion. For the first time in eight years, the Seattle-based choir is returning to Portland. Directed by Doug Fullington, it will sing works of Italian and English polyphony, including works by Allegri, Palestrina and Sheppard, most notably Allegri’s “Miserere.” Presented as a part of the Cappella Romana Concert Series. JOHN MINERVINI. St. Mary's Cathedral, 1716 NW Davis St., 800-838-3006. cappellaromana.org. 8 pm Saturday, March 29. $15-$30. Map

DANCE

Hawaii Club Luau

Samoan fire knife dancing falls into the don’t-try-this-at-home category. The knife tends to look more like a large baton licked by flames at either end; dancers can cut an impressive, fiery swath through the dark as they toss and juggle the knives The Hawaii Club Luau will feature a Samoan fire knife dancer along with student performances of traditional and modern hula and dances of Tahitian and Samoan varieties (and if you’ve never seen Tahitian hula, you don’t know the full potential of human hips). Viewers will be sustained by the full pork and salmon dinner preceding the show. University of Portland—Chiles Center, 5000 N Willamette Blvd., 943-7470. 5 pm Saturday, March 29. $10-$20. Map

Key Turn Project

Repeat after me: “A five-six-seven-eight!” Good—now you’re ready to play Bob Fosse or another choreographer of your choosing. Key Turn Project, a bright and approachable Portland dance and music collective, presents Whose Dance is it Anyway? This show demands an active audience that, rather than merely sitting and watching, wields artistic control, deciding how many of the dancers perform at once, how long the dance will last, what musical instruments will accompany it and what its theme will be. Enjoy creative license without the attendant headaches, like fundraising. Performance Works NW, 4625 SE 67th Ave., 777-1907. 3 pm Sunday, March 30. $5-$10. Map

Pink Martini for White Bird at Bluehour

White Bird would like to help relieve you of your tax refund with a benefit show featuring an elegant late-night dinner, an intimate concert with Pink Martini and various auctionable items, not to mention the satisfaction of bringing good dance and dance-related educational programs to town. Bluehour, 250 NW 13th Ave., 245-1600, ext. 204. 10 pm Saturday, March 29. $250 ($150 tax deductible). Map